Going to post why I'm asking this underneath, but for a tl;dr:
What's the difference between a friend, a friend with benefits, and a romantic partner? As in, what activities should you do with one that you shouldn't do with the other?
My experience has left me completely confused. I realised I don't really care about most of my friends, but I'm not sure if I'm even supposed to. I feel like 'intimate' relationships should be reserved for romantic interests, but the only intimate relationship I've ever had ended with the girl telling me she'd never seen me as more than a friend (story below).
A situation which I never really moved on from is making me doubt what I thought I knew about the concepts of 'friend' and 'girlfriend'. At first we were just casual friends (the type most people have lots of). We'd see each other at social gatherings, enjoy each other's company as part of a group, and not really care about each other any more than that. Then we started to get closer. We'd hang out together, just the two of us. She encouraged to tell me things that I wouldn't tell other people, and I think she felt like she could trust me too. We had lots of the same interests and would talk with each other for hours most nights. We'd go for walks together, days out, etc. We both had lots of other friends who we also spent time with, but I always felt this relationship was more important and intimate. Eventually we both got more flirtatious, and started sleeping with each other too. She invited me to come and stay with her for a few days at her parent's house. We never defined what we were doing and I thought I was playing it smart by 'taking it slow', but I thought that it was obvious we both wanted to be with each other.
Then she went on holiday and I didn't hear from her for a while. Nothing had changed in our friendship, I'd spoken to her the night before wishing her a good time and she said she'd miss me. The next time I spoke to her she told me that she'd met up with some friends she used to know, and had been sleeping with one of the guys. She just dropped it into the conversation casually, as if I wouldn't care. I told her how hurt I was, and I think she was genuinely surprised when she learned about my feelings for her. She basically told me that she was really sorry to have hurt me, but she'd only ever seen me as a friend and nothing more. The friendship pretty much died at that time - she said we should go back to only seeing each other with other friends so I didn't get the wrong idea, and I became very bitter and decided to stop seeing her at all.
>>16506189
So I handled the 'break-up' very badly, and basically just became socially isolated and depressed. It got me thinking: were we really 'just friends' (or just friends with benefits) and I just thought we were more because I've never had that sort of close friendship before? Should I be closer to my platonic friends, or is it right that those things are reserved just for romantic interests?
I don't think it's a matter of being closer or distant with certain relationships, but a matter of communication. You should have clearly communicated you romantic feelings and that you wanted exclusivity.
Communicate better with your freinds. What you were was a freind who she slept with sometimes. That may be werid to you, but sex isn't a big deal to some people. Until you ask her you should have no expectation's of what it is, for all you know she is dating already and they are poly. No one can read minds, your assumption was just as wrong as hers and just as foolish. You need to talk about your relationship, when things escalate. What that event (usally sex)meant and what your relationship is moving forward is vital to know to avoid confusion and people getting hurt/drama. This wasn't her doing something bad or her doing something okay, it was you both failing to communicate.
>>16506235
>>16506286
Don't you think her actions suggested something more than friends though? I mean, obviously I'm familiar with friends with benefits and have nothing against that situation, but it seemed like we did exactly the same things as couples did and the only difference is we didn't say we were in a relationship. But obviously she didn't see it that way, which is why I got so confused.
>>16506186
Basic gist: through thick and thin you're there for eachother. Add sex and romance (duh!) and the friend is now a romantic partner.
>>16506815
so either talk about it (might come of as trying to force the issue) or take things at face value. (what i should have done in that same situation)
>>16506815
That's why you have to talk about it. Relationships are all about communication.
>>16506189
>Sexual activities, mutual affection for each other
You were in a relationship
>>16507146
literally everything is a relationship.
A similar thing happened to me too albeit in a much shorter span of time. I handled her in a way that I could only handle my girlfriend so it came to a surprise to me too that I found out she didn't seem that way. The way I see, just treat your friends like how you would treat them and treat your romantic partner in a way that you would only treat her.
>>16506866
That's pretty much what I thought we had though, depending on how you'd define romance. It wasn't just about sex anyway.
>>16507022
>>16507064
I don't know if talking about it earlier would have helped things to escalate, or just made it end quicker. She said she never had those sorts of feelings for me, and her actions sort of confirm that. In the 2 years that have passed she never tried to get things going between us again, although she did try and stay in touch as 'just friends'.
>>16507146
I used to think that genuine friendship + sexual attraction = relationship, but now I'm not sure. Was the affection she felt for me the same as what I felt for her? I doubt it.
I was never in a relationship with her, but at the same time I think it makes sense for me to think of her as my ex.
>>16507632
>I don't know if talking about it earlier would have helped things to escalate, or just made it end quicker
That's why you do it, it can go either way. You communicate to see if you're compatible or not. "Be my girlfriend" "yes, I'd love to!" And then you are on the same page and happy. "Be my girlfriend." "No I don't feel the same way." Then you can move on without so much confusion and heartbreak as you had.
She probably saw it as a casual non-exclusive relationship. And you saw it as more of a serious exclusive one.
