>>16485141
Do you work out?

>>16485146
Yes, I do many things. It just feels like a constant battle though, at every lull in my life I want to commit suicide. I don't think the urge will leave I'm trying to see if anybody else lives like this.

Keep hanging in there OP. Live is fucking hard. Mostly i stay positief but fuck last night it was a kick in my confident balls

What I do when I feel like killing myself is I ask ... would you be curious what happens in the world later on? And then I go... Well, I don't really care what happens in the future, but might as well just stay and observe for a bit longer.

I do have to say that having people in my life who are also not so woo hoo happy all the time helps. They aren't openly suicidal, but they dare to share darker thoughts.

>>16485150
Dude take 5htp and mugwort.

Go to a doc it may be a chem I balance or it could be your psyche.

Honestly work out till elastin then crash bro see if that helps.

You need to quit thinking so much.

>>16485141
Read some oldschool fiction, draw, sing, dance, etc.

10 year veteran here. Been hospitalized twice. I have cycles where I float between moderate and major depression. I think there are a variety of ways that can help keep your mind off suicide. Some are more beneficial than others depending on the person.

Right now for me it's probably these three:
1. Reminders from family or friends that they care about. Affection makes you feel cared for and reminds you that you're not really alone.
2. Little things I see in life that make me appreciate it - pets, food that tastes great, seeing kids be kids. Also thinking about how lucky we actually are to live in this universe.
3. Keeping busy with hobbies and work to keep my mind from wandering into bad places. Basically being alone and sad leads me to think the darkest thoughts so I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Are you currently seeking any kind of help? I stopped seeing a therapist and taking medication but I'd like to try them again. Exercise can definitely help a lot of people as well. To be honest, exercise didn't help me much but it might be great for you. There are a lot of cognitive behavior therapy techniques you can practice as well that can start making you feel better as well.

>>16485169
This is a very helpful post.

I have not seen a therapist for many reasons. I call the suicide hotline if things are getting too much to handle on my own though. I have also tried anti-depressants but it almost felt like a subtle form of suicide so I stopped.

Do you have any of these cognitive behavior therapy techniques that you would recommend?

>>16485141
I think the best thing I ever did was what you've done already it seems that is accepting it is who you are. Make sure you don't make a conscious effort to improve, if it happens it happens but trying only makes things worse.

My biggest suicidal moments were always when attempts to get "better" or "happier" came crashing down. Cutting out that aspect of my life has made me a much more stable person and depression is 10x easier to live with.

>>16485181
Stability is what I'm striving for I think. This is really good advice for me.

>>16485179
From my experience with seeing other depressed people in the hospital and in aftercare, everyone's body is different and it can take some time to really find medication that works. Some people I met needed 4 or 5 medications to start feeling better, while others only needed one. Keep working with your doctor or psychiatrist to figure out what works best. Some of the psychiatrists I worked with sucked honestly so you might have to try a different doctor too. I'd recommend starting with a primary care doctor so they can do bloodwork and look at any biological causes.

Also check this course out on CBT:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/SelfHelpCourse.pdf

>>16485187
Good luck dude, nobody deserves to deal with the daily struggle of choosing between life and death. Hope you find a way to become stable enough to keep on going.

On staying alive, just shit for me.
Dumb things like vidya games.
I been on meds for 2 years, they make me stable, return me to just above apathy. If I get cut off, I drop into zombie mode. Really doing only things because of routine, never enjoying shit.
Like >>16485181 said, eventually you learn to accept it, and trying to improve it may lead to more disappointment.
I been dealing with this since I was a kid, but it got bad around 6 years ago.
If you things to get better this anon >>16485169 has the better route.

I did the stability one for 3 years before my family took me in to get help.
Has kinda helped.