I don't love my parents.
I was raised by a single mother who was always busy, I spend most of my childhood watching tv until I discovered books, my mother almost never spoke to me and when she did it usually was some religious moral shit, I don't think I have a single photo of my childhood where I'm smiling.
After moving out of my mother's house to go to college she seemed to recent the lost time and started trying to get more into touch with me but by that time I was already fed up with her and I realized that almost anything she said or did bothered me, it doesn't help that I became an atheist and she keeps insisting on trying to force me back into religion despite clearly stating that that is the one thing that I hate the most (I always leave the room silently when religion comes up).
My father on the other hand was always absent, tough it seems he gave money to my mother but I never directly asked either of them, he also rarely visited me but I remember I used to really feel happy when he did until eventually I stoped giving a shit about him. I once went to visit him to ask him for advice on how to overcome my shyness towards woman, he seeme to think that I was confesing being gay so I had to explain twice what I meant. In the end I didn't got closer to my father, got no advice at all and the one thing that I got from that visit is that going to him for advice was futile so I decided never to do it again.
Now, I know that despite being shitty parents they did the best they could and they honestly love me, but I can't love them back, it doesn't help that they usually speak negatively of me but only between them, never directly to me.
I'm afraid that when they die I will regret not trying harder at knowing them better, but being near them instantly drains all of my energy and regret even trying.
I just wanted to share that, but any form of advice would be appreciated.
People are just people. Nobody is "just a mom" or "just a dad." Everyone out there is living their own adventure, with their own highs and lows, successes and failures, and as a bystander you only witness a part of it. Very often parents try to protect kids from their own mistakes by being overbearing or micro parenting every decision the child takes. Other times parents focus on providing for the child in material ways and forget to be there emotionally because nobody showed them how to do it. Parenting was only one aspect of who they were back then.
My advice to you would be that now you are all adults, and you sustain yourself independently, give yourself a chance to get to know your parents as people, as individual, not just as mom and dad with the baggage those titles come with.
Clean slate. Invite your mom out to dinner and your dad out for a drink, and just talk to them. Talk to them like you would a potential friend, and see where things go.
>>17345930
Yeah... that is not really possible, I moved far away from my natal city last year due to a lot of reasons, my parents being just another one.
I don't really know my father, but I know my mother enough to know that, honestly, I don't really like the way she handled her life, I've come up with ideas of how different her life would be if I hadn't been born and I think that it wouldn't be much different, same for my father.
As an aditional note my mother is coming over to visit me next week and I can already see her critizicim basically everyting and being all sad because I'm so far away and asking me to come back home and telling me how much she and my grandmother and my dog miss me.
>>17345922
My advice?
You owe them nothing, so don't even bother trying to forcedly like/love them. Leave it be and cut/reduce your contact to them as you see fit.
I don't care if the so much "loved you" and so much "tried their best". If they truly did their job as a parent, you'd not feel like you do now.
On the other side though, no matter what you choose to do, even if you hated them and told them to die a horrible death, it is their duty to always love and forgive you. It is their fucking duty. This is what it means to be a parent. You put them into this world, you deal with the consequences and keep loving your offspring no matter what.
Chances are in a few years you'll be able to forgive them anyways and keep friendly but kinda distant contact anyways. Just don't hope to be really close to them one day ever. This'll spare you a lot of hurt on the way.
This is coming from a parent of three. I had a psychopath dad and rarely present overworked mom myself.
