I'm in a relationship with a girl whom I love. A few weeks into our relationship her mother died tragically. My gf fell apart. I let her move in with me to help her out. She lost her job cause they were assholes and didn't want to give her time to collect herself and miss a few days.
It's been 4 months now and it's just getting worse. I feel like an asshole cause I'm starting to get selfish thoughts about it. I own my own business and work usually round 80 hours a week, it's in its early stages so I really have to grind.
I want to come home, unwind, play with my dog, play some vidya, or go out with her. But now all she ever wants to do is cry in bed and hold me. I expected that much when this first started, but now it's just becoming almost like a chore. I have a crazy long day at work, come home and very rarely get to enjoy my little bit of off time.
I have borderline personality disorder so I lack a lot of empathy and I almost just want to tell her to suck it up now. We kind of got into a fight the other day cause I made plans for us for when I got off, wanted to do something romantic. She refused to leave the bed and just cried. I don't know what to do.
All she does is cry and do nothing. Before this happened she was the most amazing woman I've ever met. She let me do whatever I wanted and if I was playing video games or something she'd get all sexual and pleasure me as I played. Just always was doing something for me.
Now she just does nothing. I understand that it sucks to lose your parent, but it happens to everyone. It's inevitable. We all eventually will lose our parents unless we die first.
What should I do? I love her so much but I can't help her. She's only getting worse and I fear that amazing girl I knew before is just gone. It stresses me out so much cause I constantly worry about her hurting herself or something.
What should I do /adv/?
>>17357273
>mother dies
>thinks she'll be fine 4 months later
it depends on the person but idk man thats normal for her to go ape shit over
its widely accepted for her to get depressed and be emotionally disrupt, but the problem lies in the fact that sometimes people take it too far, grief is acceptable, but this is taking it a bit too far.
Now you need to conclude if she has
A) lost her mind
B) taking this shit too far and going full self-pity oo boo hoo :-((( (this is fine for a certain period of time, but not when it gets to a point where u neglect your partner because of it and get basically selfish)
>>17357273
YOu should become a better person. She isn't doing anything wrong at all. Good grief. It took me over a year to stop acting depressed when my mom died whe I was a child. Then for years I'd still cry at the mention Of a mother. It's normal. You need to seriously learn to be a nicer person.
Now what I say might be long shot, so feel free to dump it all in the trash but my guess is...
she had some serious fucked relationship with her mother. She might had narcistic mother, what indicates that beside her long mourning? This:
>Before this happened she was the most amazing woman I've ever met. She let me do whatever I wanted and if I was playing video games or something she'd get all sexual and pleasure me as I played. Just always was doing something for me.
She was doing everything to make you feel happy with her, because she had no self worth beside what people tell her. She was conditioned by her mother to feel worthless and was never good enough.
You can read it on it. Read about narcistic parent.
Well this fuckers get children because they can manipulate children and completly depend (addict) their children from themslves. They brainwash their children to make children think that without them (parent) the world will fall apart and lost all meaning. Also children is conditioned to always pleasure their parent.
So long story short, it might be that her mother was narcistic and completly addicted her daughter from her. You girlfriend world was build around her mother and while it's a hell of a life and she would have to overcome this later in life or be miserable all the time, her mother died and whole life of your girlfriend crumbled.
>>17357289
nigger grief is fine but not when u take it over-board
she can be in grief without basically not caring about HIS emotions/needs and the fact that he works 80 hours a week
that's called being selfish and putting self-pity on blast
he doesn't REALLY have to deal with this lol
>>17357289
>whe I was a child
Sure it's acceptable when you are a child. But what OP is saying is full mental meltdown of grown up person.
>>17357273
Well you work a lot and while it's very admirable and great of you. What helps best with grief is being close with someone. Maybe take vacations with her? Travel somewhere nice to get her mind of it? Jumpstart her. Start giving her resposibilities. Like make her resposible of geting house and pets happy. Geting food and preparing her.
>>17357298
This. It sucks when you have a partner who is always depressed and needs you to cheer them up. Hey, I don't mind trying to make you happy, but it's not as if I'm the jolliest soul in the world. It's hard to enjoy being with someone who will always bother you and tug on you, talking about how they have this and that to worry about.
I was much more impacted when my father died than when my mother died, but even with my Father passing away I didn't bother people with it telling them how I was depressed and I didn't ruin their day leeching off them.
Did she get a new job? Help her get a new job. She doesn't have to stop griefing but it's definitely time to get back on her feet. Don't pretend like nothing happened by planning romantic shit tho, that's just cheap distraction. Remind her she has you to live for now and remind her of how much you love her. Don't worry, the amazing woman is still there.
>>17357325
> Jumpstart her. Start giving her resposibilities. Like make her resposible of geting house and pets happy. Geting food and preparing her.
This.
>>17357325
>>17357345
As much as I can get behind the whole sympathy side of losing a parent, I don't think it should give you the right to bear the same amount of responsibility as a 2 year old for MONTHS on end.
When shit gets bad for her again later in life, there probably won't be an OP there to work 80 hours a week to support her.
Tell her to get a grip.
>>17357296
Her mom and her were very close. Always referred to her as her best friend.
>>17357283
Its just starting to take a toll on me is all. I know I could just leave whenever, but I would feel like such an ass. This is where my lack of empathy comes in. I've always just done things cause I know it's the right thing to do, not that I necessarily want to. But that's why my frustration of this matter is getting bigger. I don't understand and it's starting to hurt me now.
>>17357325
I try very hard to distract her. I've helped her get back in the job world and since I work so much I have her do most of the cooking and chores. Which is nice, but she just kinda slacks on it general which makes sense, she's hurt. I'm not sure if those things are really helping. She seems to be getting worse.
>>17357336
I always remind her that the worst part is over and it's only uphill from now on, but she just doesn't want to hear it. Today she's telling me she wants me home now to hold her. I had a night planned with my boys and now I have to attend that, which is part of my frustration.
She tells me all the time she doesn't want to be a burden, but I love her and couldn't just leave her over something like this. I just miss the old her and it seems like this is going to turn into a long project.
>>17357358
Take her with you to the boys? Does she have friends of her own to hang out with? Maybe get her a psychologist.
>>17357358
You frustration is understandable but you'll just have to get over it. Give her a year and if shit doesn't get better in those 8 months from now, then you can dump her.
>>17357374
She just wants to lay in bed with me. Nothing more. She does have her own friends, but generally she just wants to be with me cause I make her the happiest.
I'm not sure if bringing up a therapist would be a good subject right now, as another anon said, it's been about 4 months. She still is in the common griefing mode. If I redirected her problems from me to a therapist I feel like it would distance her or something
>>17357381
That's what I was figuring. I don't really understand people's emotions well, so that's why I came her. If I haven't experienced the emotion idk what the fuck is going on. I'm just assuming immense sadness, like when your first gf left you but worse. I've had distant family die and I was kinda indifferent
>>17357358
I think if you manage to hold out long enough for her to feel better again you will have your old girlfriend back and she will be really fucking thankful.
>>17357393
That's what has been making me continue. I know if I make it through the with her she will be forever thankful. She always tells me that she doesn't know what she would've done without me. But it's just really starting to wear me down. Sometimes I just wanna come home, smoke a bowl, drink some beer and just relax. I just don't have much relax time.
Maybe it's cause my whole life I had a pretty leisurely life, and now that I'm working so much and dealing with this it's making me feel like I'm suffocating.
What would you do?
>>17357383
4 months is too long to grief like this. 6 months and we're calling it clinical depression. Get her medical help. You need to support hee but you're not her therapist.
>>17357389
You keep claiming apathy but you don't sound apathetic at all. You seem to rather care for your girlfriend a lot and understand why and how she is in pain. Stop calling yourself borderline.
>>17357408
> Sometimes I just wanna come home, smoke a bowl, drink some beer and just relax. I just don't have much relax time.
That's completely normal. Like I said, you are not supposed to be her therapist and sacrifice your whole life for her. That's why she needs therapy. Do it before you start resenting her.
>>17357452
I've just learned how to live day to day with this. I know what is right and what is wrong. I hate that I'm in this position and have to do this for someone else, but I know it's the right thing.
And as I said earlier in this, she said today is the worst day for her so far and this is what I'm dealing with. I don't know what to say or do anymore
>>17357358
>Her mom and her were very close. Always referred to her as her best friend.
Well, if my hypothesis is true (if!) it still stands. Narcistic parents make their children so dependant on themselves, that their children see them as "best things in their world", it's shame because the children are very unhappy. If you want to go this path, ask her about her childhood and her teenage years, if she was generally shy, meek, shut in person we might be onto something. Someone with best friend parent should be really enjoying their life.
>>17357462
Get her a fucking shrink.
>>17357273
Guessing your not religious op ? I recommend walking her threw the 7 stages of grief.
>>17357389
>immense sadness
Losing someone who was a big part of you feels like the emotional counterpart of ripping off a limb. It's a crippling pain that numbs everything else.
I respect you for being able to put up with her suffering for so long though. It shows that you care for her and are a good man. I'm surr will be the woman she once was again.
>>17357462
It might be you enabled her to feel bad, by (ironic) being so good to her. Maybe world would by now force her to put it all behind but you gave her comfort and opportunity to grief this much so she goes into this fucking tantrum. I'm not saying this is your fault or her fault. Noone is at fault here. It might be she is fucking in this pit of sadness and she is just digging herself lower and lower instead trying to climb out.
Smooth and gentle way would be to show her something to live for.
Rough way would be to make her stand the fuck up.
It seems to me like you got to know her at a really bad time. She had turned dependent on you quite a lot for a few month relationship. Sit with her and explain what you said in the post, because it seems like you love the old (fantasy-like) person she used to be. With all respect to her tragic experience, she can`t just throw herself on you, feed off of your hard work and ruin your free time. Is this the future you want?
>>17357626
>With all respect to her tragic experience, she can`t just throw herself on you, feed off of your hard work and ruin your free time. Is this the future you want?
T H I S
H
I
S
>>17357626
Saying "with all respect" does not make the offense you say automatically less offensive.
>>17357654
kill yourself
>>17357654
Pfft, the word ”offensive” completely lost it`s meaning these days. Do you think I care about whether I offended strangers on an anonymous board or not? If anyone doesn`t like it, they can spout their ”boohoo I`m offended“ bull, or just scroll past my post. Everyone deals with death, it is no excuse to be a LEECH.
