I need to talk about this and stop bottling it up so bear with me /adv/ I would normally lurk on /b/ but in my fragile state of mind I don't think posting there would be a good idea.
I'm a 30-year-old male and I'm fighting a bit of a downward spiral with depression. No one knows that I know of, every day I go out with the mask of 'everything is ok'. I've been like this for near enough my whole adult life, hiding it and just trying to get on with life. I go from being ok for a few months, sometimes longer then every now and then I go into freefall again.
I really struggle making friends with people or relationships and this is made worse by any attempt at trying to get to know people goes nowhere. As you can appreciate this makes for a very lonely existence. To make matters worse still, the nature of my job means I move around every couple of years to a different part of the country so anything close to friends I make in work, then fade. I feel very much the social outcast.
I could deal with all this (just about) however 3 tours of Afghanistan has left me feeling even more isolated as I can't relate to people anymore. I was quite fucked up for awhile after my second tour having to deal with not everyone coming back in one piece, but I did the exact opposite of what I should have done and bottled it up and carried on. Not even my family know this. I'm not jumping on the PTSD bandwagon as I know there are those who have seen much worse than I have, but I know it has played a role. I've started at a new place recently, because of a promotion so I'm doing ok in work. But the downside, is that, I now work with a small group of people in which all but myself are all married so those I work with are more interested in their family lives so I have no one I can socialize with.
Part 1/2
I've made a conscious effort to try get out and about to meet people rather than just sitting alone but as I said before, I struggle to relate to people and I feel anxious and uncomfortable in pubs/bars/clubs/etc. Attempts at chatting to women get nowhere for the same reasons. Assuming I do manage to get talking, I just get brushed off. This is a bit of confidence kicker so I've tried online on the likes of POF, Match etc. This was even worse a decision as 99% of the time I just get ignored without so much as a sorry you aren't what I'm looking for. Hell, even those that clicked interested ignore me when I try speak to them. All that has happened is my confidence has been crushed leaving me wondering why I even bother.
Nobody knows, I hide the depression because I don't think people will understand or they will just pity me. I don't want pity. So here I am now; depressed and alone. Wondering how long I can keep this up.
TLDR: depressed socially inept guy speaks out!
well, looks like this thread is going the same way as my life!
>>16465754
>I just get ignored without so much as a sorry you aren't what I'm looking for.
Oh god...
Yeah.
I actually had a conversation with a woman about this sort of thing, being ignored, like I don't exist, I don't even rate a "fuck off".
>Oh but it can be really awkward to say anything.
:(
OP, when are you likely to next have to move?
I don't have good advice for you as I'm also a pretty lonely guy who struggles at making and maintaining relationships too. But I'd like to at least let you know you're not alone, and I feel for a fellow lonely anon and hope things manage to start getting better. At the very least, don't give up.
>>16465946
>>16465742
I've only just moved recently so in theory, 2 years give or take a bit.
I understand that some don't want to respond because of how some people react or from it just being awkward... it doesn't make it any easier though after rejection/ignore after rejection/ignore
>>16465951
thanks, it feels kind of taboo talking about it which is why I've not spoken about it before but I know it isn't healthy or doing my stress levels much good by bottling it up!
>>16465965
>it feels kind of taboo talking about it
There is a lot of pressure on us, as men, to not talk about anything ever.
It comes from listening to people, which most people don't really do.
Honestly, my advice is put a little money aside to talk to a therapist.
Not necessarily a fullblown shrink but just someone paid to listen.
Because they you are paying them to listen you can pretty much unload everything on them out loud without (or at least with less) fear overstepping what you are allowed to say.
Saying stuff online isn't anything like saying it to another live, in the room, human, who can repeat it back to you like a sounding board.
Things I can't say because I feel they are forbidden feeling because of the responses people normally give.
>I'm angry and lonely.
"Don't be lonely, just talk to more people."
>I'm sad and afraid.
"You're not allowed be afraid, you're a man."
"You're not allowed be sad, be stoic and strong... just man up."
"You being angry scares me so now you are the bad guy."
Someone who can just listen and hear what you have to say and nod along is amazing... it's really not what I'm used to.
>>16466144
I know full well you're right, I should. But at the same time, it would be career suicide for me. The moment the military got wind of it especially the mention of depression... I would find myself getting discharged. Depressed people with rifles is bad for business and all.
Without my job things would only get worse. I just feel trapped: keep quiet and sink further into depression or seek help and lose my job and all that depends on it
>>16466225
try to find another job, then, if your current one is a barrier to the help you want/need
>>16466232
I had been considering it. But ultimately, besides listening and offering their input, I'll still likely be the introverted and alone guy I am now, albeit on anti-depressants. Or am I being naive?
>>16466225
I don't know about how the military works, so I won't and can't say you are wrong, I literally have no idea what the military's position on this would be, but the point of talking to an external professional is that you need to talk to someone that can't and won't talk to your boss/commanding officer/"Them" about it.
If you are on active deployment they're reading this anyway I'm sure... so talk to your medic or whoever makes sense in that official context.
If this is distracting you from your duty then it is a danger to you and those around you.
Seek proper help. If you were physically wounded you wouldn't just sit their bleeding out, getting blood all over the place, making it harder for others to do their job... would you?
If you've got some leave or are free to go talk to some one far away from the base (or where ever) then go talk to a regular therapist... you can probably find one who's ex-military.
Say what you need to say, then look at what you want and or need to do.
>>16466263
Another anon here. I'm not a good advisor but hope you feel better, op.
If you do decide to try therapy: talking it out with the right person often helps, it's not just about the pills. While booking a visit try to get check some references and don't be afraid to continue looking for help with someone else, not to end up with a therapist whose approach just isn't working for you.
Also I'm sure you'll find someone you connect with eventually, fingers crossed for it happening soon.
I'd say, although not the same as IRL human contact, at least internet friends online is better than nothing. Can you contact/email old friends and at least keep in touch?
Isn't a shrink supposed to keep it confidential unless you are seemed suicidal or a danger to others? Maybe leave out the fact that you're in the military to the shrink. Doubtful that the information would be obtainable - but I don't know too much about that field of work. Do they look into your medications that you're taking? So technically you couldn't even take antidepressants without them knowing/finding out?
That's tricky. I tried online support chat like this thing called "7cupsoftea" but I found its a lot of younger noobish people who have good intentions but aren't really that great
You might have a crisis phone line you can call that's free and you can vent whatever is on your mind. They're not SPECIALISTS apart from having some minor training (some are legit counselors) and its completely anonymous.
Have you ever tried journaling? Writing down your thoughts/feelings? Sometimes its good to put it into words and debrief.
How did you get into that field? How's the money?
If you wanna chat online to a random person you can email me
[email protected]
In all honesty I don't know specifics of how they interact with the military but I know for sure that it is a black mark against your name. I think i need to carefully and discretely ask some questions. I would rather not leave, atleast not on my own terms as I do enjoy the work.
I'm absolutely no danger to anyone though, last thing I want to do is fuck anyone else up by my own selfish actions. I just need to be around people to keep occupied as I think being on my own is the problem.
Thanks for this though guys, this helps
