Hello /adv/ I'm looking for advice about my current situation. It will be a long greentext (posted it on another board but this seems the right place).
My GF hates me.
> meet a friend a couple years ago (she's way minor than me, ~10 years difference)
> never wanted to do anything with her for real, just met her online (she's from another country) and became good friends althougt she wanted to be my gf
> dropped her, just too young (too young)
> fast forward ~3 years we still talk and are good friends
> I meed my gf, some months later she meets this girl
> they become friends, good friends
> they even pass more time together than me and my gf in one moment of time, playing games and stuff
> fast forward ~1 year
> my gf, this girl and a mutual friend (somebody they know and I dont) are playing online
> this guy starts raging and flaming my gf (I wasn't present for this)
> this girl doesn't say anything and my gf starts to freak out and rage
> she feels betrayed, she expected this girl to do something to stop the guy for flaming her
> this girl doensn't do anything, my gf leaves the game and the girl + the flaming guy were still playing together
> days, weeks pass as the girl doesn't speak to my gf and still plays with the flaming guy
> my gf is heartbroken, she feels betrayed for trusting this girl and she doing nothing about that situation
> she decides to 'disconnect' from her, unfriends her from everywhere and so on
> I do it also, supporting her decision
> Couple months passed
> My gf talks with me about the subject
> she tells me that is missing her but its still in pain for that betrayal
> I advice her to get both together and talk to get things straight
> she tells me is not ready and that is not her duty since she was the affected part
> some days later this girls start IMing me
> she tells she was afraid of everything then and didn't knew how to react
> I trusted that since she's very young and might not be able to know how to react to problems like that...
> told me she wants to be friends with me and with my gf again
> good thing for me to hear since I always wanted the good for my gf
> I would be recovering and old friend also...
> so I tell her it's okay and tell her what my gf told me some days ago
> she's still afraid of how can she react (my gf haves a hell of a character)
> tell her to take her time
> I'm okay with this girl , it was my friend after all and since the problem with my gf I didin't tell her anything
> I assume it's okay to retake our friendship
> days pass and this girl talks to my gf, she says she's sorry and explains the situation to her
> her accepts to be friends again but saying "it will be hard to regain my trust, you'll have to earn it"
> we both add this girl as a friend
> this girl starts talking to me regularly, I just asnwer them friendly 'as usual'
> just being nice to her even advicing her for some doubts she had about her life
> I assumed this girl were talking to my gf as well as she did with me
> one day, one fucking day my gf gets my phone and starts reading my IMs while I was asleep
> I wake up just when she was getting ready to get out home
> She looks very mad, VERY MAD
> I look at my phone and see she was looking at my IMs
> Ask her about that and she starts freaking out VERY BAD
> She basically tells I'm a traitor that was talking to this girl like nothing happened when she clearly told the girl it would be difficult to regain her trust
> Im completely lost, didn't know what I did wrong
> Apparently this girl never ever talked back with my gf, only me, and I was in the illusion everything went back to normal between my gf and the girl
> basically makes me feel like a complete shit for betraying her (in her words)
> feelsbadman.png
> She tells me it will be almost impossible to regain her trust and my relationship with her is almost over
> Unfriend and block this girl from now on, no single message was told to her from me at this time
> Days pass and things start going somewhat good, we start hanging out again and smile and so
> One day, my gf decided to leave a message to this girl, asking her about what happened to me
> this girl, this fucking girl tells my gf she only started talking both because she wanted to be MY FRIEND AGAIN, "I consider *anon* as a father to me so it was important for me to keep him as a friend"
> gf starts raging very bad, I was working and unable to do anything at that moment
>started to IM me insulting me and a lot of painful stuff...
> I was petrified and with my mind wiped out
> feel tricked by this girl and got a big problem from my gf for this
> my gf wont hear me, she says "I don't believe in you anymore, I only believe in what I see, and that girl only wanted you and you did nothing about that"
> I REALLY DID NOTHING ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS TRICKING ME ALSO
> but there is no way to get my gf to understand this
> days pass, she's in terrible pain, barely speaks to me and periodically changes mood just to tell me how much of a traitor I am and how much she hates me and this girl
> gf's mom birthday is approaching, my gf and her sister are planning a party for her mom
> things were going somewhat well, we started kissing again and hanging on
> although she tells me "dont think that because im nice to you this problem is solved, you didn't gave me any solution"
> try to get along with it, apparently for me, being a nice person and showing how valuable she is for me would be kinda solution
> getting back into road, her mom's birthday was incoming and she was short of cash
> give her some, even tho is somewhat out of my budget for this mont (we both share an appartment, I pay for everything, even for the shared credit card line we have)
> party goes well, she feels a little bit stressed cause she was fighting with her sister for some details and she was feeling the pressure for everything to come well
> during the party, one of her uncles (drunk btw) starts a discussion with her, he took her arm (while I wasn't watching) somewhat rough and she didn't liked it
> I only witness the final part, when both were speaking loudly (also because there was a lot of noise bc the music) and she gets mad at him
> Assume this wasn't anything serious and decide not to ask her anything just to wait until things get calm
> I was partially drunk also and wanted to get out, she sits at my side with a very bad face
> I dont say anything and some seconds later she starts going out
> I start following her to the exit, trying to get her attention touching her arm
> completely ignores me and keeps walking to the exit
> Outside the party I'm still asking what was happening
> She starts screaming that It was obvious what happened
> Puzzled look again, I didn't understand anything
> She starts screaming I was a traitor and a shit and so on while entering her moms house (it was near the party room)
> I start freaking out bc I didn't knew what happened at that point and why she was screaing that things to me
> I try to apologize as better as I can
> She doesn't stop crying
> Falls asleep when I was talking to her
> A day passes, next night we talk
> She tells how shitty I am and the same thing all over again
> Tells she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, that I'm a monster
> Tells she will never ever ask me for a single penny ever again in her entire life so I wont remind her for it again
> "We now have worse problems than the ones of 'this girl' and you didnt came up with a solution yet"
> "What should I do to solve this, what do you want?"
> "I dont know and if I knew, I wont tell you shit bc its your fault and you have to solve this"
> "Im doing as much as I can and you don't seem to be satisfied by it"
> "It's not enough, get out of my room and come back when you have a solution for this"
> A day passes, we're at work (we work together, different sub-areas of the same area in the company)
> Lunch together and get out to buy some dessert at starbucks (I paid for it, sorry if I sound like a douche, but this is important for the future)
> she starts telling me she is short of cash for her nutritionist payment of this month
> I offer her the money to pay for it without asking for anything back AS IT ALWAYS HAVE BEEN
> "I dont want shit for you, why? because you'll remind me for it like you did that night?"
> herewegoagain.avi
> Start telling her I wont remind her about anything and that I'm giving here my help with the best of intentions
> "I have no guarantees that you wont be me telling that shit you told me those night again for this"
> Tell her I never asked her to give any money or material things back and I never will
> I don't trust you anymore, and anything you say ever again
> I start stressing out again
> "Here, look, I don't have a way to guarantee anything, and you don't trust me either... Please accept my help I'm trying to help you for good!"
> Arguing her wont be able to trust me again and don't want any of my money
> Somewhat angry, I reply: "I'm not asking you for anything in exchange, see that starbucks dessert you bought, am I asking you for that money?"
> Her head turns 90 degrees to look at me in shock and anger at the same time
> Starts walking faster and speaking loudly how a shitty person I am for reminding her of my money and I should die.
> I lost my sense of shame long ago...
> Get back to work and ask my boss to take the rest of the day, btw I was somewhat sick with a sore throat
> Didn't talk to her and sleep all day
> Today
> She seems 'nomal' IMing me about something on the news, I answer her and she changes her mood (it' very notable when she does that)
> I dont talk to her in the rest of the day
> I took today from work as well, don't feel that sick of my throat but now of my mind...
> She came half an hour ago, while I was writing this
> Only opened my room's door and saw me for a couple seconds, left and nothing else
> She IMd me something about some friend of her wanting a freelance programmer (I'm one of these)
> Thanked her and nothing else
> I'm 26, she turns 24 this saturday
> This girl is 15
> We both live together since last year
> Now we sleep in separate rooms
> We are 4 years into the relationship, we had another one 2 years apart from this one, it's another looong story if you want to hear, since them she didn't trusted me that much but we bot were overall happy with that
A little bit of context from the first period of our relation, 6+ years ago
> I was going out of a ver strong breakup (basically that gf fucked my biological brother, they're still together and I still hate both)
> I knew her from university, we both started studying the same career
> Started a relationship but my mind was in another place all the time, I didn't got over my ex and my brother
> Finished ignoring her completely and broke her hearth, she even got out the country
> When she was away, I talked about her
> I talked 'shit' about her, It was all in MSN Messenger IMs with a now ex-friend
> Got together again after 2 years
> Some day she discovered that convos, huge shitstorm ensued
The girl that fucked my brother is a different person, they are still together until this very day, that couple fuckers. I got over it, my family is somewhat crazy, they approved that. And I hate them, althought they constantly support me enconomically and some other things...
Yes, this is the bad side of the story, there's plenty of good side also.
She's very lovely when not freaking out, she's the most serviceable (if that means what I think it means) person I know, there was a time I literally had her as a housemaid (when she didnt had a job and lived with me). Had sex regularly, got some little but meaningful presents. She even got in some trouble with her family when she came to live with me, you know, she came without giving her parents a notice for it (it's a cultural thing in my country, formally you go and 'ask for her' to her parents). Everything went bad when she started to play that damned game. She insists it's not the game but I always see her rage a lot when she loses or somebody flames her. She's very insecure for a physical persistent problem she has, and that might be the root of her personality problems, she has lost many friends for this.
Sorry if my english is not that polished, it's not my first language
Bump. is anybody reading this? :(
>>17336396
TLDR
>>17336403
Sorry, it's too complex for me to explain in a few words :'( I don't even know if I'm explaining it properly or if any detail is missing and making my story biased towards anybody
I ain't reading all this shit.
>>17336396
Didn't read the entire thing, tldr but from what I did read it just seems like maybe you should come back when you're 18 since you both seem mentally stunted.
Read everything, might as well do the tl;dr
>OP has a stable girlfriend
>OP pays all the expenses of the couple
>OP also has a loli friend from internet
>loli and gf become good friends
>loli doesn't defend gf when they are playing online with a raging dude
>gf feels "betrayed" and cuts all contact with loli and so does OP
>gf wants to become friend with loli again
>loli says she wants too but actually just talks to OP
>gf discovers it and feels "betrayed" again
>gf says OP has to work to regain her trust
>OP doesn't react when he sees uncle of gf holding her by the arm and talking loudly at a family reunion
>apparently something was wrong
>gf feels "betrayed" again, tells OP it will be difficult to make it work
>OP says he's doing a lot by paying for everything
>gf thinks he's asking for money back and feels "betrayed"again
>now they sleep in separate rooms (they live and work together and OP pays for the rent)
>OP is asking wat do
Dump this ungrateful and overreacting entitled cunt
>>17336364
She looks mean. Either you dump her, or you prepare to be a pushover for the rest of your life. You were trying to help and she rejected it so don't fret.
>>17336463
>Dump this ungrateful and overreacting entitled cunt
This. If she isn't cute or rich she ain't worth the baggage
>>17336463
Woah that's a nice summary, thank you so much! Just to clarify one thing: gf feels "humiliated" by me when I remind her of the material things I give to her since she was unable to find a job all this time and can't for afford 'her needs'.
Now she's is saying "you're such an hypocrite, dont ever give me anything again" whenever I offer her something (ie today I asked her if she got lunch and offered to buy her something to drink).
A couple hours later she gives me some link to a colorblind-correcting glasses telling me "maybe this helps you" (I'm colorblind obv). 'm confused and in pain ;_;
>>17336478
>>17336484
I'm gathering courage to dump her. Tomorrow is her bday, I prepared a song cover for her, a figure of her favorite game character and a call for it's voice actor. I sincerely don't know how she would react give the last incidents...
>>17336493
Just take as long as you need to prepare for the single life (should take about 30 seconds) and then
DUMP HER
U
M
P
H
E
REH PUMD
Anon, a fresh advice:
Your gf is not a keeper. Let her go. Look, is making a lot of drama out of nothing; teenager's problems.
I think she's only with you because you pay for everything.
Got this friend whom had a gf like yours. They break up and then they come back, the gf make drama and break up again, come back and the cycle repeats for like... X5. It's not healthy. Talk to her and ask what she wants, either way tell her to calm the fuck down because a person like her are just too much demanding emotionally speaking. You will end up too hurt.
Try to talk to her. But I mean an adult/civilizated conversation. If that doesn't work, run as fast as you can.
>>17336514
Thanks, althought is very difficult to speak with her without ending yelling at this point, I'll try. We already broke up like 3 or 4 times, once per year ironically...
You sound like a really awesome and selfless guy anon.Don't let this childish bitch fuck with you like this.
Someone as nice and caring as you could easily find another girl that is like all of the positives you described this Hellion with without the negatives.
>>17336545
Fucking this. This nigga is right.
>>17336545
>>17336554
Thank you guys, really appreciate your words. Everytime somebody says something nice about me I start thinking you havent got the whole history and that I must have something bad you didnt realized, I'm very paranoid and insecure about myself as how I treat others since only thing I heard about the person I care the most is just painful ;_;
>>17336569
Well staying with your girlfriend is only going to reinforce that insecurity, and make it harder to accept yourself. Assuming that this story isn't biased your GF is really only making you unhappy for no reason.
>>17336583
I think this is a somewhat exaggerated 'revenge' for what happened in our first relationship and the 'convos' incident. She always brought back those issues whenever we had a deep discussion.
>>17336588
Sounds like she's just an entitled bitch who wants you to make her feel special, even though you already take care of her and she doesn't deserve it.
I read it all. She is a fucking child op, she gets mad and blames everyone when she doesn't get her way. She plays the guilt game when she doesn't get what she wants. She is only with you for the free shit. It'll hurt, but you need to dump her and kick her out. You have the same jobs but she pays for nothing. She is selfish and whines a lot. SHE LOOKS AT YOUR PRIVATE SHIT. This is not ok. OP, just end it on her birthday as a last "don't be a bitch" gift.
>>17336600
Thanks for your words, anon.
I think that if I do anything do anything cruel with her I would just be playing part in her game. Don't you think is better to stay being neutral/cool until the last day?
>>17336621
Well, don't be an ass with her because she will have to live a bit with you before finding a new place and she works with you
However
Be decisive and resolute, if she asks for explanation tell her that you feel the relationship is only one way.
Don't lose your cool, ever.
Not the Anon you were replying to btw
>>17336621
>>17336621
Just act normal, take her apartment key when she's not around, and when she leaves somewhere, put her shit in the hall and leave an envelope with a goodbye letter explaining how she treated you with some money to help one last time. It's the nicest you can do without her stealing your shit and locking you out of your own home you pay for.
>>17336654
Very rude in my opinion but still a valid way, thanks for your advice anon!
>>17336678
There is no nice way to break up with her. If you do it easy, she will just take all she can can get before leaving. If you let her stay with you to help find a new place, she'll just not pay for anything and take more. Have her stay at a relative's place if she needs help.
>>17336678
Whatever you do don't let her talk you back
Don't fall for a guilt trip
Be brave, you'll come out stronger from this
>>17336364
Hi OP, here's some other opinions coming from a femnon who read everything as painful as it was.
It's important for you to understand the kind of emotional leech that she has become out of her insecurities. Not only blaming everyone else and guilt tripping you constantly, but also taking advantage of your money. Please realize that if she were able to be on her own, she would have broken up with you already.
I understand that you don't want to break things off, but you are coddling her too much. I can tell that you also have your own problems and insecurities, but it seems that she isn't doing a good job at helping with them, just as you aren't able to help with hers. It's not your fault and it's not hers- both of your insecurities just aren't compatible with eachother. It is why you are both so frustrated- you want to solve this problem but you simple can't no matter how hard you try. There's nothing else to it. The past won't change and the fact that you can't understand eachother won't change.
In a healthy relationship, it doesn't matter whether both partners understand eachother or not, they still achieve balance and do not let these affect their trust for eachother. However, it seems obvious that she has already lost her trust in you- she has told you so many times, you need to accept it. You may love eachother, but you simply aren't good or healthy for one another now. It's not your fault, and it's not hers either as I can understand that people with trust issues simply cannot control their emotions most of the time.
Wat do: it seems that you need to reassure her that although you love her and cherish her, you simply aren't at a healthy stage. You need a break from all this drama and emotional draining; it's simply going to cause you too much pain and depression. You need to ask her for balance- this includes finances. You need to gradually have her pay for her share of rent and bills, even if you can't manage to break it off yet
>>17336708
Thank you for your words, dear anon. Maybe I'm kinda afraid of how many effort would take to rebuild everything that is being destroyed from scratch. But apparently this the most sane way to avoid more pain.
>>17336709
I surely will.I'm even tired now of all of her words. They all carry hate now. She don't want to interact with me at all. I asked if she would go lunch with out workmates (we always go lunch to celebrate birthdays) and tells me she don't want anything at all.
Work would be very difficult also. I directly recommended her in my company and that's how she got the job, everybody knows she's my gf and it will be very awkward when the bomb drops...
>>17336965
Thanks for taking the time to read and give me advice. This helps me confirm some things I've been thinking about this situation.
My mind is in a 'gray' state. I don't know what to say without being (or feeling) attacked by her. She literally sees me as 'an enemy' by their literal words.
Something that saddens me a lot is that we have cats. She rescued 5 cats (mom + 4 kittens) and brought them home, we gave 3 kittens in adoption and now have the mommy and one child living with us (we have them 9 months already). We're both attached with them (especially her, she's very affective towards animals) and asked me what we will do with them once we break up.
[spoiler]are you filipino, OP?[/spoiler]
>>17337533
Do I seem like one? lol I'm from south america.
>>17337529
The cats should go to the person who will has the money, the most time to give and a home.
Theyre cats for Christ's sake. Stop making excuses so you won't have to break up with her. She sees you as a doormat. You're even too afraid to confront her so you actually are a doormat. Be grateful you dont have kids with this girl. Leave her while you still can.
>>17337920
Thanks for you words, anon. In fact yes, I conceive what of a shit this problem would have been with kids involved.
Thanks for all your words guys, I'll try to break up in the most sane and civilized way and start all over again. ;_;
You can do a million times better OP. Dump her and move on. She acts like a 12 year old spoiled brat.
>>17338806
Thanks for your support, anon. Didn't realized there are lots of posters in this thread!
Your gf kinda sounds like my ex, who was violent and suicidal on top of the trust issues, drama bullshit and leeching. Dump the bitch like I did five weeks ago. It feels fucking great, like a tumor has been removed off my back. Good luck OP
>>17339275
Thanks, bro. It's good to know there's more people who had overcome things like this.
Update: at 00:00 of her birthday, I gave her the figure and sang her the song. She even applauded. Maybe she was waiting for something else like a hug or a kiss, I noted that in her face when I told her "that is all I have for you by now". Went to my room to do my business and an hour later approx (right now) she came and left the present in my room's table saying "thanks, but I don't need your gift". I asked why and she left without saying a word. :/
Sorry if I write that much, I really never told any of this to anybody and this serves me as a relief therapy in some way...
>>17339398
Holy shit. Yeah OP that's the go ahead to cut ties. I'm actually mad for you.
>>17339398 she came and left the present in my room's table saying "thanks, but I don't need your gift".
Your girlfriend is a piece of shit. I'm sorry.
>>17339410
I want to do this as smooth as possible. Don't want to motivate her to talk (more) shit about me when the break up occurs, mainly because I'm somewhat a known face at my job
>>17339415
When asked her about the figure, she put that "you know what you have done, you piece of shit" face. I swear that was what her face meant in that moment...
>>17339418
Call her out to lunch in a public place and let her know this isnt working out for either one of you. Then try to negotiate a clean break
>>17339427
Will have to wait till she stops with that "dont give me anything" behaviour or some other time. It's very frustrating when she even rejects a simple detail like a drink for lunch (or a bday present like today) excusing herself with the lack of trust towards me
You're allowed to have friends that your girlfriend doesn't approve of.
Your girlfriend is not only incredibly overdramatic, but also manipulative and to be honest this sounds like a somewhat abusive relationship.
>>17339443
she also thinks I've beaten her, twice, wanna hear that story?
>>17336535
>We already broke up like 3 or 4 times, once per year ironically
For fuck sake. Thread's over, people, OP is beyond help.
OP, unless you break up with her, and CUT CONTACT, you will never be able to move on. I understand you work in the same area, but when you see her or she talks to you there you need to speak to her as nothing more than a colleague, perhaps even more distant than that. Imagine she is from a different company, and when you speak to her you are representing your business.
When you break up with her, she will likely try to get back with you, she'll manipulate you like she always has done. This is a very abusive relationship, and you really need to recognise that.
>>17339453
Go on.
>>17339477
1st time:
> me and gf started arguing about something, really doesn't matter
> we end yelling at each other
> gf goes to the room and lays on bed screaming
> looks like a child having a meltdown, kicking and punching the air
> I put my hands over her chests an try to hug her just to contain her
> gf starts struggling to stand up and get out the room
> grab her from her waist with both hands
> starts struggling harder trying to escape from me
> eventually gets out but by the third law of physics, all the potential force of the struggle pushes her forward
> gf loses balance and falls into the ground, uses her arms to avoid hitting her face
> starts crying and doesnt move with her face in the ground
> I start asking her desperately "are you okay?" doesnt answer, don´t want to pick her up immediately being afraid of her reaction
> finally stands up and start saying y pushed her on purpose
> mfw
> "you have beaten me you coward, you pushed me and I fell. I'll never forget this you coward"
I swear I didn't did it on purpose. If it was the case I would have harmed her more seriously than a fuking push...
>>17339487
Can you not see from the language she uses that you're in an abusive relationship?
>>17339487
2nd time:
> same as before, started arguing and ended yelling each other
> she started walking away from me, I was mad at her attitude also
> started following her
> she went to our laundry room
> this room has an opaque plastic sliding door, she closes it, refusing to keep talking
> I get very angry and start trying to open the door
> Door doesn't have any locks, she was holding it with her hands
> I feel the resistance from her and start pulling the door hardes.
> I thought she would give up and let me open it already
> I pushed a little bit harder and she releases the door, then I hear the sound of something breaking
> She fell in sit position into the ground, hitting some baskets
> Same story as the first time, starts crying and yelling I did it on purpose
This even went further, trying to reason with her she went into another meltdown and bring a kitchen knife to threat me,not to touch her anymore. Shit was intense, I told her I would call the cops and she threw the knife into the ground...
>>17339496
I'm not denying it, it's just that I tried so hard to regain and sanitize my relationship with her that I feel like I got a lobotomy and some parts of my psyche aren't working well...
>>17339499
Im the guy who broke up five weeks ago. My ex also used knives andand shit. Get the fuck out while you still can before she cuts you or threatens to kill herself!
>>17339511
The second incident happened three months ago iirc, first one was last year, second half
>>17336488
You are being manipulated.
>>17339438
OP just fucking leave. Don't wait just break up. Do it over text if you have to. The fallout might be shitty but it'll be the beginning of the end of the shitshow. You can even frame it like your giving her what she wants. Just paint it like this benefits her more then anything.
>>17340725
Dear anon, I'm afraid I can't leave, not because I don't want to, but the appt we currently live in is mine D:
See >>17336634
>>17341138
Are you even sure you want our advice?
Stop finding excuses
In the immortal words of a famous contemporary philosopher: "Just do it""
