Looking for that sobering advice this board has consistently given. It concerns my girlfriend and a guy in her old circle of friends who has had feelings for her (call him Tom). Greentext naow:
>we've been seeing each other for a year +2 months now, weren't official until 8-9 months ago
>early on when we were first talking she went to the bar with Tom once, consoled him about his room-mates, he was apparently drunk/upset
>after that night asked her about him, said she had friend-zoned him/wasn't interested in him like that
>he did work on her car once later, she bought him food as thanks, then they rented a couple movies, she was over his place till 2am
>she openly told me all these things, said nothing happened but when i asked she told me all this
>become official later
>friend has xmas party at his place, says she's going, at this point i've met a couple of friends from this circle
>Tell her I didn't feel right, given I wasn't invited. We'd discussed jealousy a little b4. Morning of party invites me to go with her
>said she asked another good friend going if it'd be weird to ask Tom if I could come, her friend told her she's being silly and told Tom she was afraid to ask, so that when she asked Tom he said yes and she told Tom that she wasn't afraid to ask him
>she tells me all these things, I chose not to go that night, frustrated it seemed she was ashamed to ask given her good friend in the circle agreed she was being silly
>went camping with her circle one weekend in spring, Tom there, said very little to me, everyone else seems mostly cool
>when this comes up gf repeatedly mentions wanting everyone to be cool
>Tom is having a birthday party in 2 weeks, inviting the circle out to a couple bars (bars her and I have gone to as well)
>says she's probably going
>I haven't been invited. She said he made a fb page for it, made everyone hosts but doesn't know if thats cool if I go
to be continued, almost wrapped up, please bear with me because I'm really conflicted
>>17369719
>when I mentioned my feelings she said she doesn't want it to be where she can't hang with any of them if Tom is there
>Tell her I never stated this, it just feels odd I'm excluded
>It's not even that I feel I always have to be there, it just seems that anytime Tom hosts something I'm excluded
>she says she's frustrated that she feels she has to ask him if I can come, I don't know why she feels that way
>in the past she made a fb status looking for girl-friends who would like to work out with her
>Tom comments that he's down
>she "liked" it
>I came to /adv/ on that issue, when I asked her she said she wouldn't do it, just liked the comment out of courtesy? I shrugged it off but to me it shows Tom's intentions
>when discussing the birthday recently I brought that stuff up, she got aggravated I bring up the stuff from before
>we discuss all this with no hostility I should add, both of us have been cheated on and talk openly to each other
>however i learned in this convo that she had gone on a couple dates with him a little before we started talking, and that he kissed her once, she wasn't ready for it, felt it was awkward
>I told her she would feel the same way I do in my shoes, and maybe handle it differently b/c in our talks she's said she wouldn't even want to know if I've looked at another girl
I don't know if I'm mis-placing trust now. What has me feeling I could be wrong to mis-trust is that she feels excluded from the circle since her last breakup. They knew her bf but none of them liked the guy. Her "good friend" from the circle knew her ex was cheating on her, didn't tell her but told the whole circle. So they all knew she was being cheated on but never told her, she found out thru an acquaintance so she even questions why she tries staying in with this circle of friends
So I don't want to be the boyfriend who says they're not good friends, but they don't seem that way. And I'm frustrated that Tom's feelings for her seem to exclude me
>>17369719
>>17369753
Correction: I'm frustrated that it seems Tom's feelings for her seem to be the reason I get excluded. And it's going to bother me that night if she goes out with them for his birthday, knowing I'm excluded because of his feelings or me getting a little jealous and asking what was between them.
That's the story so far. Other than this issue our relationship has been great. But when this comes up things feel a little shitty.
I'd greatly appreciate any input and thanks ahead of time for your time and /adv/ice, it's never failed me before
>>17369769
>I'm excluded
OP the reason you are excluded is because of Tom and she doesn't want to make him uncomfortable. In most relationships it is assumed if one is invited the couple is so it is very problematic your gf doesn't see it this way.
Having said that it doesn't appear she will change so you either shut up about it and accept her relationship with Tom or you decide you will not put up with your gf in a close friendship with a guy that is in love with her and find you another girl that puts your relationship above a guy.
Dont know much but this reeks of im fucking the guy or planing on fucking the guy.
Its just my intuition though. More experienced and sensible anons coukd have better advice.
Either that or he is hard hitting on her.
>>17369809
Yeah also this.
Most of the times the gf bring her bf to whatever shit she does or viceversa.
And not being invited ot a Christmas party (which arguably is quite important event wise) is preaty shady as well.
Safe move would be cut and move. Ballsy move is addresing the elephant in the room.
>>17369719
bump
TLDR:
the gist of it is my gf has an old circle of friends she sees less. One guy in the circle has had feelings for her and I believe still does, she friendzoned him over a year ago. This is the 2nd time he's hosted something for the circle and I'm not invited and she doesn't want to ask if I can come.
She said she might leave with her girl-friend who is not in the circle. She also questions why she's friends with said people in this group because none of them told her about her ex cheating on her
Could really use input on this situation because I feel I have to question things.
>>17369809
>in a close relationship with
the frustrating thing is they don't talk or keep in contact much at all. She only sees him when the circle hangs out, and of all this time we've been dating the circle has only involved her a couple of times, the xmas party, the time i went to the lake with her, and this soon to be bday party
What I don't understand is she questions why she's friends with any of them for not telling her her ex cheated on her. I agree that that's shitty and don't understand.. why bother with them? She says other people have told her the same things
When I bring this up we talk it out with few problems, she said she wants to know whats on my mind and all and doesn't want to keep anything from me
>>17369836
U sure about this? Do you stay with her every day? Cause who knows who she is hanging I her time when you aint toghether.
Agai to me it sounds like a) pity for the friendzoned dude
b) feelings for the dude.
As you said she has no reason to hang with em. She is on the brink of leaving that circle yet she stays for nk apparent reason.
I dont want to sound like that guy but whe may want the tom d.
>>17369846
I don't stay with her every day but as much as we talk I feel like if it was that drastic I would notice something by now.
The strongest indication of anything is exactly what I mention ITT, being excluded for the 2nd time here. But we've been dating for months and talking for a year.
Maybe this is an example why there's evidence against being suspicious? We planned a trip to a concert once a few months back, this "good friend" from her circle was going with his girlfriend, Tom invited himself along, would've fifth wheeled, the other guy and his gf backed out, and my gf agreed on doing something else because having Tom in as the third wheel would be no fun
Other anons in the previous thread I made months back mentioned she seemed she was just trying to handle friendzoning Tom in the nicest possible way, but this new situation has stirred things up again
>>17369836
then the only reason she is going is to see Tom
>>17369894
The concert thingy is null evidence in my eyes. It can be interpreted in both ways. Aka she wants to keep shit less awkward or feels bad for not being with tom and being with you.
Dunno previous anon could be right about the friendzone thingie (though I think friendzoning is bullshit). But you must have a say in this. Make her understand that she isnt quite clear enough to tom.about their relationship (aka friendship).
My dark side still wants to belive she wants the tom d.
>>17369917
>my dark side
kek
I have a side stemming from past relationship trust issues that can jump to the most extreme cheating conclusions. So I'm wrestling with that sort of bias, as I have in a past relationship or two.
But this is all getting me prepared for the next time we discuss this because it's not a done discussion by any means
>>17369917
>>17369944
And in relation to that we just have had really deep personal moments and she has said she wants us to see each other more in the week, we spend every weekend together, so everything seems 50/50 and a haze atm
In making the OP I was in that biased mind set for certain
>>17369948
Maybe covering up? Maybe guilt for cheating? Dunno I think we kinda thinned out the info we can gather from what we have now. Best thing to do is have a long calm talk somewhere private with her and sort the shit out.
Form a speech and try to sound as least jelous as possible.
>>17369769
Dude, if she is going and you want to go you should just show up. If they don't like it they can piss off.
>>17369978
To elaborate they are autists for not inviting her +1. It is implied that both people are invited if you invite someone that is seriously dating. Unless it is a girl's night or something. In which case Tom wouldn't be there. Though he does sound like a little bitch so maybe they would invite him to girl's night kek
>>17369978
Seconding this, just nut up and go man. Don't expect them to invite you not knowing you that well. Just go and be friendly with everyone
>>17369894
>Tom invited himself along
if Tom can do it why can't you OP
>>17369986
To add to the >he sounds like a little bitch
At my gf's birthday (which was before we officially started dating) he was there with another guy from the circle. Her girl friends stayed the whole night but the other guy left. Tom stayed for about an hour after, not talking to anyone, standing off to the side
At the time I did pity him some because if i was in his shoes I would've left right away regardless of feelings
She said he kept insisting that he would give her a ride home, told me she told him she could drive herself
but I did end up driving her home and taking care of her
Its this weird situation where I can see there may well be no unfaithfulness on her part and I'm getting insecure over someone who repeatedly gets shot down
It's a weird situation regardless because I can't figure out what the situation really is
>>17369997
What is the point of showing there in the first place if the girl is clearly going there for tom. I thinm this needs to be settled between Op and his bae. Cause even if he forces himself into that party (a rude as fuck gesture if you ask me) he would degraded both his relation with the girl and her friends.
Best thing to do is talk that shit out with anon girl in privatr.
>>17370006
I'm gonna talk it out with her
Definitely wouldn't just show up
But we do need to get to the bottom of it
>>17370008
K k keep us posted
>>17370006
The reason he goes or says he will go is to force the issue instead of this passive aggressive shit from OP and the gf. If OP says he is going the gf will fucking flip out
>>17370045
I think there's a better way to force the issue than just outright going. Doing that will bring the issue out in front of everyone there. I don't jive with that, especially since I don't feel like I need any of them involved in it anymore than what they are without me doing that. The others I've met in the circle I've had a good time with when I met them, and we seemed to have gotten along well.
I honestly feel it's just that Tom isn't over it.
My gf says she feels she shouldn't have to ask and is frustrated with feeling she has to. I've realized that's part of the issue, why does she feel she has to ask?
My thoughts are that if I can get to the bottom of that with her it will reveal all I need to know
>>17369944
this is basically my suspicion and advice here: you have had some bad luck and seem to have a hard time trusting her.
But you will also see, that not beeing able to trust is a big red flag in the book of girls and your GF aswell. Here is what I would do:
Give her chances to prove herself to you. Trust her, the less of an issue you make out of it, the better she will think of you.
you are 1 year in the relationship, you are not married, if she would cheat on you, you could be gone with no consequences in one second. You dont need to control her, because if she does anything, you will find out about it or she will tell you, before you two get serious.
If she is a cheater, it's better she does it know than when you are married with three kids.
if you give her some space, it's win/win: Either she turns out to be a cheater immediately or she proves her worth.
If you preasure her to come along you are going to come across needy and if she was a cheating hoe all along, she will find situations and reasons for cheating later on anyways. which means lose/lose for you.
>>17369809
This. With my gf, whenever one of us is exclusively invited it's either because of a good reason (private family affair) or we fight for the other. If the other still can't be invited we won't go. I'm glad I have a gf who understands this. She almost didn't go to her friend's wedding because she very blatantly did not invite me.
You should get a gf like this too. Yours sounds awful.
