I've been a weak, autistic loser through all my life. I've realised that in the past few years, after I started finally accepting the fact that I'm this pathetic creature, that the constant awareness of it has turned me into a huge fucking cunt.
Here's the reason: think of the classic bullying scenario, where you're bullied because you're too weak to fight back and too shy/autistic to answer back. If you were strong or sharp, you'd never be picked on, but since you were an "easy target" people picked on you. And it's not just with bullying. I remember that when teachers wanted to impose order in class, they wouldn't ask some popular funny kid to stop talking or threaten to expel him from class, because he could easily turn the situation around and make an idiot out of the teacher. They would, instead, yell at someone like me and then punish us because we couldn't fight back. They'd make an example out of us, not others, because we were the losers.
This is a pattern that I've become accostumed with, and I started to read the world and people's actions through these terms. This idea that I'm receiving a special negative treatment has become so ingrained in my mind that I can't ponder, at almost every negative interaction I have, if that person is just acting a certain way towards me because I can't do anything about it, or because he expects me not to be able to do anything about. I get sensitive at most jokes, I get aggressive whenever I detected a tone of reprimand in someone's voice, I get absolute bitter whenever someone ignores or snubs me, etc. I immediately imagine that they wouldn't treat me like that if I were stronger, or taller, or wealthier, or more extroverted, more popular, and so on.
The result if, of course, that I'm a fucking dick all the time, I'm constantly being an asshole, and I'm aggressive almost by default because I feel like if I'm not, people will exploit me.
Am I on the path towards misery if I keep doing that?
Jesus Christ I can't be the only one
Life has jaded you anon, I understand how that feels. I want you to know something though, you can be assertive and still be kind. If you want to stand up for the little guy then do it, I am completely supporting you on that, but keep in mind that being aggressive doesn't mean you're assertive. People respect assertive people because they have a level of control on their emotions that weak/aggressive people do not.
Honestly, seeking therapy can really help with these problems, it can help you sweeten your bitterness.
To answer your question, yes you are headed on a terrible path. Jadedness is a self-feeding cycle. You will hate yourself more and more until there's nothing left of you to love.
>>17362692
>Jesus Christ I can't be the only one
You aren't. I'm not and never was a bully target, but people often would take advantage of me because I always was a hard worker and willing to help others. I was blinded by this and thought I had friends. I realized that I never got calls to hang out, or nobody ever asked how I was doing, so I became a bitter piece of shit, and broke ties with everyone that used me this summer. They haven't noticed yet, but one did. They were shocked by my hostility:
"Hey anon can you help me write an essay for my composition class?"
"No."
"Aw why not?"
"Because you don't deserve it."
""What?"
I didn't want to deal with their bullshit anymore so I just blocked them and continued with my day. Keep it up Anon, I feel you man.
>>17362628
anyone whose experiences have been largely negative will be driven to extremes. If you don't change you will become increasingly more miserable.
Schooling and parenting plays a very large part in setting the image of one's self, but it can be changed! I can't say that I personally had such a hard time growing up.. but you need to know that not everyone are cunts and concerned with nothing but material wealth and social status (but many are).
Your defensive strategy/self-preservation of integrity by being an asshole makes sense, but it is coming from a bad place - one where you don't perceive yourself as having value. This needs to change so you can move forward and become a better person. You can work towards some of the things you listed too - stronger (working hard at the gym+dieting), wealthier (career or entrepreneurial success), extroversion (to a degree - I think it is more about making networking more relevant to yourself), popularity (tends to be tied more with perceived value/integrity) - being handsome, funny, successful etc..
Also remember this, any time you move/go to a new school/change jobs - first impressions are renewed and your social status/perceived integrity resets.
>>17362710
>Honestly, seeking therapy can really help with these problems, it can help you sweeten your bitterness.
Would that really be the smartest choice though? I think that losing this defense mechanism might be worse.
>>17362628
>after I started finally accepting the fact
I was with you right up to that phrase. If your life sucks, you don't "accept" it. You change it. Make yourself the kind of person whose life doesn't suck.
Believe it or not, that IS under your control, especially when you get out of toxic environments like school.
>>17362749
That defense mechanism is the exact same as a suicide bomber tactic. By trying to not to be stepped on you end up blast everybody away and your chances at having real connections.
