Hey guys, I need some advice and some insight.
I'm in an awesome relationship. Like he is the one, no question. I gave birth about 2 months ago to our second kid. He was literally counting down the days until we could have sex again. Finally when we were cleared, we did and honestly it just...hurt and didn't do anything for me. I used to be a super sexual person and we were very passionate with sessions a few times a day. I used to masturbate a lot. I mean I loved sex.
Now, just the idea of it makes me anxious. Obviously he needs it but it feels..like such work. I think it could be fatigue. I work night shift, take care of the kiddos during the day, cook, clean, etc. Sleep is...rare. alone time together is rare since he works days, plus the kids. I can feel him getting increasingly bitter about me not...putting out..but I feel like I'm losing it. I have no sexual urges in me. Plus I'm tired. I just hate it. I want to make him happy but I also don't want to make myself unhappy.
Anybody experienced this themselves or with significant others? Does it go away?
Pic unrelated obvs
This is hard... 2 kids is alot of work aswell
As far as the sex hurting lube is the obvious answer.
Maybe him taking on a share of the choores would help younrelax durring the day and therfor reduce life stress maybe even inptove your sleep. After these things start to clear up you will most likely gind yourself getting horney again.
Out of curiosity I have a few questions.
Your and his age?
Age and sex of the kids?
Length of relationship?
Country of residence?
>26 yr old father of 1 atm but we are planning our second one for next year (we are hoping for a little girl)
>>16488625
You will have to forgive the spelling and grammar im typing this out on my phone lol
I had my 2nd child almost 3 months ago.
I don't work, I stay at home and look after them. I also get okay sleep cos my baby sleeps well at night time (I don't get any naps during the day though). But I'm the same as you.
We haven't had sex since having the second baby. Did you have a vaginal birth?
I honestly have no desire to touch myself or have sex. I did have a sexy dream the other night so hope that means I'm starting to get some desire back.
My husband is very understanding though. Can you talk to your partner about how you're feeling?
>>16488601
>sex goes away
>husband gets more shit to do
>wife turns frigid
>until new guy gives her attention
And so the cycle of kek begins anew. Never get married anons.
>>16488625
I'm 24, he is 21.
Almost 3 years, I know we moved fast.
From USA.
2 kids is tougher than I thought it would be. He does help but his job has longer hours than mine and is home less so I take on most household chores.
Pic related, it's us.
>>16488638
I had a c section both times. It's weird because even in the weeks leading up to birth we were having sex and I was still masturbating. The fact that you had a dirty dream gives me hope. I used to get those about him too.
I've talked to him but I don't think he can really empathize as his sex drive is the same. He is younger too which is a factor. I just don't want sex to be a chore. It used to come so naturally.
>>16488642
Trying to prevent this right now. Actual advice would be appreciated.
Also I would never cheat. Just wouldnt. Don't have it in me.
Hi OP, you just posted in my thread (the one where my gf's sex drive is lower due to medical reasons).
I can see how this affects both of you in the complete opposite way, as an anon stated in my thread, why don't you try aphrodisiacs?
>>16488738
I just posted in yours again. Honestly wasn't aware of their existence. Not sure where to find them or how they work. I'm breastfeeding so i dont know if that would affect that whole deal. I'll have to do some research.
Tell him how youre feeling, first of ll. Then gradually try to become reaccustomed to sex.
>>16488748
There is no scientific evidence of them existing. Currently the placebo effect is the leading contender for their effectiveness.
>>16488748
testosterone absolutely works, but Im not sure if they would prescribe it.
>>16488702
Has the foreplay been worse? When you say you feel like sex is a chore what are you relating it to?
Doing the dishes or laundry?
Have you tried to make yourself wet? Is it still possible for you to excite yourself?
What did he say about it when you told him this?
How old is the second child now?
Is there any way you two could have a family member watch the babies once every few weeks so you and him can go on a date to recharge a little?
>>16488770
Great adv.
He and the mrs went through sokething similar after our second was born. I eventually got my brother to babaysit on the cheap so i coukd take her out again and show her a good time. We havnt been better since . Its incredibly important to remember that you both did this because you wanted to start your own family, but dont let that make you forget to spend time with eachother. You two are still the same people you were when you decided to do this.
>>16488769
We have had sex twice in 2 weeks. Both times there was foreplay and I did get wet. But penetration still hurt. Never been one for lube as I have no problems with that down there. Could be the 6 weeks of nonusage as far as pain goes It's like...even when he was hitting my good spots, the shitty feeling was stronger than the pleasure. Like a mental block as well with the physical. And the physical just added to the mental block that was already there.
Second baby is almost 2 months old.
>>16488770
>>16488791
These lads grab the tiger by their toe. I agree with them.
Get yourselves some time off of the stress that is everyday life.
>>16488769
Oh and he sort of...downplayed it. Like my lack of sex drive doesnt change that his is sky high. Which I understand. He tries but sometimes he is too...pushy. like always pointing out his penis and that if I want to touch it I can. Or making passive aggressive statements about it throughout the day. It doesn't help the problem but I don't think he can help it.
>>16488804
This is a mental issue that you have and he isnt going to just forgive and forget it with time, you have to sort this shit out if you want to keep it together.
>>16488796
If your still getting wet its a really good sign. If i wre you i would seriously consider getting a sitter in even if you just start it at once a month. Even if you or him have to take a day off work to make it happen. You own it not only to each other but yourselves aswell. I honestly cant describe in words how much better it has made my relationship after our second kid was born. And i have become more romantic as a side product aswell, more willing to buy her "just because inwas thinking of you" gifts and flowers to her work, just like when we were dating. Before the kids were born and she was pregnant.
>>16488770
This is a big problem. Both of our families are 4+ hours away and after an unpaid maternity leave, money is a little tight so babysitter is on hold. We might sneak away for a movie on thanksgiving while visiting folks but usually we are never apart. This is probably a huge contributing factor that we are both underestimating. A toddler and a baby don't make for a good romantic combo.
>>16488804
Thats a little shitty of him desu... does he understand how childbirth works? Your hormons are only just dropping back down to the levels your used to 2-3 months after birth, the fact that your breastfeeding means that you will be hormonal for longer. Myabe tell him to grow up a little? Sex once a week is pretty good and above the us average 1nce per 2-3 weeks for married couples (you guys may aswell be considering the 2 kids in less then 3 years part.) What do you think about the way he smells when he sweats ? Do you find yourself repulsed by this? Did you ever recall enjoying the way his sweat smells? Testosterone is the onky aphrodisiac known to man and his sweat is full of it. If you gind yourself not liking his scent it coukd be a sign your body isnt physically ready for sex or you just arent sexualy attracted to him anymore
>>16488810
I think you're right. The more I sit here and think about it, we are in a situation that is feeding this problem.
His shifts are Monday thru Friday 7:30am to 6:30pm, and I'm on night shifts Wednesday thru Saturday night 7:30pm to 6:30am.
The kids are wide awake during the day and the Sunday we have together I try to let him take over and watch kids so I can catch up on sleep.
Ie. We are fucked until I take a Saturday off work.
>>16488827
You dont know how men work, either.
>>16488811
Any good friends of you guys close enough for you to sneak out for 2 / 3 hours after the kids are down for sleep? It is definitely a huge contributing factor in your sex life.
Try mentioning it to him, tell him you want to feel romanced again, if my wife came to me and said that i would move mountains even if it only got us a 2 hour date once a month. You never know maybe he will supprise you and you will remember why you fell for him in the first place.
>>16488833
Im a man fuckwit ;)
>>16488827
Yea I do feel he is a little immature about it sometimes lol he is younger so I forgive him. And no i actually haven't found him smelly, so I guess that's good? Hormones could also be an underestimated factor. I just feel so unlike myself. We both had a high sex drive. I just feel like I'm letting him down every day we don't have sex.
>>16488836
Mmm kind of a no on the friend part. We moved to this city because we have always wanted to live here. Left a lot of close friends and family behind. Bad idea when expecting a baby but we were just doing something we really wanted. And dont get me wrong, I love the fucker lol he will cook on his days off, massage me, draw a bath, he can be childish but he really tries to be sweet and romantic. And he knows it might not always end in sex. Which is why it is so so important to me to resolve this. He is my person, yknow? And sex is important I feel in a relationship. I am failing in this but damn it just sounds so unappealing at the moment. Sliding into bed with him, cuddling and having an interrupted nap sounds better than any sex right now which is so out of character for me.
Just wanted to say thank you to all for the advice I've received so far. It's my first time as op on /adv/ and I honestly wasn't expecting many responses. I havent even discussed this with my closest friends. You guys have actually given me great stuff to ponder over and pointed out some under my nose shit I was sort of not really considering. He introduced me to 4chan 3 years ago and he has been lurking here much longer than that. When our sex lives do stabilize, I think he would be amused at who helped.
>>16488842
You have low test.
>>16488862
Yup, its a good thing. Just be patient with yourself your body needs to reset hormonally and you need to destress to the max. Like anon said 1 time per week is actuaky way above average and even tho he is young it shoukd still be enough for him. I actually think you should guve masturbation a crack when you get a sec (maybe durring the day when both juds are having their nap) if and when you can bring yourself to orgasim again you will know its time to fuck him like theres no tomorrow you know ?
Well there are always sityer services... me and my wife dont have much savings wise and we have alot of expenses but i still manage to put 3-400 aside a month for a bit of savings and a couple kickass dates (in 26 she is 24). Altho we both work days and our kid is in daycare though the day which makes it alot easier for us desu. Its obvious you love him, and im sure he loves you too, i hinestly cant stress how important a regular date night is going to be for you too. It actually saved my relationship. Also you should tell him what you said about the cuddles, you never know he may just be cool with cusdles and uninterrupted sleep for a week while you destress. GL OP. I was the guy in your situation 9 months ago and we are happy af atm ^_^
This is a really interesting thread. My wife is behaving the same way, but our second child was born over a year ago. We maybe make love once a month. She says she feels stressed and anxious (although she doesn't do as much as OP it sounds like) and that is effecting her sex drive.
It sucks more so because I don't feel wanted or desired. We also used to be a very sexually active couple and since kid number 2 ... nothing.
>>16488601
Of course it's fatigue. Let him try taking care of the kids for a day and see how horny he feels that night.
Just because the textbooks say you are physically ready for sex does NOT mean that you are. Your head is very much in Mommy Mode, and it is difficult to switch into Sexy Mode.
You'll get there, and he has to be patient. Meanwhile, by now in your relationship you must have discovered that sex can be a nice thing even when you're not orgasmic. So enjoy it as an extension of cuddling until your body and mind are ready to be horny again.
