I've been dating a girl for a few months now, and I don't know how to get out.
I'm 21, and this is my first relationship (sheltered upbringing, had no confidence in high school). I was hesitant to start dating this girl because she was very religious, and I wanted to get away from that lifestyle because of my upbringing. Also, I wasn't very attracted to her, but we both got along well and she seemed chill, not to mention I had been rejected every other time I tried to go for someone, so I gave it a chance. A few weeks into it, I was thinking about breaking it off just because of our sheer differences in who we are as people. However, about a month into the relationship, she told me I was "her soulmate" and "the love of her life" and started talking about marriage almost everyday. This scared me, and I wasn't looking for marrying within the next year, but I agreed to it at the time because I was scared of hurting her. No, we're not engaged, we just made plans. At first, I thought I could just accept marrying someone I wasn't crazy about because, from my inexperience, I just assumed that love isn't supposed to be as awesome as you think and this is normal. Also, I thought that I wouldn't be able to find anyone else who would want to be with me. Now, I'm 3 months in and I just don't think I'm strong enough for that.
Normally, I would just break it off and be honest about it, but this girl has serious abandonment and trust issues and depression. I'm legitimately worried that if I break up with her, she might try to kill herself. Also, my family absolutely loves her and wants us to get married, and I'm afraid my family will resent me for it.
I don't want to marry her, but I don't want to hurt her too bad. What should I do?
ps. Yes, I realize I majorly fucked up by agreeing to get married when I didn't want to and probably an asshole because of it.
>>16498332
The answer is pretty fucking obvious.
Take a guess at what you should do
>>16498332
You could try to delay, tell her you're not ready to commit to something like marriage yet. Emphasize the gravity of the decision, and how you're still planning to do so later. There are all sorts of studies showing that couples who wait longer to get married are happier and more likely to stay together, which might be worth showing her if she doesn't understand. This will buy her the time to get sick of you too, that way you can eventually break it off gently, maybe even mutually.
Disclaimer: I don't know whether this is really a good idea or not. I'm 21 too, and have never been in a situation like this. Best of luck dude.
>>16498332
If there's no ring, there's no engagement, sweetie. You're over thinking that one.
But break up with her before her feelings go farther for you and she ends up actually doing something to herself.
>>16498386
I'm afraid it's at that point where it might. I don't see her killing herself now, but I do think she might drop out of college. From then on it could get worse.
>>16498403
How do you know she's not bluffing? This is something us women do, I'm sorry....
>>16498358
The one time I tried to delay it, she guilted me all day about how I'm being selfish and how "next December is farther away then one would think" and bullshit like that.
Thanks for the advice, though. I might say something about how I'm just getting more worried about what might happen to us.
>>16498430
Because of the shit she's been through. Her dad left her when she was 5, multiple boyfriends have sexually abused her, and one boyfriend of hers died of a heroin overdose. I feel like any 19 year old girl that went through that would be unstable.
>>16498435
only delay if you're not sure if you like her. From the sound of it, you already don't like her, plus that sort of guilt tripping is a red flag. Just break up but be polite and amicable with it
>>16498442
Ah, okay. Man that's a fucked up individual. But her mental state isn't your problem, as in, you didn't do anything to directly cause any problems for her. If you did this would be different advice. As it stands, you should try to get her help and then cut ties.
>>16498457
exactly, feeling sorry for her doesn't mean you have to be stuck with someone you don't love for the rest of your life. Get her to go to a shrink but don't stay out of pity
>>16498457
>>16498466
Yeah, that sounds good. She's already seeing a counselor once a week.
Thanks. I may break up with her before break. She'll be in Florida over the break with family, so that should help her.
>>16498442
I went through this same thing with my ex. I was sure she would get worse when I broke up with her, so I let her family and friends know what I was about to do, went over and broke it off, her parents and her friends came over right after, and I left. They were gracious for the early warning. I thought they would kick my shit in but they were genuinely thankful and said I was the best man she'd ever been with and was welcome back anytime.
Let her friends/family know beforehand so they can keep and eye on her.
>>16498500
although i would advice OP be mentally prepared for the parents to shame him and try to guilt him back into the relationship, that does happen as well. It's still good advice because you're giving them time to prepare to console her, but not every parent will react graciously to you for what you say
