quick question, /adv/...
i'm pretty sure i know the answer, i'd just like to get another perspective.
so my girlfriend and i have been living together for 2 years now. we signed another year's lease, so we'd have this apartment until November 2016.. She's having some money issues due to being 26 and not having a full time job (she has 2 part time jobs that equal more or less 40 hours). At age 26 in this state, you can no longer be on your parents' health insurance. So she's afraid of money problems due to having to pay for insurance, and to add to it, we've been fighting a lot lately. not fighting about anything important, but it's still a factor.
we also don't see one another very often, mostly just weekends. she works odd hours, and i work full time (at least 40 hours a week, pretty regularly get stuck with 52) overnight and go to school for engineering (10 credits this semester). so i don't have much spare time.
So she states "maybe i should move back to my parent's place". She says she still wants to date, but just not live together. but wants to move back with her parents.
the thing is, i don't like this. I know that it's a fault of mine that when i get really hurt emotionally, i tend to get angry, and say mean stuff that i normally wouldn't. So i know that i won't handle this well. it feels like she's throwing me away. not "sticking by my side" i guess. it hurts. I was doing this to make a better life for us, and she's going to leave me alone?
continued in next post.
melodramatic, i know. but that's how i feel. i don't want to make her sad because i'll overreact because i'm hurt. ( i know this is my problem, and i'm working on it, but i don't want to take the chance of hurting her feelings).
so i'll be stuck paying for this apartment by myself. which i can do. it'll be tight financially, but i'll manage. but, i don't want to "take steps backward" so to speak. so i told her this morning when i got home that we need to talk when she gets home (in 4 hours now).
i'm going to break up with her. is this a good move? am i being too rash and quick to bail out? should we work on this? or our our schedules/lifestyles just too different to be compatible anymore?
thanks in advance.
To rash my nigga. If it hurts you so bad she wants to move back in with her parents why would you break up with her? Tell her how you feel, tell her you wish you had more time to see each other let her know you're there for her and her problems. She probably doesn't feel like she being appreciated or is holding you back. You both sound like you need to sit down and talk, addresses the problems, and try to fix them if that doesn't work then you guys should split, but don't give up on love like that if there is still something going on. Shits hard to find man as long as it isn't garbage and the feelings are mutual it's always worth a fighting chance. Don't feel like just because the waters get choppy you need to abandon ship, that only leads to drowning yourself. So talk and find the problems and fix them if possible.
>>16494111
>>16494108
You don't need to break up yet. But my question is, if you can afford rent on your money alone, how can she be concerned about paying for health insurance? If you can pay the rent and necessities, then her money is just extra income that can be spent on whatever - including health insurance. Important note about health insurance in the states. Because of the ACA (Obamacare), if you make under a certain amount you get insurance credits which makes insurance very cheap. You two probably would qualify for those credits, so it's definitely something you guys should check out. That would basically solve any issues you'd have over paying for it. THANKS OBAMA.
It sounds like she's just getting restless. In fact, I think you both are. Like the other anon said, you two need to sit down and talk about this.
Off topic: How can I learn to be a bear bender?
>>16494209
thank you for taking the time to respond to me, i really appreciate it. Thing is, we've tried to talk about it before. or at least i have. she's very passive, and won't give her opinion even if i ask for it. she feels like she'll "rock the boat". so it's really hard to communicate with her or resolve anything.
i've tried making her feel wanted, comfortable with talking about things. but it doesn't seem like anything i do is good enough. she won't open up about what's really going on. i still don't know her exact motivation for wanting to move out. she won't tell me. i know it is "a bunch of stuff". i know that us fighting, not seeing one another, and her money issue is among that "stuff".
it just sucks that she's willing to throw away our relationship because of it.
or maybe i'm the one throwing it away with my black and white thinking of "living with me or not dating". i don't know. i really don't want to take a step back like that. is that so bad?
>>16494259
she pays 300$ a month in rent. i pay the other 550$. i also pay gas, electric, water, and cable. with insurance her max monthly expenses would be (generously) around 500$ a month.
I'm a lot better with my money than she is with hers. i've offered to make her a budget before. she always declined.
so i think that the money might be an excuse, and she maybe just really wants out of the relationship? I guess the only way to know that is to talk with her. but like i said, i'm at my wits end when discussing things with her, because it's really tough to get her to say what she really feels. almost seems like it might not be worth it.
thanks for the obamacare tips, i'll tel lher about it.
as for the bear bender... you must first find your inner bear. and then control it.
>>16494277
Just be really calm and explain your side. Maybe she is so stressed about the money/insurance that you don't see her caring about the relationship anymore, or she doesn't feel like she can pull her weight. She probably feels really insecure about her position.
Like I said express your concerns but for some reason I doubt she wants to break up. I feel like she is just really insecure about her income and feels like a burden to you. 2 years is a long time to live with someone to just up and leave.
>>16494277
Poor communication is certainly a problem, and if it can't be fixed it will certainly lead to a breakup. If she knows you're on the edge of ending it then she will see that she needs to talk, and if she doesn't, well then you can just end it there.
Given the small amount of information thus far I don't think she's trying to end it, so if she realizes how much of an issue this is to you she will likely be willing to discuss it. If she is looking for a way out, then she will see that she has one and you both can move on.
In either case you need to put the cards on the table, so to speak, and make sure that she fully understands where you're at and how you feel about moving forward - or back as the case may be. Don't give her an ultimatum, it's unfair to both of you, but you can let her know that you're having doubts about the relationship is fine.
>>16494308
that's what i'm saying though. even if she doesn't want to break up... i do if she moves out.
i guess i can tell her one more time that she's not a burden to me. i'll sit down with her and tell her that i love her and that's why i started going back to school. so we can be more comfortable. i'll try and see if i can get some more insight to her actual motivations as well. I'll ask her.
i guess i just had this nice picture in my head of where we were going and she wants to change that by moving out. i don't know if i can continue this relationship if she's willing to do that to me.
does that make sense?
>>16494321
being completely honest here. i know that ultimatums are shitty, and they make people feel like they're being forced into a decision.
i don't want her to feel that way.
but if my opinion is literally "if you move out, i don't want to date you anymore. as much as it would hurt me, it's just not what i want. it's not how i saw this relationship going, and it signals to me that we both want different things out of it."...how do i make it so that's not an ultimatum?
If she's 26 and hasn't planned for this then she's money retarded and you should dump her for that.
>>16494345
By not saying that. This is going to sound somewhat passive aggressive, but what I think is that you need to tell her that you're having doubts. "I feel like we're moving backwards, and I don't think I can be in a relationship that's not going anywhere" or something. You need to express your doubts to get her to open up, then you need to probe about the topics which concern you. If she responds to the above statement receptively and decides she's ready to talk, the you can start expressing the reasons why you feel like the relationship is regressing. "We don't see each other often, you're concerned about money, and you're talking about moving out. I feel as though you're trying to separate from me, and if that's what you want we should just end the relationship." If she not receptive to the conversation, or doesn't understand that moving out is a deal breaker, the best you can do would be to explain that you don't want to force a decision onto her, or that it feels like she's hiding the real reason she wants to move out.
Save your ultimatum until the very end. Once you offer it, you're likely to lose any chance of actually understanding what's going on in her head because now she's boxed in. Ultimatums don't just suck because they're shitty, they also ruin communication. You're now imposing whatever decision you want on her. They should be avoided at all costs, but a final straw is a final straw. If you're set a line, then at some point she needs to understand that there is one.
>>16494350
You're not allowed to have an opinion on who's retarded or not.
I'll do one last bump for the night crew.
So far we got 2 that think u should wait, and one that thinks i should do it. I'd like a little more input if possible.
>>16494389
That does sound kind of passive adhesive to me, but if it's what i have to do to get her to open up to me, i guess that's what i gotta do.
Thanks everyone for your help.
I dunno man, I'm in an awful mood for interpersonal relationships atm, but I'd honestly just say fuck it and dump her. No matter how you slice it, moving out from with someone is tantamount to a breakup anyway, so you might as well just go for the gold. Anybody who wants to move out from with someone and back to their parents is only getting themselves ready for the inevitable breakup anyway, might as well be on your terms instead of hers. End it and start your healing.
>>16495276
That's kind of what i thought. Like she's "removing"me from her day to day life so it'll be easier to break up. But i guess the only way to know that is to listen to other anons and talk to her.
I guess I'll try again. She didn't make it home in time for me to talk to her last night before work. I guess that's good because it gives me another day to think.
I just don't want to over think it and pussy out if breaking up is indeed the best option for us.
