I stupidly said ok, and stayed with him. He has been 'ok'.... gambled my daughters first Christmas away... I had sooooooo much amazing credit, now it's all ruined.

Here I am thinking almost a year later, he hasn't relapsed. I am a stay at home mother now. Cook, clean. Laundry, all of the waifu duties. I opened his bank statement yesterday. I always side eye him because of his addiction. But I ALWAYS give him privacy. Something told me to open this statement. I saw that last month he went twice in one week. 800 bucks in the trash can

He's telling me he's sorry it won't happen again. His friend gambled not him. Idk what to do. Then he said yes he gambled but we have everything. I have everything I need and want, my daughter does, why am I complaining? He thinks just because he didn't throw EVERYTHING away into gambling, it's not a big deal.

Well it is. He's not just fucking with my life now. This is my kid's life. What happened if he lost control again... how the fuck do I buy diapers? Her future?

I have been ignoring him and he's trying to hug me and say he's sorry and be all sweet. But honestly idk what to do. How do I leave???

There's two solutions I propose.
1 is to give him one more chance. Tell him he has a chance to prove that he won't gamble, and make this arrangement: You will keep an eye on his accounts and if he goes back and spends money gambling then you take control of the family's finances and savings.
This would be the most effective way to prevent it but it could also make him go to ground and hide his habit by using cash. If he hides it, it will be harder to manage.

2 is to give him a gambling budget, essentially an allowance. He has X amount of money to gamble each month, absolutely no more. It allows him his vice, which isn't necessarily the best, but it allows him his vice in a way that you can see it and control it.

>>16521103
He hides it all the time, he tells me at the gym, at a friend's house, does it when I visit my mom....
Do you think giving him an allowance is the same as just a little bit meth??? That's the same thing in my mind. Like oh you cant do ALOT OF meth, just this little bit here every month.

Thanks for the input, but I don't see that being an option

>>16521103
You could also implement method 2, and if he overspends, then you take control of finances.

Also, to help you understand why he's become addicted, I suggest reading up on "intermittent reinforcement". It's a principle of psychology that means that a habit that is only occasionally rewarded is pursued with much more energy than a habit with a guaranteed reward, and the intermittently-rewarded habit is all the harder to break.

>>16521129
The fact of the matter is that recovery from any sort of addiction very rarely a straight line. There are almost always relapses. And this is what you're dealing with, an addiction. If you want him to quit it is important to be forgiving of the occasional relapse, as long as the occasional doesn't turn into a constant.

>>16521134
Thanks, I will look into that book, but I feel like I need to just leave him.... I can't keep doing this for years and years and debt. And worried if I will have a roof over my head. It's so shitty because other than this gambling, he's a great man and father.

But how great of a man or father can you really be with this addiction??

>>16521103
This is shitty advice.
Addicts cannot control their behavior.
Giving the man an allowance won't work.
Making him promise to quit won't work.

Op you need to pack your shit and get out. Leave a note saying you will contact him in 24 hrs. Then call and tell him he needs to get in a program. In patient is best. He needs to go somewhere and get help, he won't stop on his own.

>>16521139
>>>16521129
>The fact of the matter is that recovery from any sort of addiction very rarely a straight line. There are almost always relapses. And this is what you're dealing with, an addiction. If you want him to quit it is important to be forgiving of the occasional relapse, as long as the occasional doesn't turn into a constant.


He gambled our kids first xmas... I got NOTHING after feeding him, roofing him, walking to work while pregnant in snow and freeze in cold rain.... he did it in march, in july, last month.... who fucking knows if he ever stopped. Maybe he's better at lying???

Maybe you guys don't see this as a big deal???

When you write yourself bad checks, lie to everyone around you borrowing money for 'rent' gambling it away, throwing away ALL LLL of our money. To the point where thank God I was breastfeeding a newborn or else my kid wouldn't have had food.

This is my saying oh he drinks on weekends so I'm claiming alcoholic and being dramatic. I think this is a BIG fucking deal

>This isnt me ***saying oh he drinks on weekends so I'm claiming alcoholic and being dramatic. I think this is a BIG fucking deal

>>16521157
I did not mean to imply that you were being dramatic or that this wasn't a problem. It definitely is, but addiction is an insidious thing and there will almost certainly be a point where he gives in to temptation.

He has to quit. There is no question about it. He needs to start on the road to quitting. But if he has made good progress and has a temporary relapse, be aware that this is very common among addicts and is not necessarily because he's hopeless. As long as he goes right back onto the road to recovery, then it doesn't mean that he has failed in his attempts to become clean.

There needs to be a limit to relapses, of course. A strike system, perhaps, so he knows he can't just fake it.

>>16521151
This. If he could reason with his addiction then your savings wouldn't have been demolished OP.

This is beyond you, beyond him. Your priority is your daughter. Stay with some relatives if you can and get a part time job at least so you can afford essentials. Separate your bank accounts.

>>16521178
This is like an every 3 months he needs to go.. and just this past month he went twice in 1 week! !!!

If he came to me and was honest idk, it wouldn't make it ok, but fuck he literally looks at me everyday and lies. I feel like I'm so hurt

>>16521191
This is what I am thinking.

Like I said he doesn't see it as a'big deal' because it was 'only 800' and not all of everything...

It's so confusing. And he's gaslighting me trying to get mad at ME for opening the statement. It seems like a cycle of abuse a battered woman goes through.

Except it's our money and he doesn't abuse me.... Idk, anyone have any related stories to share??? I feel so alone I literally don't have anyone who understands.

My mom knows and that's it, she's trying to keep neutral in supporting me in my decision, but still letting me know i need to leave him for him to wake up.

No body around me knows or can relate

>>16521042
He has to go cold turkey. It's the only way.

Send him to GA or its equivalent. (Most areas require ads for casinos to include in small print the phone number of a compulsive gambler's hotline)

Send his photo to every casino in the area and ask that he be barred.

Give him an ultimatum - one slip and you are gone. And do it.

>>16521217
That can happen he can be banned from casinos??

>>16521192
I think you're entirely justified in feeling this way. Ultimatums usually don't work but you really cannot keep living like this.

The only reason you still have everything paid right now is because you're constantly on him about it.

What happens if something were to happen to you? Would he be able to step up and parent your daughter and provide or would he drown his sorrows in slot machines and black Jack?

>>16521216
That "only 800" could be put in your daughters college savings, could be part of a family vacation, could be savings incase he gets laid off or fired

You guys have no padding now. If he were to get into a car accident tomorrow and was rendered disabled would you be able to cover bills until he could get disability payments?

Probably not because he's blowing it all. He's taking away a safe guard from his family with his addiction.

There's people working two weeks at minimum wage that get paid $800 in two weeks. Social security disability is about that much for a month. It's a big amount to a lot of people so even if you make a lot it's not "just 800"

>>16521253
You'd think he learned, he shattered his collar bone last year in October and didn't work and by the grave of god we got by, but it was scary

>>16521042
>>16521216

That's a gambler.

I'm the son of a gambler who pretty much threw away our family for his habit.

My mom tried so fucking hard to put up with it. He would always say everything is fine, but it wasn't. She was always receiving support from her parents, many days we would have starved if not for them.

One day she started withholding money and hiding it away from their bank accounts. Because my Dad was so deep in gambling, he had no idea, so he just assumed he had already gambled it away.

He began taking loans from friends and co-workers for gambling cash. He would pawn items to pawn shops, and we wouldn't see them for months if he wasn't "lucky" and didn't win enough cash back to get the item back. He lied to us about it too. He said he was dropping off the computer for repair, even though I knew what a fucking pawn shop was at my age, but I didn't say anything.

The last straw came when he stole my grandfather's identity, took out a $10,000 loan and blew it all away. My mom ended it right there, and the stupid bastard was lucky that my mom didn't press charges. She felt pity for him, so she let him off. He got kicked out and was living out of his car for an entire year before he cleaned up. My mom didn't allow him to see us until he cleaned up and had a place of his own, and that was sort of his wake up call.

He still gambled, but in moderation. Was able to get his own place and everything, doing better now, but it took a huge fucking desperate situation (getting kicked out, divorce, unable to see kids) for him to finally see the light.

OP, I'm telling you right now. You tell him that he needs to get help, or you just flat out leave. There's no discussion. He's fucking LYING to you about his habit. That's already something hugely wrong.

If you just try to hide money, he WILL find ways to get money to fuel his addiction, as I stated above. It's only a matter of time, and the method in which he does it.

Your daughter's life depends on it.

>>16521301
This is so intense anon. It's so crazy. I had sooooooo much before him all on my own. Now I'm penniless, bad credit, I have no money of my own or a bank account. He works and I stay at home, so he just gives me any cash I need when I ask for it.

I'm not on any government assistance either. Not saying I need it l, but this is crazy.

I know i need to leave. I can stay with my mom.

>>16521422
Not him but:
Your credit can be built up again. My friend had shit credit cause his parents opened up stuff in his name but he's been working on it ( he said credit karma was really helpful, Reddit also has some finance subreddits that can be useful).

It sucks short term but you'll get through this. Don't buckle or fall for crocodile tears. Don't let him or anybody tell you that you're breaking up the family either, you're protecting your daughter and that's your duty as her mother.

>>16521422

Then do it. Don't be like my Mom. She tried so hard to put up with it, and he just took advantage of it until he fucked up so hard that it was unforgivable.

Technically, it's already unforgivable. Your life is ruined. It takes years to build up credit when it's fucked. It takes forever to save up money when you are starting from nothing.

Even if he quit right now, you would both still be in a fucking financial bind for many years. If your bad credit ever fucks you out of getting something, you are going to resent him because you'll know that it was because of HIM.

Now would be a good time. Before your daughter understands what's going on. He may fix himself up before his daughter realizes the reason why Dad destroyed the family. If he decides to get help that is.

Don't let him try to pull any bullshit on you. He's doing anything in his mind to justify why it's OK that he's gambling. It's NEVER ok to gamble money when you have no savings. Anything can happen. Don't let him act like ITS FINE, NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN, WE WILL BE OK, AS LONG AS WE HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT AND PROVIDE DIAPERS AND STUFF, ITS OK FOR ME TO GAMBLE. It's not OK to live from paycheck to paycheck. That's not a life you want for your daughter or yourself. If he's fine with that, let him do it. But don't let him drag you down. The fact that he's going as far as getting angry at you is a sign that he's so deep into gambling that his mental state has been altered to a point where there's no turning back.

You have to understand that it's not about money for him anymore. He just loves the thrill of gambling. There was days where my Dad would win like $5,000 - $10,000 and he would lose it all within the same week because it meant he could increase the thrill by making bigger bets. It's never "enough". He could will One Million Dollars and he'd still gamble. He NEEDS help. And YOU need to get away from him so that he either gets it, or he gambles himself into oblivion.

Thank you all for being so real with me on this, I'm in tears. It's so hard. It's hard because it does feel like it me breaking up the family. Because Idk. I'm bawling my eyes out. I can't live like this any more.

Thank you for not trolling me with stupid shit anons,
This is such an unrelatable topic irl....

>>16521509
Wishing you the best op. You aren't breaking up the family, you're protecting your daughter from your husbands addiction and lies.