>we're both 21
>best girl I've EVER met so far if not for one issue
>been together for 7-8 months
>and still no sex
>I've had sex since I was 16, not often or with a lot of partners though, so I'm not someone you'd call a sex fiend
>she's still a virgin
>and extremely shy at that
>anything intimate or sexual absolutely TERRIFIES her
>and I respect that, so I take my time and take it slow with her
>but it's not getting us anywhere
>most I've ever gotten was getting her topless and even then she felt uncomfortable, shy, wanted to cover up any given chance and the cuddling didn't feel good for me anymore either
>it's not insecurity about the body, because she's slim, has stellar titties and knows this
>once when we were kissing, and I started touching her down there, she instantly pulled my hand away, absolutely froze up and almost broke down to tears
>I've quite never seen something like this
>it's like she becomes an absolute brick wall when it comes down to any remote sexual intimacy
>and it's been getting frustrating for me too
>we've talked a lot about this, I wish I could write down all the lengthy talks with her
>she says she feels like sex is slightly shameful or should be ashamed of
>she says she doesn't know why she reacts like this
>she's only masturbated once in her life, about a year ago and it felt "odd" to her
>no other sexual desires
>no libido
>ashamed of sex
>probably thinks it's disgusting, though denies that
It's bad. I don't want to leave her. I want to work on it, but any "work" feels like pressuring her and two-way torment. Can any of this even be changed? Is she bound to stay this way?
She's not asexual and has interest in it, though when it comes to it, she just seizes up, emotionally and physically. She says "it's not for her" and that she "accepts the way she is", but for me it feels like she hasn't even explored her sexuality one bit and the way she is now is not natural.
Any advice? Anything at all, please?
it sounds like you think sex is a requisite part of a relationship. It isn't, and it would be a good idea to base your relationship around something else. If you intend to have a family someday, consider that instead.
>>16489919
>sex isn't a requisite part of a relationship
But Anon, it is.
Why do you think it's the number one reason so many relationships fail?
buy her a dildo that she might like, encourage her to see porn and when she's comfortable try having sex.
She thinks it is disgusting and she doesn't participate actively on sexual activities so doesn't know better.
I think kind of the same, I'm a very shy person, I hate when my boyfriend eats me out even though I enjoy it, and I just overcame this because I like the other parts of sex like pleasuring my boyfriend and being pounded, but that's half of it, so i'm still learning how to stop feeling odd, if I could buy a dildo or some toys I would.
If she wants to be like this, and feels that this her way of life, then you'll have to accept that. You're not going to be able to change her mind. If she wants to do something about these feelings, then it's possible for things to change, but from the way you're telling these things the only option would be for her or for you both to start going to therapy and get a professional opinion on this issue and to see if the two of you could come together in some way.
Otherwise, leave her. I couldn't stay with a partner like that, or rather: I'd have to tell her that we can be good friends, or even some sort of partners, but that I want to have sex with someone, and if it's not her, it'll be someone else.
>>16489929
Because doing it a lot makes it a bigger part of everything, and makes it harder to not do it a lot when you're not supposed to.
An intimate relationship without sex will fail. Sure I could see it happening to an old married couple. But that is because they been together a long time with kids etc and many obligations.
Humans are animals and sadly sex is part of who we are even if we try to deny it. The girl sounds like she lived a very very sheltered life. Makes more sense if she grew up in a strict religious home. Sex is a shameful and evil act and such.
>>16489919
>virgin giving advice on sex and relationships
Never change, /adv/.
>>16489890
Does she come from a religious family? It sounds like she grew up in an environment where sex is a bad, evil, shameful thing. It sounds like that line of thought is pretty deeply embedded into her psyche.
It's... bad. It's not likely that things will get better with her anytime soon, if ever. If she is so anti-sexual now, she will not change even with a long relationship. This is beyond /adv/ to help. Have you talked to her about seeing a therapist? There are legit sexual therapists out there that exist just for issues like this, it sounds like she could use one.
Okay, OP here, let's see.
>>16489919
This is just plain stupid. While sexual intimacy isn't everything, I feel like it's a pivotal and extremely important part of a relationship.
>>16489934
I once suggested that she could try setting up a nice, calm atmosphere in her home and try to masturbate again, try to enjoy it, as that would be exploring herself, in a way. She gave me the emptiest, coldest look ever.
>>16489935
I know I can't be with a partner like that. So my question isn't should I stay or should I leave, I know that if nothing changes, I will leave, as I can't see my life without sex or bad sex.
What I wish to know it it is something that can be worked on.
>>16489940
I don't even want to do it often. Just once a week would be fine.
>>16489941
>>16489949
She does come from a slightly religious family, even went to a Christian school.
Not sure how she's raised or ingrained, but her family was very unhealthy and toxic. Her father absolutely hated and disrespected her mother, but didn't divorce until she was 18.
Being like this doesn't feel natural. It's feels to me like there is some block between her and sex and that block is not a part of who she is.
I'm guessing therapy could be the only way, but goddammit, suggesting someone to go to therapy is going to be hard.
>>16489960
Take into possibility that maybe she doesn't know how to masturbate.
Try using toy with her, some clit stimulator or a dildo, don't tell her to "train herself"
But otherwise yeah, if she isn't into sex there's not much you can do.
>>16489929
>>16489940
You are either virgins, or idiots. Sex isn't the main point, but it is the difference between a friend and a boyfriend/girlfriend. Sexual intimacy creates hormones for relaxing, it's nice and make a relationship what it is, take your asexual shit to tumblr
>>16489890
Sorry hate to bring you down the reality that many of us overlook (to our own detriment) is that a potential partner can have most of the qualities we look for without having all of them. Compromise is a huge part of relationships with others no question. Some people choose to settle which isn't the same. compromising is meeting each other halfway and working toward an end that satisfies all participants. settling is when we ignore our needs or desires entirely for the sake of others. A lot of times (not all) we foster deep resentment regret and unfulfillment when we settle. Ask yourself are we compromising or will one of us settle? Its okay if she's almost the one but not the one for you. If you can't be truly happy with her do not waste either of your time. You can't get this time back. Good luck.
I understand that sex feels great and makes babies and shit, but it sucks that it's important enough to some people to end an otherwise great relationship. I'd choose love over sex, and I'm a horny gay guy. Just a thought.
You might just gotta flat out ask her, the nicest you can. Good luck.
>>16490004
Great advice.
>>16490009
OP here,
the problem isn't sex vs. love.
I don't see them as two laterally separate things. I can't pick one over the other, because I see them as vertically bonding things, much like a DNA spiral. They complement each other.
Great love makes great sex and great sex makes great love. It's not a greentext "pick one". No sex -> impaired love.
>ask her
What, about sex? You've no idea how much and how deep we've talked about this already.
