>>17328333
My friend was in a similar situation, so I'll speak in reference to what he did.

First of all, you make it clear that the both of you are best friends. There are three realistic outcomes, so you're gonna need to do a lot of cost-benefit kind of analysis for this, I would say. In short, your current situation is, you're friend with a girl, but you want to get into a romantic relationship with her. There are two choices you have, and three realistic outcomes:
* You stay friends with her, and everything is dandy. How you feel about that, I don't know, I'm not sure how bad you want this relationship and it's pretty hard to express in text so I think you're gonna need to consider it on your own. Is the possibility of having a romantic relationship with her that much greater than just staying friends with her?
* You want to establish a romantic relationship with her, but she doesn't agree. This is probably worst case, and even if you maintain a friendship, things probably won't be the same for whatever reason.
* You want to establish a romantic relationship with her, and she does agree. Obviously best case, and you win.
So, those are the possibilities, and it seriously does become an economic consideration right there. Measure the costs and benefits, and do whatever you need. I'm sure you're gonna talk more about the costs and benefits within this thread, and that's cool. Also, sorry if this was all obvious.

ah, fuck, there's a space limit on these comments? cont.

>>17328393

Anyway, here's what I would want to add, in reference to my friend. In short, he fell in love with a girl that he had been friends with, but when he made the move, she didn't agree. Now, here's where he took a very strong stance and told her "if you don't want to have a romantic relationship with me, then I don't care to talk to you". I'm not sure if you feel the same, but I think it's worth considering. He didn't completely ignore her or anything, but he no longer made the concerted effort to impress her or gain her favor, and he just moved on to find other girls. I don't know exactly how he did or didn't communicate with her, but after about a month or two, she changed her mind! I guess she did a bit of soul searching of her own, and as of now, they've been dating for something like 6 months.

So, in your situation, I really think that you need to consider how much you want to establish a romantic relationship. I don't know your situation, but I very much think that the risk in gaining a romantic relationship is much better than the safety of just having a normal friendship with somebody, especially if you have plenty of good social relationships.

Your situation seems interesting because it looks like you have other friendships and she's expendable, but you're not at all expendable to her. I don't think it's morally correct or anything to pigeonhole her into a romantic relationship if she's iffy about it, though.

>>17328393
Thanks I really do appreciate the sort of formulaic way of looking at this. Unfortunately, I think the current situation is the second one. I really do want a romantic relationship with her, and we've talked about it a couple different times. At one point in our friendship (when I was unaware), she had feelings for me, but I definitely blew it then. We got drunk at a party last night and started having a pretty serious talk about our relationship in general, with me basically explaining that I really do want a romantic relationship, and she said things along the lines of "she wishes she could give that to me" and things of that nature, but ultimately it seems like she doesn't agree.
>>17328408
wrt this, I do kind of want to tell her that I don't know if I can keep being this invested in her if I don't know it's going somewhere serious. There was a period a couple weeks ago when we were fighting and didn't talk for two weeks (I feel really bad about it, she just started dating this person she had broken up with 2 or 3 times before in the past month, and I was mad/disappointed and generally was the epitome of "Nice Guy"), but we started talking again and I feel more connected to her than ever now.
I do feel like she might change her mind if I say that we should stop for a little bit, but I am incredibly nervous that it won't happen, and I would feel bad for kind of abandoning her.
She's going out of town tomorrow morning for a few days to spend time with her family and i'm considering texting her and saying that I don't think we should talk while she's gone. I know she'll have support over there if something's wrong, and she is really close with her sister but it still makes me really nervous

>>17328456
>I would feel bad for kind of abandoning her.
I don't think you should feel bad or be afraid of that at all. This might be kind of selfish, but your best interest should be yourself, and not her, *especially* right now. I don't know her situation, but I don't think it will break her to lose a friend. We all lose friends, and you just kind of move on, because there's nothing wrong with parting ways with somebody. Now, this would be different if you guys were in a long term relationship, because those relationships tend to be infinitely more meaningful and important. If you stop talking to a friend of yours, it's not that big of a deal, but if you've been dating somebody and spending hours of your day with them, and then you choose to end that, things tend to be more damaging. I know she might be your best friend, but moving onto another best friend, or even living without a defined best friend, doesn't seem that bad, and I think we've all done it. Don't get me wrong, it has an impact, but do people really cry themselves to sleep over friendships?

You have a clear intention of being in a relationship with her, and I don't think you need to consider how it will affect her. She's capable of doing what's best for herself as well, so she will fall in love with you if that's what's best for her. You don't really need to take the initiative in preventing her from getting hurt because you have your own best interest to look after.

I'm really amazed, because I'm in almost the exact same situation. The only difference is that my friend doesn't consider me her best friend (at least I don't think so), even having close to no other friends. Actually she invited me to the movies tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous so I might appreciate your company talking about this similar situation

I think OP should say as >>17328408 said and make her choose. If what you REALLY want is a romantic relationship, you should look for it and nothing else. However, as I said, I'm in the same situation and couldn't do it, so I know how hard it is. You gotta be ready for that

>>17328573
From my perspective, she is the most meaningful relationship I have with someone, so it would be a really big deal for me, but I do think I'm still going to do it. I guess my next question would be, what do you think I should say to her? I don't want to just stop replying so I want to send a message that sounds something like "Hey I don't think we should talk while you're away. I really do think it's good for you to get away from everything and I feel like I am part of the problem. I also want some time to think some things through. Have a good time and I'll see you when you get back!"
I know it's bad to be so self depreciating but a big reason she is going is to get away from problems here for a little while, and I kind of want her to recognize that there is something of a problem between us.
>>17328596
Hey I'm pretty glad to know that other people are in similar situations too. What's making you nervous about the movies? Does she know that you have feelings for her? I guess that might mean she's expecting you to make a move or do something. I never recognized those situations and I really regret that.

>>17328665
Yeah, she know that I'm totally into her. I don't think she wants anything with me, but I'm afraid to lose some opportunity. Just like you I can't recognize this type of situation.

You asked the other anon but I think you might just not talk to her. You don't have to say "hey lets not talk", just don't. Except if she talks to you, then I think you should reply like a nice human being but otherwise just don't call her or something. That's what I would do but I'm not very good at those things so I don't know if you should stick to my advice

>>17328665
This relationship feels really complicated, a lot more involved and important than I thought. I don't have anything in particular that I would like to know about, but would you be able to elaborate about it, and how ti might be different from other best-friend relationships?

"Hey I don't think we should talk while you're away. I really do think it's good for you to get away from everything and I feel like I am part of the problem. I also want some time to think some things through. Have a good time and I'll see you when you get back!"
From what you're saying, it sounds like you're already a huge impact on her life in a way, which is really surprising. Is she going on this family visit just for fun, or is there some sort of mental break that she needs? It's honestly hard to believe that she's as invested in you and you have as much of an impact as you're making it sound, but I don't know everything about you two.

In terms of execution, I guess it'll be a little tricky. My point stands, though, that you should be going for this romantic relationship if you want it, and it looks like you've made that decision, which I like. So, as of now, are we just talking about the execution of getting you two together as smoothly as possible?

>>17328698
>she know that I'm totally into her
At the very least the fact that she invited you to do something while knowing this means she really wants to be your friend. I don't think she would try to spend time with you just to appease you. And I kind of agree, but I know she's going to text me or snapchat me or something, and I at least want her to know what's going on ya know? I really do think it's important to either start distancing myself, or at least to bring the issues really into the light. Like I said, we've talked about it, but nothing has changed. We just always go back to normal pretty shortly after.
The only exception was the two weeks where we didn't talk, and for me it was one the most difficult things I've done, and she has told me that it was pretty bad for her too.

>>17328706
I think the depth of our relationship is kind of what sets it apart from others. She is really fun to hang out with, and I love spending hours on the phone with her at night but we also have been through some shit.
She was in a long distance relationship when I met her, and they broke up when we were starting to be friends. She really loved him and it was really hard for her because she wasn't able to get any sort of closure from it. It was the distance that broke them up and he only moved because he lives with his family and they did. Basically, if he still lived here they would probably still be together. She was really depressed and I was pretty much the only person she was spending time with at that point, so I've kind of seen her at her worst and still like her enough.
I've also had a meltdown around her, which I feel really bad about, because it was because she went on a vacation with her friends and came back dating one of them when I had thought that we were really close to being together and I felt kind of betrayed. I just got really drunk at a party she was at and when she was helping me throw up I was like "I thought I was going to be next", like referring to the next guy she was going to date. I apologized the next day and I guess she forgave me.
As for why I think I have impact, she's told me that she wouldn't have been able to get over that initial breakup without my help, and then more recently, and more relevant I think, is this period when we weren't talking.
That started because she started dating that guy while on vacation, and then proceeded to come home, complain about him to me, and break up with him, only to get back together with him a few days later. She complained so much, and she was really miserable during that period of her life, to the point of scratching and scarring the hell out of her arm. Then, the last time she got back together with him, she didn't tell me.
Damn, thanks for listing to all this
Cont.

>>17328748
yeah, she inviting me was really a surprise, but I still think that she feels somehow "guilty" for all I do for her and she just wants to feel better about herself. but it can also be only my pessimism talking

considering that you do what I said, if she messages you you can simply reply as shortly as possible (without being mean or whatever) and that's it. just don't try to create/keep long conversations... and if she brings it up you can open yourself and say that you think it's better to take a time

>>17328767
I had to hear for sure from a mutual friend, and I was really kind of disappointed with her, not only because it wasn't me, but that she seemed to just refuse to do anything to try to feel better about her situation, and this mutual friend went and told her that I said all that. SO basically, I stopped talking to her because I was upset and she didn't try reaching out to me because this mutual friend had told her that I was mad at her.
At the end of it though, I texted her with a "Hey I miss you, this is stupid, I feel like an asshole, can we be friends again?" type message and she broke up with him over text almost immediately.
We hung out that day, and after a couple hours she told me that she broke up with him earlier, but the important part was last night when we were drunk, and she told me that she wasn't initially planning on telling me that, because she didn't want our friendship to be based on the fact that she broke up with him.
What I'm getting from that is that my friendship with her was more important to her than her relationship with him, and that she didn't really want me to know that

>>17328771
I definitely think you should go and just try to have a good time with her. I also empathize when it comes to the pessimism though, but even if that is true, this is your chance to prove yourself in a sense.
What movie are you guys seeing out of curiosity? and also, is that all you're doing or do you plan on getting food or something too?
And I'm worried that if I send short replies I'll come across as a dick, and she'll respond in turn by either not talking to me or by being really short with me. I guess in a sense that's what I want, but I really like that by saying "let's not talk while you're away" gives me a set end point of not talking to her. I really don't want this to lead to us drifting apart, and I would feel so much more comfortable with at least having another for sure chance to talk to her

>>17328767
>"I thought I was going to be next"
I feel like you might be maintaining the friendship because you don't want to lose her, but I think that all you want is a romantic relationship with her. I very much think you should go for it, and if she doesn't want to stay with you, then end it. It's her loss, and you can't let her benefit off of a relationship with you if you're not benefiting as well.

I'm just gonna go back to my original anecdote:
>>17328408
I would give her the ultimatum, and let her decide. Maybe not now, but sooner or later, whenever the both of you have a decently serious moment in an otherwise safe situation, i.e. don't do it if a family member just died or something. I almost feel like she's leeching off of you in this relationship, but you need to do what makes you happy.

>>17328835
yeah, I sure will go and probably have fun, thanks mate. we will watch finding dory (I'm not sure if that's how it's called out of here but ok). her mother is out of town so I will invite her to eat something but she will probably refuse because she is afraid to go home after dark, since a lot of people tried to rob her on her way home. my secret hope is that she invites me to eat at her home but it certainly would never happen

it sounds cliche but I think that ultimately you should make what makes you confortable. she likes you for who you are, so you shouldn't do anything that feels different to you. if you feel like making your point explicitly telling her you don't want to talk you should probably do it and hope for the best

>>17328882
>you might be maintaining the friendship because you don't want to lose her, but I think that all you want is a romantic relationship
I honestly can't tell if this is true or not. It probably is and I just don't want to admit it. And it sucks because I definitely am benefiting from it, and I just want more.
Regardless, though, I think that I'm going to wind up giving some sort of ultimatum at some point, so I still do really feel like doing it now.
>an otherwise safe situation
she is going through a lot right now. She just got a new manager job that she thinks is too much for her, and actually just quit that today so she could get out of town. And then we've been seeing the guy she broke up with at parties recently and a couple nights ago they talked in his car for a while and I guess it was just him crying and berating her for wasting his time and money and banging on his steering wheel. That really really shook her up and she feels responsible for him acting like that.
Does this seem like too much all at once? It does to me now and I'm having second thoughts about this
>>17328890
I actually saw finding dory with this girl earlier today. It's very cute.
But hmm... In my experience it's better to eat after the movies because then you guys have something to talk about to avoid any initial awkwardness, but maybe see if she wants to do anything before? Even going to the grocery store and getting snacks together is pretty fun.

And OK, Thanks. I probably won't do anything right now actually anyways. I don't know if you've been reading my replies to the other anon but could I get your opinion on that last bit too?

>>17328940
yeah, that's exactly what I'm planning (getting some snacks before and trying to eat while watching it and after we can spend some time and eat something, idk)

yeah, I'm reading and he's probably right. I have a friend who keeps saying to me the same things he is telling you, but I prefer to do things my way even if it means screwing up because at least I was genuine. but by the last things you said, I think this is not the time to confront her, since she is under a lot of worries and you are probably some safe place to her. if you want to do as he says, maybe wait for a while, but take care to not wait too much so you won't give up your decision

>>17328952
"trying to eat while watching" wtf, I meant "some snacks to eat while watching"

hey OP I'm going to sleep now. Thanks for the chat, good luck with your friend and cheer for me tomorrow as I will cheer for you from now on. take care

>>17328952
Yeah, that all sounds like a good plan to me. Also, I don't know your stance, or hers for that matter, on talking during movies, but I think that's fun too (In moderation).

And I agree I don't want to pile on.
>>17329015
Thank you as well. Goodnight!

>>17328333
being a limerant is basically the worst thing ever. do not sustain that. get out one way or another.

>>17329023
I know and I agree, but it's just really hard. There's definitely more to it than just infatuation, and it's hard to throw everything else away just because of that

>>17328767
>She was in a long distance relationship when I met her, and they broke up when we were starting to be friends

Jesus OP, are you me?
I'm amazed by this "little" coincidence so I'll dump my story.

February
>be me
>first gf ever
>almost 4 years with her
>she dumps me for (from my point of view) retarded reasons
>I'm not devastated but it's not easy
>she was my first everything
>I'm in the "sob sob, she was the best, there's no girl like her" phase of the after-breakup
>my best friend (male) comes back from his erasmus
>I really missed him and needed someone so I spent a whole week with him
>he brings back a girl with him from the erasmus
>they are not dating or anything
>at first I think she's nice
>a couple of days later I think she's super fun and cute
>realize I fell in love with this girl
>she's got a long distance relationship with someone she has seen once in her life, she doesn't talk about it (my friend told me)
>when the week ends she goes back to her country and I begin university
>major depression (have to be in class with ex cause same career and also missing this new crush of mine)
>chat with her every day

March
>she breaks up with long distance guy
>it was her decision but she is sad anyway

April
>I decide to tell her I have a huge crush on her hoping she accepted me or at least that her denial could help me move on
>I play it sneaky and ask her for advice about a crush I have on a girl from another country as if it was with another girl
>kind of stupid but I didn't want to ask out of the blue
>she obviously saw through my scheme but gave true advice anyway
>she suggests me I tell the girl how I feel
>she even tells me a story about a long distance relationship she knew worked
>sweatingpepe.jpg
>eventually confess I was referring to her all along
>she obviously knew
>tells me "I can't answer to your crush, I'm not ready for a relationship right now" and also "I have very warm feelings towards you"

>>17329270
and that was pretty much it. We kept talking a lot even though she kind of rejected me. It wasn't an explicit rejection like "I don't feel that way" or "I'd rather just be your friend" but maybe she was just trying to be nice while rejecting me.
We didn't stop talking because of this. I didn't move on. She must know I still have a crush on her. We will probably see each other this summer so maybe after spending time with her "in real life" I will ask again, if she seems interested, or whatever I don't know, I'm a mess.

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you gotta use psychology, deprive her of the connection she has with you, ignore her, be on and off, and she'll realize she needs you in her life and "fall in love" with you

Just like to say thanks for the thread OP and everyone in it, I'm in a similar situation and this thread has helped me a ton