My girlfriend doesn't think I prioritize her enough.
I'm very new to this, she's my first girlfriend. We live about 20 minutes away so we can't hang out all the time. Besides that, we're both pretty busy. Our schedules don't mesh well. We usually hang out on the weekends and the one day a week we can both fit it in.
But she feels as though it's not enough. I've made a few comments that I didn't mean to make before. Her happiness is the most important thing to me but I need balance in my life. It's not that I prioritize things over her, but I need to go to school, keep good grades, do the extracirricular things I do, be with friends and family. They're all very important and I think she should understand that. Now, I've made mistakes, I said that. But I'm new. She said she's been patient but she never tells me when something's wrong until it reaches a boiling point, and I always say the wrong thing when I try to pry into it.
But I feel like she should understand when I say that I have homework to do and I can't call her tonight, or I have some extracirricular thing to do. I've blown off classes, those extra things, friends and family for her. But she doesn't know it and I'd be an ass if I told her outright.
I just think she should understand that I can't spend every free minute being with her. We've been dating for two months now, so it's very early.
But I don't know how to say that. I feel like I can't because if I do, she'll say how she gives up so much more. But I'm not high-maintenance. If she told me she had homework to do one night I'd be fine with it. If she wanted to hang out with friends instead of with me I'd be fine with it. But I don't know how to work through this, and I need help.
Can anyone offer some help? Please?
Twice a week isn't really enough time for a relationship. Sounds like you don't really have time for a serious relationship.
You're still trying to be independent and she's trying to be more together.
>>16457537
we text all day every day though. I call her pretty often. I didn't tonight and that's what sparked this conversation.
We've planned so many things together, every weekend until Christmas we have things to do.
I just feel as though relationships aren't easy. It would be easy to just say "I don't have time for this" and give up. I feel strongly about her to fight for this. But I guess I'm scared that she's scared.
>>16457547
There isn't some set number of interactions you need per week, it's however many it takes to make both people feel right.
>>16457557
See that's what worries me.
I do give up a lot of stuff for her. My grades have been slipping. I'm turning down career-related opportunities to go on dates with her. I've been slipping on my fitness schedule. But she would argue that she gives up more.
One time, she said that she gave up time to do a four-page paper for me. So now, she expects me to do the same. The thing is, I'd never ask her to do that. She just does it. She gives up on that time because she wants to and I don't give up that time because I don't want to. I can't.
But I want to fight for this relationship. I'm giving her all the time that I can. I don't want this to end. My thinking is, this is nowhere near codependecy at this point. She makes me really happy, happier than anyone ever has, but she is not the extent of my happiness. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only thing that makes her happy. That puts a lot of pressure on me, pressure I can't take. I can't have this conversation every night I have to do homework instead of calling her.
I want to be with her. I'm gonna fight to be with her. But I'm fighting as hard as I can and she expects me to fight harder. I just feel like this is gonna get to a point where she expects so much of me that she's gonna push me away. Is that bad to say?
I don't want to give her an ultimatum. But at the same time I feel like sometimes she's giving me one, like she's saying spend more time with me or I'm leaving. But I just can't do that right now.
I feel like if she cares about me like I care about her she would understand. But it scares me because I feel like she doesn't care about me like I care about her and that's why she's insecure about this stuff.
> she'll say how she gives up so much more
This is manipulative. She's trying to make you feel guilty for not sacrificing your life for her.
Relationships are not supposed to be all sacrifice, and having to balance this silly act of "giving things up" for the other person. Sure, you have to compromise, but ultimately, a relationship should be enriching your life, not making you throw away important pieces for your partner's benefit.
You need to sit down with her and have a talk. Tell her that the way that she is behaving is becoming a dealbreaker, and that you need to find a compromise, or the relationship is not going to work out. If she keeps pressuring you for more and more of your time, you're really only going to come to resent her for it.
A lot of people talk about ultimatums like they're some big ugly thing, as if they're unfair, but it's really not that way. You have to make the terms you're willing to work with clear, and you need to stand by that, or you're just going to get taken advantage of later. If you can't deal with something in a relationship, it's really best to end it rather than drag out a no-win situation that is only going to get you hurt.
>>16457668
>One time, she said that she gave up time to do a four-page paper for me. So now, she expects me to do the same.
This is a pointless game being played. It shouldn't be a competition.
If someone loves you, they should understand that you need to spend time on study/work/etc for a better future.
Im 30 and I only see my girl once every fortnight (on rare occasions once per week when our schedules fit).
She has complained a few times but I just explain that I cant. I need to work and I have a firm belief in reaching my goals (financially) so I cant just throw that away whenever she is feeling lonely.
I suggest you sit down and talk with her. Explain that you need to study/work to attain a better future (with her).
tl;dr
get a new one. dont waste your energy, time and money on 1 chick. If you are here with doubts, leave her. Only stay with her if she keeps accepting u as u are.
if u dont do that , it will get worse and worse and you will hate her in the end. dont let that happen. just move on, get a new girl.
>>16457668
Don't give up grades and friends for your gf. Once she leaves you,you lose everything.
I guess it comes down to, she doesn't feel like a priority but doesn't believe me when I tell her she is. My doubts would come from me wondering if she'd ever accept the effort I'm giving. Because I can't give much more than this and it does feel like she expects a lot more.
>>16457668
either she's really needy or you put in too much work than you could handle in the beginning.
Whatever you do in the beginning of the relationship, she'll expect it to the end. If you text her and phone her everyday, she wants it everday or she'll think you don't like her or worse you're cheating on her, gain resentment. Don't do anything in a relationship you can't really stick to till the end.
You may have a really dependant woman, who doesn't have much friends or hobbies of their own, this makes a relationship even worse, she relies on you mostly to keep her company. Its common for young women.
What i would do in your situtation is to put your foot down and do things the way that make you comfortable. First though, you need to verify to her that you're not falling out of love with her or that she hasn't nothing to worry about. Tell her that your work is piling up, classes are stressful, i can't keep this bickering up, don't worry my absence shouldn't be taken personal, i'm always thinking about you. Tell her she has nothing to worry about
The chances of that working are kinda low.
Something else(something a old timer taught me) you can do is slowly cut away at the communication, if you text/phone her 4 hours a day, slowly cut 3 mins away per day until you get to the desired amount of phoning and texting you want.
Anyways, you may have a dependant, needy, clingy woman on your hands, if this doesn't work out find a independant woman and don't do anything you can't do in a relationship until the end, the end which is 50+ years if you were to marry her. Don't rush, take it slow.
>>16457725
You're both obviously new to this sort of relationship, and it's a growth process. Thant being said, you're describing some passive-aggressive behaviors on her part, and, if you don't like them, it behooves you to make sure that she's aware of that. Doing so subtly isn't so easy, but it's doable.
As >>16457704 mentioned, there shouldn't be competition or games being played. I'd go further than suggest that she's mentally keeping a point score as to who is doing more for the other, and this is a costly and terrible mistake, a sure relationship-killer. Look, I'm married with kids, and I know from prior experience with exes exactly how that works and why it's bad. Relationships aren't 50/50 and equitable all the time. Sometimes they're 90/10, sometimes 10/90 based on need. For the most part, doing what is best for you long-term is what is best for the relationship, too.
OP, without going on and on, I'd suggest being a little stronger and more forthright with her; be honest about your need fpr proportion and well-roundedness in your life, and make sure that you're happy with the direction things are going. If you're not, it's YOUR responsibility to apply correction. It'll help, and, if she's not willing to see your perspective and meet you on this, you've got bigger problems than being afraid to disappoint her.
I just don't want this to end. I get a lot out of this relationship and I really like her, she's exactly what I was looking for. But she has to understand that I can't give everything up for her. And I need to communicate that without her ending it. Because I think that's what she would go to. She doesn't feel appreciated enough but she has to know I care about her even if I can't call her every night.
This is tough.
>>16457668
>My grades have been slipping. I'm turning down career-related opportunities to go on dates with her
Holy fuck you are an idiot. Never give that kind of thing up for a bitch.
She's clingy, I was in the exact same situation and its much better to just cut things off not let someone make you feel like shit all of the time.
You deserve to feel happy, she shouldn't be allowed to make you feel so bad about things
I've just always believed that if two people were right for each other, one of them would stand up and fight for that relationship every single time. Right now, I feel like I'm the guy doing that. But I don't know how much longer I can. I don't know how much longer it'll be worth it.
Sorry if I'm using this as my personal diary I need to vent this stuff.
Both of you need to learn a simple lesson: your personal needs are your personal responsibility.
If her need for time and engagement exceeds what you're able to provide, she chose badly. You're not the guy for her.
If your needs for a low-key relationship are incompatible with the frustration she feels over limited time and engagement, you chose badly. She's not the girl for you.
Both of you need to stop living in la-la land where everything can be made to work just because you're fond of one another. Two months, including dating, is a nascent relationship. You should have realized this issue while you were still dating and never made the commitment in the first place. You especially shouldn't have turned this into a dragged on dialog. She could have realized weeks ago that you weren't as available as she needed you to be. You could have realized that she wasn't going to drop this need at that point, too. That's when both of you were meant to have walked away.
Stop making demands of one another. This isn't "I'd prefer if you didn't put your feet on the coffee table." It's a fundamental incompatibility. You fuckers screwed up. You're begging the wrong choice to become the right one. Stop it.
>>16458550
IF TWO PEOPLE WERE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER, THERE WOULD BE NOTHING TO FIGHT ABOUT.
Holy crap, your parents didn't even teach you basic common sense in the social arena. You're so completely divorced from the reality of how people ought to get along. Your theoretical understanding ("I've just always believed") sounds straight out of Hollywood.
>>16457668
I don't mean to be an asshole, but I can already tell you that this relationship isn't going to last forever. Your relationships with your family will last forever, the decisions you make academically and professionally will shape the course of your future, etc etc.
Basically what I'm saying, is don't get brainwashed. All of the things you're prioritizing over your girlfriend, actually ARE more important than your girlfriend. You were right from the beginning. If she really can't accept that, then maybe you'll break up over this issue. But don't compromise on your real-life shit just because she demands more attention.
>Her happiness is the most important thing to me
>It's not that I prioritize things over her
>Now, I've made mistakes, I said that.
>. She said she's been patient but she never tells me when something's wrong until it reaches a boiling point, and I always say the wrong thing when I try to pry into it.
Maximum beta, completely inside her frame.
Cheating/leeching/unexpected pregnancy in 3... 2...
>>16457668
>I do give up a lot of stuff for her. My grades have been slipping. I'm turning down career-related opportunities to go on dates with her. I've been slipping on my fitness schedule.
"What not to do in a LTR - the post"
Oh man, you just went maximum beta.
