I'm conflicted /adv/, and quite depressed to boot.
I've found it impossible for me to sit here and make a complex post about this, so I'm going to try and explain plainly.
I know I have the potential to go out and participate in society and make a lot of money with a decent career and family with my fiance etc, etc. At the same time, I feel like this life isn't for me and that no matter what I really do everything will be meaningless and there's just really no point. It's a very existential/nihilistic point of view that has swelled to a tumor of magnificent proportion inside my mind, and it's preventing me from making any kind of life for my self in the world I live in, the reality I try to so desperately escape on a minute to minute basis.
I can explain further if anyone wishes to help or give some advice. The counselors I have tried to talk to all seems clueless as to what they should tell me outside of getting on meds or being hospitalized (both of which have done me little good), I have burned all bridges will all the friends I once had and I cannot afford to hurt my family or fiance with the disgusting and repulsive thoughts stored away in my mind (nor the insanely sickening actions I have taken in the grasp of my depressed state). I have no one to talk to and even if it's for 15 minutes on here it tends to help at least a little.
>inb4 you can't expect to fix your problems in 15 minutes
>inb4 why are you posting this if you aren't willing to have a 5 hour convo
>ibb4 /adv/ shits on me again
tl;dr - I know I can assign myself some sort of intrinsic purpose and go out and wrap the world around my finger with a lasso, but is it really worth the effort? Won't I always be depressed? I want to die.
>>17353360
A few things.
as for 'wont i always be depressed' the real question you need to ask yourself is 'do i always want to be depressed?'
and that can mean two different things.
1) do you actually enjoy being depressed because its the only way your life has any meaning, and thats the real issue here
OR
2) you know you are capable of achieving things. with certain things may come happiness. but do you want to sit here and guarantee depression simply because the other way is unknown.
ultimately you dont know if you will be happy if you go out and achieve something. im not saying you have to have a wife and kids and good job, there are other routes to happiness and achievement other than that. but life is like a game. you have to play to win.
if you dont play, you never win, and in the analogy here you are stuck being depressed.
at least if you play, you take the chance to find happiness.
one thing to think about is that life isn't like a movie. there isn't a climax to your life where everyone lives happily ever after and you enjoy the simple things.
life is much more like a TV show, the kind that never seems to end. there are many many many many many many many many little journeys that make up the path you are. the little ones build into big ones. you have your victories, you celebrate. you have your hard times, you buckle down. you grow, you learn, and each year it feels like you're experiencing a new high moment, a constant escalation, a finale, and yet next year it starts again.
there will always be struggle. but you can always have fun along the way.
>>17353360
>- I know I can assign myself some sort of intrinsic purpose and go out and wrap the world around my finger with a lasso,
Do you really know that, though? You've said a couple of times that it would be easy for you to get a great job/acquire wealth, etc., but in your current state (suicidal ideation, obsessed with meaninglessness) you obviously can't do that.
In my experience, inertia like yours is often driven by deep-seated fear--perhaps a fear of failure, a fear of actually not being able to succeed as easily as you say you could. Of course, these negative feelings can be exacerbated by depression.
>but is it really worth the effort?
Probably. But you'll never know without making the effort.
>Won't I always be depressed?
Maybe. But depression is usually manageable, and the meds you say counselors have suggested (along with more counseling) are probably a good place to start. I've been dealing with a depression that is sometimes nearly immobilizing--nearly as disabling as what you're dealing with now--for years. But I have many more good days now than I once did.
>I want to die.
I hope you are just being melodramatic when you say that. You say you don't want to hurt your family or fiancée (I don't know what you mean by 'can't afford to'). You have no idea how much more pain and injury your death would cause than whatever trouble you've put them through already.
I say this as someone who has both contemplated suicide and lost someone dear to me to suicide. I wish every day that I still had the terrifying, infuriating, exhausting junkie in my life rather than her absence. She was sometimes truly awful and sometimes I felt I hated her. But not having her hurts much more.
>>17353390
Really great advice anon, thank you. I had written a long response and misclicked some keys and now it's gone.
>>17353405
Not trying to be inflammatory, but this is the kind of stuff counselors and some others have tried to tell me. It doesn't really click. Yes I really know that it would be easy to be successful (obviously not in my current state, it would require great effort/sacrifice of time and entertainment), I just don't feel like it's worth attaining as I feel like being "successful" anymore means doing a lot of things I just really don't give a shit about. However, I feel like I would need to sculpt myself into someone who could function in society and be financially independent in order to be anywhere near comfortable with continuing to live. My real question is, how do I care about society/money/self-improvement enough to become financially stable/independent while I am this depressed and far gone from reality?
The last part of your post is useless, honestly. I feel like dying is honestly the easiest way out of this and to deny that fact would be to lie to myself. I could kill myself right now and not even be aware that it happened. I would become nothing. All the mundane and irrelevant drama people like to bitch about would become absolutely meaningless. It's quite intoxicating to think about, it's truly one of life's greatest unanswered questions, what does happen when I die? It would mean one thing for certain, peace of mind. I didn't post here to be melodramatic.
To imply I'm being melodramatic is kind of silly, and honestly shows your disconnection from my situation. I appreciate your attempted help though.
