I've been casually dating a woman for about 8 months and we both laughed at the idea of monogamy and relationships in the beginning.
Over the 8 months we were essentially boyfriend and girlfriend without the official title and exclusivity. I did not want to commit as I felt I'm not emotionally available even though I deeply care about her.
Long story short, I was drunk at a bar with mutual friends (she was not there)... and did a line of ecstasy. She shows up completely sober and I leave the bar with her to hang out with her other friends downtown... on the way she confronts me about a name in my phone in a jealous way.
I don't know what happened but I then told her I wanted to be exclusive and that I want her to be my girlfriend and that we will get a place together and rings....
Obviously the reality set in the next morning.. I tried to explain to her that despite what I said yesterday, I was extremely drunk and that I do not feel like I'm ready for a relationship... (Part 1)
(Part 2)
And that being a relationship has made everything between me and her feel different in a way..more serious and that I'm afraid it will affect us and cause us to eventually break apart and never speak again.. just like my previous relationships.
She argued against me and finally gave me the ultimatum saying either we continue in a relationship or we can no longer casually date..
I told her that I did not want her to hate me and that I'm sorry..
She was distant and didnt talk to me despite being in the same car. She eventually asked me what I wanted from her and asked why I told her those things..
I eventually admitted to the ecstasy and told her that those feelings are real but I'm not ready for it and the timing is off. And once again I'm scared it will break us apart.
Next day - we are hanging out and eventually seems to be normal but before we depart from each other, she makes a phone call and tells that person that she's leaving her "boyfriends".
So, after all of this, she is under the impression we are official.
It's easier said than done but I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt her and I want her in my life. I fucked up bad and it really sucks.
She means a lot to me and it would break me to see her leave my life completely.
>>17340978
Context - Leaving her "boyfriend's place" to see that person.
Me being the "boyfriend"
Can you go into more detail about why you don't want to be in a relationship? Is it only you, or something about her?
>>17340987
I like the freedom of being single - I can have sex with other people, I'm not obligated to go to social events, I don't have to explain myself - and I just got out of a relationship about almost a year ago and it feels like I have no pressure on my back.
She is older than me but I love that. But she is more established than me at the moment because my company went under, so I'm in the process of looking for another job, purchasing a new car, and finding a new place.
She made it clear that she had feelings for me but after this, she established that she has very deep feelings.
Wtf are you doing, you have intense feelings for this woman but are letting your cold feet and anxiety get in the way. If you continue down this path only pain will find you. Do you want to lose her forever? She wont put up with your issues forever and you will lose her.
Think about this long and hard, do you want to spend your life with this person, or do you want to spend it alone with all your freedom?
It sounds to me like your desire to stay uncommitted isn't going to change anytime soon. Unfortunately, it seems like she wants it now, and that's unlikely to just go away. I'm sorry to say that it's probably best you break it off now, because there's no way you can compromise and both be happy when you have opposite needs. The earlier you end it, the less time it will take to heal and the more likely she is to remain your friend.
>>17341022
This is shit advice. Not everyone is in a good place to be in a committed relationship, and trying to ignore that and do it anyway only hurts both partners. If OP isn't ready to commit, he shouldn't waste her time.
Stop being a pussy. Problem solved.
>>17340959
Welcome to the real world where your own personal "rationality" about how mongamy is just, like, so dummmmb and outmoded maaaaaan is nothing but a speck compared to reality of human emotion, biological urges, and culture.
Have fun being miserable and awkward and widely perceived as a weird dumbass.
>>17341041
>>17341022
hard disagree.
OP, feelings, even intense feellings, doesnt have to mean commitment. those deep feelings can dry up fast once you lsoe your freedom.
half of what makes a relationship work is how comfortable you are with the arrangement. take that away and then how much do you REALLY like her?
if shes laughing at monagamy consider dating but still banging but to be honest im like you OP. i dont want to have to say where i am oi rwhere im going. i want to just be able to run outside and play pokemon go or go get laid or eat whatever i want without making sure they dont conflict with my girls plans or dinner plans or whatever
You are no longer on the same page. She wants the full package and you don't. Either you cut her loose and accept that you will lose her to another man, or you commit to her.
There's no in between. Even if you don't fuck, you can't expect her to have a serious shot at a relationship if she's friends with her ex who still has feelings for her (possibly mutual). There is no way you can forcibly reframe this as a friendship.
What you want is to have everything 100% your way. You want to be able to fuck her and have her in your life, basically put on hold until you are ready to make the next step. That is not realistic. She is a person with feelings and needs as pressing as yours, you can't expect her to linger around for indefinite time hoping that you're still decided on her when you have decided that you're ready. You have found out now that a dealbreaker has come up and you will likely split. It sucks but such is life.
>>17340959
Good relationships don't start with ultimatums anon, even if you deeply care about her she sounds like she will do whatever to get what she wants. She knew what she was in for with you and went along with it for 8 months and then got jealous over some girl on your phone? Doesn't sound good.
Even though you don't want to lose her, in a way you already have.
>>17341188
A romance relationship is not a business contract. Your feelings are bound to evolve and you cannot agree that they will not evolve x way. Obviously she had been playing along for a while but OP's confession and the following disappointment made it impossible to hide her real feelings, as she shouldn't.
OP isn't exactly being flexible here either.
>>17341195
I have no problem with people's feelings change, that;s expected; I do take issue with the fact that her first expressions of those feelings was jealousy and manipulation.
>>17341199
It's not ideal but love doesn't bring just the best out in people. I don't think it's that weird to struggle with jealousy when you want to be exclusive with someone who won't make that commitment. Which doesn't mean it was the perfect response or provoked by OP either, though.
To me what stands out as weirdest is that she called him her boyfriend to someone else. That just reeks of hard denial. But if she wants to be with OP in a real relationship, telling him that she wants either that or she wants to break it off just seems like the reasonable thing to do to me. And no less rigid than OP telling her "no I want you absolutely in my life at all costs, but exactly in this specific way that I can deal with".
>>17341220
This.
OP, just tell her and get it over with. You will hurt her more if you stay in a relationship you don't want to be in.
>ecstasy/alcohol induced confessions
Where is OP?
