She is unsure of herself, has low self esteem, doesn't always get treated the best at home, and there is always family drama going on.
Some people might tell me to run but its too late for that. She is completely in love with me, she hand written me 2 letters and is always saying how much she loves me, she wouldn't change me for the world, how I make her feel safe and how my smile makes her forget all her problems etc.
However last night I told her how some random girl earllier in the day hit on me. I obviously turned her down saying 'I already have a girlfriend'. It felt good saying that you know, so I wanted to tell her, but holy shit she took that the wrong way. She barely replied to me and went to sleep. Then this morning she is saying I deserve better and someone who has more time for me (she sometimes isn't allowed at or goes to work so some days we don't see each other). I tried telling her that doesn't matter I only love you and she tells me she doesn't know what to think then left for school.
What should I do or say? I feel so useless, she hasn't done anything wrong I'm her first boyfriend and her first kiss, hell just the other night she was sending me cute pictures of herself and talking about sexual stuff. And now she's acting really cold. And basically saying how I should find a girl who can give me the time but I was just like I don't care it's only her I want. Told her to stop thinking these negative things and she says she is a negative person etc.
It's just so weird I always think the worst and think this means we will break up but I just don't see it happening because she loves me so much. I remember for example when I bought her ice cream she just wouldn't take it, at all. Because she isn't used to being treated nice like the way I treat her etc.
>>17329705
Run, she sounds like a crazy, guilt-tripping and whiny kid. The fact is, you can't repair a broken person, and she sounds like one. You kust realise that no relationship can survive when one partner constantly needs reassuring, has a pathological tendency to bring him or herself down, has zero self esteem and is daily abused at home. With time it will be too much for you to bear but by then she will become even more clingy and will rely on you too much. I think you should let her go gently because it sounds like she is not ready for a relationship yet. She needs to find her inner strength and sense of self worth first.
>>17329782
Man, I hate shit like this. It's more or less saying that broken people don't deserve love any longer, simply because shit happened and they got damaged by it.
And the assumption that somehow they'll fix their problems alone is wrong in the majority of cases, I've found.
>>17329852
Broken people deserve love, no less. However, broken people have a tendency to break other people because of who they are and how they act. And they might not do it on purpose, but, like OP's girl, they create issues and burden their partners down, to a point this person either leaves or gets broken, unless the broken person fixes his or her shit first. OP's gf doesn't even try to talk with him though, just builds more walls and goes 'I'm a negative person', like it's an excuse for being shitty and overly dramatic.
You can't help someone who doesn't want to get help, and at least from OP's post I can infere that this girl is not trying to get better.
Also
>she isn't used to being treated nice
is a huge red flag
>>17329852
Broken people make bad relationships.
Your partner isn't your therapist and isn't responsible for your happiness.
You can love someone broken, I do love two extremely broken people, but I would never have a relationship with them because they're bad partners.
They NEED to fix problems alone, because no one can save you if you don't want to be saved and you don't actively try to be saved.
>>17329859
>>17329861
Having been in the position of the broken party before, all I have to say is that sometimes the support of another is exactly what's needed to even realize you CAN be helped. It may be something obvious to a normal person, but if you're deep enough in the hole, you start fully believing you deserve all that comes to you, and really shouldn't bother fixing anything because you'll just fuck it all up.
If you reach that point, it takes either some fucking miraculous recovery, some flash of clarity that lets you know you're not a lost cause... or outside support. And miracles just don't happen.
I'm not saying the girl is definitely on that stage and won't recover. But it's a possibility.
Plus, having recovered myself solely because someone actually chose to deal with my bullshit, I can counter all the 'not worth it' with 'it can work out perfectly'. You can't generalize.
>>17329874
Isn't that selfish though, relying on other person to put up with your bullshit and wait patiently till you maybe crawl out of your hole? Mending broken people is a good hobby for folks who don't have many problems themselves, I think.
>>17329874
I have been depressed, and I know what it is like, and I owe who I am now to one friend who took care of me and dragged me out of depression.Outside support is necessary.
What I am saying is - your partner shouldn't be your therapist. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who constantly need your help, your support, your reassurance. It fucks up ALL relationships dynamics.
In a relationship you and your partners are peers. You aren't peers with someone who needs your constant help.
I am not saying she won't recover and he should let her drawn in her problems, I'm saying that he can help her getting help, but he's not the one who is responsible of her mental health.
>>17329905
This pretty much.
I once relied on someone to fix me and that person freaked out after a while.
You can't expect people to heal you without knowing you are more likely to damage them instead.
>>17329905
It would be, if it was a demand of some sort. Nowhere did I state anything to that effect, and it wasn't anything near it. They chose to deal with me. It was unexpected, and I even tried to get them to stop - see the part about believing you don't deserve help. Claiming it was some parasitic thing is twisting the meaning.
>>17329916
Of course not. But I never claimed otherwise. But telling him it literally can't work out is provably false, and while you may not have meant to say that he should just bail altogether, that certainly seemed to be the case. And the first reply definitely did, what with using the term "run". Hard to misconstrue.
>>17329919
Again, of course not. But he seems perfectly aware of the risk.
Look, I'm not telling him to stay with her no matter what. I'm simply offering a counterpoint to all the "It's not going to work out" that always pops up in those threads. Because it can - but you need to be absolutely certain you're willing to put up with someone's bullshit until they claw their way out of a pit of despair... and yes, it's best to explain that a full-out relationship isn't a good idea right now, and gently downgrade it to a friendship until the problems are solved. Whether it returns to relationship afterwards is more or less irrelevant, as she should be able to manage either way.
