Hey /adv/,
Looking for some help with this issue.
>Girlfriend and I very busy all the time
>Stress affects both of us intensely, high anxiety, depression, etc.
>My girlfriend grew up in a family that taught her, when you're upset/sad/etc that you need to hide it, distance yourself, be very private about it
>We are very much in love with each other and care a lot, this causes me to care infinitely about her and her happiness
>I can rarely get her to tell me what is wrong, and if she does tell me she wont let me help
>She won't accept any method of mine to help, she isn't at all affectionate and ignores me, she is even rude sometimes
>I fight to keep the strength to be there for her and accept all of this, and have already told her that her distancing takes a toll on me
>She says she tries to not be so distant, but I think its ingrained deeply in her
>This whole thing has just caused heart ache as I feel i'm alone in this relationship sometimes and the person I care about the most is suffering and wont let me help
How can I help this situation, my life is shit other then her, we have such strong love, and it's eating away at me when this happens as all this stress causes this frequently.
>>16479993
Are you a lesbian couple? Cause you sound like a bitch.
>>16480016
>loving someone truly
>gay
>>16480021
>being so retarded you can't tell he was calling OP a woman
>>16480030
can't correlate that both gay and being a woman is an equivalent insult holding the same implications.
Op if it's ingrained into her then you need to accept that she might not change the way she behaves under stress
Try alleviating some of her stress if you can. If that means doing some extra dishes or laundry, fine. Give her more space and then when she starts pulling back to you then tell her that the way she acts hurts you and you want to work through things with her together but she shuts you out. If you tell her while she's tense she'll probably shut you out more because then you will be a source of added stress.
>>16480016
That's great
>>16480046
Thank you for your serious answer.
>>16479993
I know who that feels, as I have been in a similar situation once.
I lost my job and she got more and more unhappy, in the end we got a divorce.
BUT, I know realize that there are things I could have done.
Some of this advice sounds might sound a little counter intuitive, btw.
- High times. Set some time aside for only you two. Do NOT go the same place every time, or eat at your favorite restaurant. Do something that neither of you normally do. You need to break the monotony and make these moments a celebration of life and your relationship. Go on a day hike, see a musical, go to a fancy classical concert. Going to the park. Those kind of things, but what every you do you need to have a plan and show here that she can trust you.
During this time do not worry about your normal live or money during these times; don't go spending more then you can, just don't bring it up.
- Crunch it. Work on getting your life back in order. I don't just mean your relationship, I mean yourself. Try to get a better job, take a class at the community college to improve your carrier, look for ways to make money on the side. The saying that money doesn't make you happy was written by a man who didn't have to worry about money; Money is key, try to make more. Let her know that you are working so hard so they can have a better future.
- No rest for the wicked (and broke). Cut the crap, stop the bs. For the time being you need to focus on your life and your relationship. You will miss out on some good computer games, but there will be more in the future. It is important that you focus on getting on track.
- The pen is mightier then your tongue. If your gf shuts down when you are talking to here then start writing to here. Work on your handwriting and write her a letter how you feel that she can read while you are at work/school. Do not talk about what she does, or how she behaves; talk about your feelings, what you want for you two in the future, and how you will make it happen.
>>16480039
>full damage control
>>16480052
Np m80 I actually do the same thing your gf does and it's hard to break. The more clingy and needy you get the more she'll pull away. I know it sucks cause you want to spend time with her and you want her to want to spend time with you but some people clam up hard and it's not cause they don't love you any less, they're just unable to address it all at once
>>16480054
Solid advice
Esspecially the writing her letters, as for getting out and doing things, unfortanately between work and school I have about 2-3 hours a week to relax and those 2-3 hours usually don't work out with hers. I know it sounds rediculous that I don't have time, but my schedule fills everything. I appreciate the answer.
>>16480062
Understood thanks.
>>16480067
nah man, I get it. Time is the rarity. everyone has only so much.
Use the time you two do have together though. Make those few minutes count.
Not every time. Actually it would be bad if you tried to make every minute special.
Try to set a date a few weeks in advance, and work towards it. It can be something wonderful to plan a date at the rose-garden 5 weeks in advance with both of you looking forward to it.
Try not to over hype it, but the wait can be a reward in itself.
>>16480119
Yeah i'm going to try to do this! There are a few barriers, but i'll work it out.
Neither of you are accommodating the other. Sit down and have a conversation--not about what she's doing or what you're feeling, but about ideas you can try to keep the relationship healthy when you guys get stressed. If you don't nurture the relationship in the interim, it won't be there to help either of you feel better once the stress passes.
>>16480179
I probably will sit us down and have a talk, but the distance thing has come all the way to that level. Everytime i've tried to have a talk with her, her solution is do whatever is best for me, she is a very selfless person, too much so. These talks never really generate a solution to the problem and she usually shuts down, feeling it's all her fault, she takes all the blame and whenever I try to take any blame she shuts down even more saying me feeling bad makes it worse. I don't know where to go at this point, all I know is i'm not breaking up with her.
I used to be like your gf. I was very distant, very private, I didn't want to "burden" people with my problems, so I never let any emotion show.
My husband helped me work through it, and I daresay I've made a complete turnaround. It took a while, though, and a very concrete effort on both of our parts. I had to want to change.
An earlier anon suggested to give her space and alleviate some of her other stressors, this I second. Having someone try to pry me open only made me want to close up more. A lot of people tried pressing and trying to make me open up when I wasn't ready. This never went well.
My husband was patient with me, in a way that I am eternally grateful for. He.. encouraged me to open up but never forced the issue or made me feel like it was anything but my decision. He established trust, built a rapport. made me feel comfortable with him. And that comfort made it so I felt like I actually could open up to him. It was difficult for me, and I will reiterate that it took time, but the more I did it the more comfortable I became with doing it. That first step was the hardest.
Do keep in mind that while I was able to change, your gf might not want to. This is a pretty major incompatibility that could make a lot of trouble. But building trust is a good first step. Remember that the reason she is staying closed off is both because it's what she knows and because she believes it is the best course of action, whatever her reasons are.
>>16480194
I have to say, i've been terrible at this then. We are so very close and in love that we can't handle knowing that the other is distressed. I can't help, but worry whenever she is in a bad mood. As a result I have told her that she needs to express how she is feeling all the time so we can work through it. I only do this because she keeps things from me, things about me that bother her, things that I could change to help our relationship, but she isn't honest with me and wants to take all the pain in the relationship. I can't live knowing this, and it's impossible to know if she's telling the truth. I'm going to start giving her her space, I'll have to just trust her, and I'll just have to do my best keeping up with being the best person I can and not do anything wrong without a system of correction to my actions. Thank you.
>>16480194
Thanks for sharing your experience.
It is not often that you can see the other side of the coin.
:)
>>16479993
if her name starts with a p then just break it off
