So, dear /adv/
Have you ever being in a situation where, in a relationship, you realized that your feelings for the other are dying (or already dead) while the other is still holding them towards you?
How do you deal with it regarding yourself?
inb4 the obvious: "you break-up in the cleanest way possible, the other will get over it".
The question here is: how do you know for sure that your feelings are not just down? Why would you risk breaking with someone who loves you when you are not sure of what you feel?
How do you deal with the internal conflict between feeling guilty of turning down someone who loves you VS how annoying it is to have someone who loves you around you when you don't feel the same?
Help me /adv/, plz
>>16451788
so this is pretty much every relationship as it winds down.
Unfortunately there is no easy way around it.
You will feel guilty, mainly because you are not a sociopath.
But remember OP, the person that loves you wants to be loved in return. If you can not provide that, then you are really doing them no favors.
That said, there is no reason to rush into anything. Maybe try spending more time apart and making the time you are together a little more special. See how that goes.
May I ask:
How old are you?
How long have you been dating?
Do you live together?
If so, for how long?
>>16451805
>How old are you?
>How long have you been dating?
>Do you live together?
>If so, for how long?
34yo
1 1/2 years
Yes
for 1 year
>>16451813
How old if your partner and does she want children?
>>16451822
Why would you think I am a guy?
You can learn to love them again, you know. Think about what changed between the start of your relationship and now. Small acts of kindness, token gestures like pulling the chair out for one another, going out to eat at nice places, showing a more genuine interest in knowing about one another's day and life in general. If you don't have dates and small acts of kindness, if you don't show interest in one another's day and don't make eye contact and admire one another, love will fizzle. But love can absolutely be created by consciously doing those things again.
If you want to love this person you can work towards being able to do so again. As for if you're not sure, sit on it for a while. Don't say anything about not being sure you love them, instead talk about how you want to do more of the things I mentioned above and how they're important to you.
Or you could break up, but if you don't want that, this is your best option.
Yes.
One element gives it away: Consistency.
If you being down because of your SO is frequent and consistent, then it's time to roll the hard six.
>>16451822
>How old if your partner and does she want children?
you guessed right
She is 28 and wants children very much, though she doesn't seem to truly understand what that entails...
I, in the other hand, already have 1 and I don't want more.
>>16451813
ok this the guy who posted
>>16451805
You are older than I thought, but also, you have dated 1.5 years...That pretty much corollates with how long it takes for humans to conceive a fetus, gestate, give birth and ween a child. In other words, that is pretty much the lifespan of the chemicals that are required to bond a man and a woman to successfully procreate the next generation.
Whether you are dating a man or a woman, this is the when the chemicals that made you "in love" wear off, even if everything else is good.
So, there are a few things here.
1 - are you confusing "love" with the chemical high you get from being "in love"? Think about it. Think about what love is and what it means. And think about what building a life together really entails. Think about 2 years from now. Think about what you will need/want in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. can this person provide that for you? Can you provide that for them?
2 - you only knew each other for 6 months when you started living together. I think it is a mistake that people cohabitate so readily now. i am not a moralfag, just that it makes breaking up so much harder. Like if you had your own place, you could just ease back some from your relationship and do some soul searching. You could have friends over and just get a break, so on and so on.
Now if you try to this, it is a huge big fucking deal and makes your partner feel insecure.
basically, 9 months to 2 years is about when most people figure out they are with the wrong person.
However, it is also when relationships evolve from the "lets cuddle and stay up all night fucking." to "this is how we build a mutually beneficial, nurturing life together."
you will have to figure out which this is for you.
You may want professional help to do that.
>>16451854
>1 - are you confusing "love" with the chemical high you get from being "in love"? Think about it.
Yeah, I know that time and I know that me feeling annoyed with this relationship is very likely the effect of passion wearing off
And that makes everything complicated because I constantly feel like I would be better off alone, but that is because I know that I would be able to get a new girl and get those feelings again.
however, this girl I have now is not one I can easily just dump: she is, in many ways, a "dream girl" for me, though utterly annoying in others ways.
>can this person provide that for you?
I honestly thought so, in the beginning.
She can provide the sex, more than I will ever need.
But on other things: not sure. She is cool to talk to, but too immature in so many ways that sometimes we just "lose connection" with each other. Plus she has different values to so many things, we have so many long weird fights.
>Can you provide that for them?
She wants love (in a very traditional way), marriage and children, and she truly believes that those 3 walk hand in hand.
I could happily provide the 1st but not the 2nd and 3rd.
>>16451851
That's a pretty big deal and something you should think about. This more than likely will affect you both later down the road if you don't succum to a mutual agreement.
>>16451851
This is a huge incompatibility and should raise major concern in even the most perfect relationship. She is twenty eight, her hormones will only rage stronger if she already feels strongly about it now.
You need to realize that it is very tricky to want to not break up to not "turn her down", because this is a tempting scenario for you. The status quo remains, you don't have to hurt her to her face for now. It is easy to choose to not do anything, but in this situation because it also works out quite well for you, it is very easy to delude yourself into thinking you're thinking of her while you're just granting yourself the easy way out.
You have only been together for a year and a half. If you'd been together for ten years, I'd say, make sure you're not depressed, reflect on how you feel about other areas of life, reflect on the stage your relationship is in. But you should still be in full blown honeymoon phase. Your OP does not sound like this is just a very recent problem. I think you should just accept that whatever you can offer her, is probably worth less than a guy who can giver her children, will still be crazy about her in perhaps even thirty years, and feels passionate about her. You ask whether to break with someone who loves you while you are not sure, but you say several more times in your post that you don't love her anymore. It sounds like you are just hoping this is a temporary thing because it would be more practical (short term) and going against your own better judgment.
>>16451854
>However, it is also when relationships evolve from the "lets cuddle and stay up all night fucking." to "this is how we build a mutually beneficial, nurturing life together."
This is a critical point regarding my feelings towards her.
I KNEW that this change would come, I have seen that happens a few times in my life.
And I tried, in the course of this time, to prepare everything to get to that point. That means: iron out the main issues, understand and show clearly who we are to each other, how to deal with our differences and difficult parts of our characters.
Most of it was met with what I would almost call "hostility", in the sense that she was defending very strongly (though not with a clear understand of what she was doing) the "passion status" of our relationship and took most of my efforts as "you are killing the feelings between us".
Since I am such a bitch too, I didn't take that lightly and instead of being patient and let things pass by themselves, I allowed many things to run their courses in the worst possible way
For example: close friends.
Common-immature behaviour is to, when you get in a hot, close relationship, you end up closing ties with your close friends.
I tried to avoid that, to keep my friends at least to a certain distance.
Most of my friends are women and can be easily perceived as "threatening" (good looking, smart, stuff like that), so she got extremely jealous of them, regardless of me endlessly explaining that they are not a threat for a whole host of reasons.
Eventually I got pissed off and "allowed" it to happen the worse possible way: I cut ties with them kind of on purpose and allowed the lack of friends to talk to take its toll (that is partially why I am here on /adv/ instead of talking to close friends about all of this.
>>16451876
On a serious note:
You sound liek this may not actually be a good match.
Again, maybe you need to think about why you arent a good match. Is it a flaw on your part? Like do you only want younger women who are not into family yet.
I mean you are going through a change in your life, too. You have probably noticed that you are getting older and started looking at some things differently.
That can be hard to deal with.
But if she is not someone you can put up with...actually enjoy being with...for years to come, why drag it out?
On the other hand, you may feel like you can get another woman right off the bat now, but will you just keep repeating? If so, will you be that guy I see at the bar who is 45 and still trying to look 27?
I mean being on your own is fine if that is what you want, but the pickings get slimmer and slimmer as you get older.
So, don't really have any advice other than try to think about whether this is really just a bad match or if you are looking for the impossible.
>>16451881
>That's a pretty big deal and something you should think about. This more than likely will affect you both later down the road if you don't succum to a mutual agreement.
>>16451889
>This is a huge incompatibility and should raise major concern in even the most perfect relationship. She is twenty eight, her hormones will only rage stronger if she already feels strongly about it now.
I know that.
But the thing is: I can't bear children anymore. SHE KNOWS THAT, she knows about since like the 2nd time we had sex.
So, for me, indeed it is a very "confortable" situation: I don't have to worry about it, there will be no "accidents".
But for her? I don't really get why she is still with me, she kind of believes that I will change my mind...
>>16451901
She's both in love with you and probably already hormone drenched. Of course she would rather tell herself that you just need time, you'll see what an awesome mother she'd make, your nesting instincts will kick in - than realizing that you are not going to work this out. It is more than realizing she won't have a child with you or that this is a big deal, it is effectively accepting that you need to break up and stalling that is just wasting time that is precious for her. Of course she'd rather look away than face that when she's crazy about you still.
>>16451906
Shit, read it too quickly and only realize now you mean you physically cannot, I thought you meant "can't" in the sense of it being wholly off the table.
Yeah that's more strange. But if you had a vasectomy, they are usually still reversible for years. Maybe she's even hoping you are on board with getting a sperm donor and raising the child as parents, who knows. Bottom line is she's not going to think rationally about this.
>>16451891
hey - i hear you
Sorry I just realized I used "guy" in this post
>>16451898
Anyhow. Sounds like she has unrealistic expectations of what life is really like. How old is she?
You can either just go along and see if she matures, or you can end it.
There is another approach and as a non-judgmental person, I can actually just throw it out there.
You could go along with the whole charade and just reconnect with your friends, let her be mad and spend time with others. Even to the point of having a side piece.
DESU - that is how at least 60% of my friends deal with the unreasonable expectations of their home life. That is gay/straight and male/female friends.
>>16451898
great post!
>You sound liek this may not actually be a good match.
We were, but conflict like that about jealousy happened and I got sour towards her. I 100% understand that if I could just get over it, things would be cool and nice now (she is getting better at the whole "be mature" thing)
>Like do you only want younger women who are not into family yet.
It is actually the other way around: she was the "exception", I was much more into women closer to my age even if they had children. I kind of like children, I just don't want another one OF MINE.
>But if she is not someone you can put up with...actually enjoy being with...for years to come, why drag it out?
Because of this: she is not specially bitchy or specially annoying, I would say she is average or even slightly above average in terms of "bitchness and annoyance"
Which tells me that if I can't even deal with her, my chances of finding someone for the long term are bad.
But then again, there is the mysterious "chemistry" factor.
I NEVER felt any chemistry towards her, but somehow she does very strongly towards me... BUT before her, I was with a woman that I had a lot of chemistry towards and I had far more patience with her BS than the current one... The thing is that I can't tell if the difference is the chemistry or just me getting tired of BS...
>but will you just keep repeating? If so, will you be that guy I see at the bar who is 45 and still trying to look 27?
That is something that bothers me very much, that is why I have 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th thoughts about ditching her...
>>16451910
>You could go along with the whole charade and just reconnect with your friends, let her be mad and spend time with others. Even to the point of having a side piece.
I seriously considered that, but we live together, I am a foreigner in HER country (so the law enforcement will side with her "by default") and she may get dangerously crazy, to the point of wasting my stuff in a fit of rage...
>>16451922
>Which tells me that if I can't even deal with her, my chances of finding someone for the long term are bad.
This is completely flawed logic given that you never felt chemistry with her. If you like someone a lot, they give you energy, they make you happy, it doesn't annoy you to see testaments of their love but makes you feel fulfilled and at peace. You cannot look at it so one sidedly, only accounting for amount of "bitchiness", and judge by that. It's a bigger picture and while she may not be a pain in the ass she doesn't come with great additions to your life for you either. If there was someone who could give you a slight sidelong look that made you weak in the knees, make you roar with laughter, make you feel energized and alive by a good conversation... of course you'd be able to put up with more.
Also you're only thirty four, you don't mind a woman having kids, and you like women your age. If you are decently groomed, in shape and socially competent, you actually have a very good position on the dating market from my understanding. The issue with most men your age isn't that there are no attractive nice women, but that they don't want someone with a child, or they want someone substantially younger.
Tnx anons in this thread, it has been a while I wanted to have a good conversation about this.
It really helped clear some confusing ideas in my mind.
This could be the end of the relationship, or it could just be the end of the honeymoon phase: the transition from falling in love to being in love. They feel different.
Think back to the earliest days of your relationship. What sorts of things did you do that your partner most appreciated, maybe even more than you expected? Chances are, you can draw a common theme from these: things you said, things you gave, times you touched, time you spent together, or things you did for your partner.
Now apply this thinking in reverse: what dorts of things did your partner do that really struck home with you? Once again, chances are you can draw a common theme, but it's probably not the same one. Most couples don't match up that way. This is not a death sentence; it just requires some extra awareness.
Talk about this, and start doing things along your partner's theme. When it hits thome like this, your partner will want to do more things along your theme, and vice versa. This created a sort of feedback that pulls a couple closer together. The same thing happens in the honeymoon phase, when we instinctively blast out every signal we can think of, but you can create that kind of feedback loop post-honeymoon too. You just have to be deliberatw about it.
