20 years old, NEET, live at home and rely on my mother to stay alive through benefits, have a mixture of depression and social anxiety, these which are amplified due to the situation I've found myself in.
I attribute arriving at this point to dropping out of high school prematurely at 14, cutting contact with friends, and essentially halting my social life then and there. Instead of enrolling into another high school, I instead opted to do distance education (that I still haven't complete) which meant 95% of my time was spent indoors at home, and the remainder was still spent alone. My hobbies consisted of what's expected - a monumental time in front of screens, playing video games and shitposting here. The barriers which limited me to these hobbies and living conditions I feel were a lack of stable accommodation (moved around a bit), lack of direction and fear towards regaining some form of social life outside of school alongside peers, eventually addiction towards the video games and internet, and ultimately depression and social anxiety. From ages 14-18, it's almost like there's a giant gap in my life where I essentially did nothing.
2014 was the first time I tried to push myself out of this. I was enrolled in a short "Workplace Practices" course that was supposed to make me more employable. I figured getting a job was the way to go. Being around the small group of about 12 people made me quite nervous but I made it through and completed it. At the time it felt like a turning point but unfortunately I spent the rest of the year putting the legally required minimal effort to find a job after the initial energy had gone. Went to two interviews at fast food places but I guess I was a bit awkward.
(cont.1/3)
So, the next year, 2015, I decided to enrol in an in-class 'Tertiary Preparation' course to supplement my lack of high school diploma. Primarily it was to get out of being obligated to look for work, but I also came to be enthused about the opportunity of earning a certificate that would allow me to go to university and 'catch-up' with my "imaginary" peers that I'm forever competing with. Long story short, it ended up falling short of expectations too. It could be completed within a year, and I made it about 90% of the way, but I let the work get ahead of me for a variety of reasons which lead to me being overwhelmed, missing days, then calling it quits. What plagued me throughout the year was obsessive thoughts and concerns about social interactions and maintaining relationships with people, something I was now rather unfamiliar with. Instead of paying my full attention in class, I was constantly thinking about the people around me; how I appear to them, how I should behave around them, how I should interact with them, should I go with them for lunch, are we going to walk together to the train station, ect. And when I came home, it didn't really stop, meaning no studying. It was due to feelings of inadequacy, comparing what other people around my age had done and achieved next to what I hadn't, because of the gap that was my late teens. Despite managing to make some friendships with some wonderful people, the stress of this constant inadequacy meant gradually distancing and avoiding them, until I cut them off completely via dropping out of the course.
(cont. 2/3)
A few months into this year, in yet another effort to gain some traction, I came to find it's still (unsurprisingly) a burden that's affecting my ability to pursue meaningful relationships. For about a month, I did volunteer work out on a farm and met some characters. Upon reflection now, I'm not sure why I would expected otherwise, but I still felt constantly uptight and unable to loosen up around people. The end point I guess of this whole post (I just started writing randomly) is that for a long time I haven't done anything and still continue to do fucking nothing, which is both a result and a 'cause' of my situation, but I've reached the point where it's hard to get up and do something about it after so many defeats. I think I started writing this because I was some empathy or sympathy, but what I -need- is some good solid direction on how to overcome this. When I wake up in the morning, despite having the highest desire for it before I go to bed, the last thing I feel like doing is going outside, to help give some perspective. I need some guidance in figuring out what my goals are and setting small achievable steps to gradually close in on them.
Hmph. I apologise if I've gone a little schizophrenic at the end there, I've grown quite tired and will probably hop into bed soon. I would deeply appreciate any advice. Thank you.
(3/3)
Oh god I'm tired as fuck, really appreciate anyone that has the patients to read through my bullshit, it probably could've been much shorter.
>>17369740
Do need any advice or are just venting?
I'm cool with both options.
It sounds like you do have it in you to change yourself, but you have trouble staying motivated. I think what you need to do is find a job. Any job, it doesn't matter how shit it is, you're only 20 and you've got plenty of time to find a better one. It will force you to get out of the house regularly and to have some amount of interaction with other people.
Remember, you're not really being scrutinized all the time. And you're not doing as badly as you think you are either. You're barely even an adult yet, you've already done a fair amount and you've got plenty of time.
