Basically recently I went through some therapy (personal) and realized I got fucked over pretty hard by my parents, and realized what they did to me. After that, I went through this spiral of emotions (my parents are both sociopaths), to a point where I am having trouble breathing.
I think it's a temporary insanity. I am overtaken with my empathy towards people, I feel bad for every little thing that happens to people and i literally feel heartache. I feel guilty for being shallow, being a push over (Not taking a stand against shitty people who lack morals), and just not being true to myself. My true self has always wanted to improve the world, improve community etc and make things better. But I let people put a finger in my face. I don't know what I am saying, can someone relate to me here at all? feeling like you havn't been strong enough and that in turn made you a terrible person? pic related, its me.
I miss my childhood when i wasnt just a fake ass push over bitch -.-.
I can relate very well. Parents that never felt responsibile of teaching me shit nor giving me any safety or stability yet expected me to be perfect child in every way. Constant infighting, being used by both of them like a weapon against one another. My father who told me that he never wanted to be father, my mother told me in one breath how she was strongly thinking about geting abortion (she got couple before me) on me but it was too late and yet somehow nobody will ever love me like her... I could go on and on, and on. How the constant mindfuckery destroyed everything good that I managed to build around myself, how they scared every good person that wanted to help me, how they taught me to hate myself... Point is...
You are not at fault here. As a child you are hardwired to trust your parent. It's an evolutional thing. Your parents are the ones that has responsibility to teach you and care for you. It's not your fault that you weren't strong enough to resist sociopathic fuckers that are able to trick even adult people. You were child and you had no different point of view. It was only world you knew and what is worse, it was probably showed to you, as the correct one. TBC
>>17360796
Now what you say about wanting to improve world, help community. In reality it's coping mechanism. Mesianic complex is quite comon in troubled children. They feel something is right, but naturally they don't want to blame their parents. Suposedly only people (I feel rage building just thinking about it) that care for you (What a joke) so you put it outward into the world and inward into yourself. You want to improve whole world so that your family would be normal and at peace, you also learn to hate yourself. What you are feeling now, this feeling of regret of hate towards yourself ("I wasn't strong enough") it's them still fucking up with your head. It's afterfallout. Path to health and happyness is lond and diffcult but as hell I hope it's there because for sure I am not there myself, but I'm climbing up.
One of my advices would be: Love. It's a tricky thing for you, for sure. If you are anything like me, you don't know love. It's strange and alien feeling to you. It scares you, it makes you feel vulnerable, you run from it. You hate people that love. Because of it, troubled children has tendency to involve themselves into destructive and bad relationships with bad people (it's the only time they feel "good". They don't feel good enough for people that would love them, they want to be hated again, like their parents hated them). You need to be carefull about your relationships. Good relationship could make a world of difference, bad relationship will be abyss.
my parents are fucking shit
i moved out when i was 21
i've lived alone for 4 years
i'm happier than i've ever been
you need to let yourself grow
>>17360809
Not OP but thank you for posting this it's how I feel. It makes so much sense but you described it perfectly.
>>17360813
I'm thankfully going away to school next month. Only bad thing is I'll be leaving my girlfriend behind, and she's had my back for the past 3 years
>>17360796
OP here, wow, I can relate to most of what you said here.
>>17360849
I'm happy I could help at least a little bit. I know how painful and hard it is. I could go on and on and on, but frankly I am quite tired now (was sightseeing! It is one of the things that I do with my new friends and they love me for that. I feel like a child, never had it before. I let myself be enthusiastic and although they joke around that I act like a kid I can sense they feel so happy because of my enjoyment with little things.)
Also was very suicidal most of my life. And I'm sorry but I am not healthy yet myself, still trying to figure most of things out. What I would love for you to know and what I would want you to do is fight on! For me, because it get's hard and lonely sometimes. Sometimes I just lay in my bed at night not able to sleep and wishing to end it all, blind with rage at all the things that I endured like a stupid "good, perfect child". It means a world of difference to me to know that you are out there fighting battle simillar to mine. And maybe someday I will read somewhere about how you managed to win your struggle and it will help me. Couple of things I learned, it's very good to help other people and if they are good people they will repay you with much kindness, also most evil in the world is from people who are not conscious enough, who don't think enough about what they do, who lack empathy, people who don't know themselves and people who are slaves to their emotions. Most evil comes from people that are more animals, than human beings. We should all mature to be human beings.
I frequent this board often, trying to advice people to best of my ability, if you would too, there is high chance we would read each other often.
>>17360846
I'm glad. One advice, get your girlfriend with you as soon as possible. Get a job, get her a job. Live together. If she really had your back, it is something special. Don't trust in LDR bullshit. Also don't buy into this whole hook up culture, it's not worth it I speak from expierience.
>>17360934
Thank you for saying that anon. I just realized my mom always tried to poison my relationship with my girlfriend from the beginning. Even last night she was like "doesn't it bother you that you won't get any pussy?" And I was thinking deep and realized, no it doesn't fucking bother me! Me and this girl chill and she always roots for me and fixes me dinner when I get back from work anon, it's the life. I'm gonna stop being stupid and really lock this girl down now. I may postpone my schooling to instead work for a year, and get a place with my girl. And my sister too, she's worse off than I am. She's a couple years older then me (I'm 20) and I just got a job a month ago, and my sis hasn't.
So, you are saying that you are the son of Pablo Escobar? Because that pic of "you" is his son.
>>17360978
i believe he was trying to solidify the connection of being the son of a psychopath, but I may be wrong.
>>17360967
I'm very happy to hear that! Man, I wish I was as smart as you at this age. This hookup culture. Well, I had all this moments, but soon you realise all the pleasure is in your head. All this hook ups, one night stand, strange, wicked relationship, all this sex, was nice when it was, sometimes mindblowing, but it wasn't sweet, it wasn't blisful. It made me feel conflicted, dirty, impure, broken. I now think that only very troubled people or psychopats enjoy it. Some poeple say they enjoy it and that it is soooo good, because they don't want to face the reality that they've chosen wrong.
Now. World is crazy, espescially today. Especially in this day and age. They are a lot of predators. You and your girl should be prepared for that. Lots of people will try to come between you, they will try to feast upon you or they will be so misguided that they will try to "steal" your happyness, some people will want to spoil your relationship from envy or from bad attempt to make you more happy. I can almost hear, friends of your girl saying to her "What you've been with anon so long? It must've gone stale, I can hook up you with the guy, you will love it and noone will know." Don't let that to happen, educate yourself. Preserve your purity and devotion to each other.
Also remember that if your sister is in bad shape it might be dangerous to you to help her. It's like trying to save drowning person... she might pull you under. It's highly comendable to save her, just be careful.
I'm bit rambly here, still bit tired and bit drunk.
Ahh, and your mother! That sound like classic narcistic mother. She feels that she lose grip on you because of your girlfriend. Your mother sees you as a possession and she thinks that your girlfriend is trying to steal you from her. Best advice from me would be to fuck your mother, screw her, don't try to have "normal relationship" with her. Pretend that you have normal relationship if you still have strength for that.
>>17361014
But don't try to repair, rebuild or build anew. It will only give her leverage over you.
Ofcourse things might get a little stale in relationship sometimes. Think that relationship is the foundation of life and you have great chance to expierience life together, it's really special thing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvUU8joBb1Q&index=120&list=PLA5582CF2679E2F3F
For you.
>>17360720
>I think it's a temporary insanity. I am overtaken with my empathy towards people, I feel bad for every little thing that happens to people and i literally feel heartache. I feel guilty for being shallow, being a push over (Not taking a stand against shitty people who lack morals), and just not being true to myself.
Wow, you are very empathetic and sweet person. But you need to understand that your parents did exacly opposite thing to what they should do. They should make you stronger instead they made you weaker so that you would be perfect slave for them. It's very tragic. It's all their fault. You need to win with it.
>>17361014
>>17361031
Thank you anon for this, it's hard to see all the manipulation people are trying to put you through. I feel so happy with my girl but I try to fight it because I'm supposed to be a "ladies man" or something like everyone tells me.
I really appreciate your advice and I have a lot to think about and a lot to be greatful for.
>>17360978
No it's a pic of me. Why would it be a pic of his "son".
>>17360934
Yeah I really appreciate your advice man, makes alot of sense and thank you for the help. Most of the things you said hit home with me.
I am still not sure why my picture is that of pablo escobar's son? that's me winning an award in high school.
