I've been a commited relationship for around a year. The girl in question is fiercely loyal, hardworking. I have absolutely no doubt that she loves me dearly, and I love her too.
This question goes out to any females, or males who can relate to my question. My girlfriend is very insecure. When I say this I don't mean she doubts my loyalness. What I mean is that she is quick to anger or exaggerate the tiniest of things, and requires as much of my attention as possible. E.g. the other day I had to cancel evening plans with her (with warning in advance) due to a family issue that required all of my attention. I assured her that I would make it up for her, and that my next few days would be dedicated for her, however she flew off the handle, calling me all names under the sun - telling me to piss off, uncaring, unaffectionate, going absolutely balls deep in the attacking to the point of questioning the relationship: "whats the point", "I feel like we're two different people!" is a frequent one I hear. Sometimes the insults get personal, and oh boy does it fucking hurt. I do my best not to retalliate, often going outside or leaving the conversation in order to prevent it, which tends to just anger her further. More often than not, she will come around the next day and apologise after realising what a tool she has been, and usually find some way of spoiling me.
Needless to say her anxiety lately has been getting worse and worse and to be absolutely honest, it makes me feel like total shit. In her defense, before I asked her out to make our relationship an official thing, she confided in me that this is what its like, she has an anxiety disorder in which she has had counselling, medication and all sorts thrown at her. I've tried sitting down and telling her this but we end up fighting. If I leave I'm worried that it will absolutely destroy her, she is not a confident person and is in the depths of her anxiety. Is this a sinking ship or can something be salvaged?
I've dated someone with anxiety and she was the exact same way. She eventually became better, but we broke up because she just wasn't very sympathetic.
But anyway, make sure she's still going to counseling and is actively working on her anxiety, since it's something you have to work on everyday. If she sparks into an argument, don't say anything. Let her burn herself out. Hell, maybe even hug her for a bit when she begins to get mad. It worked for me, and usually turns into some nice sex.
When a girl with anxiety gets into an n argument, it's usually because she's unsure of your love for her in one way or another. So reassuring your love for her in that moment will be sure to calm her down.
>>17320838
Reassuring and lots of hugs and love certainly helps more than retalliating, and can really help diffuse a situation going terribly wrong. I'm worried exactly the same as you with the sympathy, she will often ask me why I'm so stressed "its the way I feel!" I often hear, and it has reached the stage on a few occasions where I've had to tell her that she fucked up and better apologise or I'm packing up.
Yet I still love her, I have never met a girl I could share so many interests with, I have never dated someone who even now, after a year of dating, we can still sit down at the table and before we know it its 5am and we've just become so engrossed with each other. Intimacy is not a problem either, but I look to the future and I don't know how much I can take the constant challenges and arguements.
>>17320905
Well, for me, the main thing the girl I dated and I had in common was that we both liked sex and we both liked fucking each other. Hence why it wasn't worth it for me when it turned out she wasn't as sympathetic as I'd wanted.
But for you two, it sounds like you're made for each other besides the constant arguments. If you can assure that she's working on it and continue to defuse any bad situations, I say go for it.
>>17320796
This going to keep happening over and over again. I've been in a relationship with a girl just like that and I wanted to stay with her because I honestly loved her and I felt as if my leaving would cause her a lot of pain. It did. But eventually it got to the point where I was being sucked down with her and I had to leave to save my own sanity.
I hope you can salvage the relationship, I hope it works out. It didn't for me.
>>17320796
You can't let her continue this verbal, emotional abuse towards you. These are methods of control, regardless of any anxiety, which itself does not cause these outbursts. This is insecurity, coupled with anger issues, and resulting in these methods of abuse.
You should go see a therapist yourself, get comfortable with said therapist, then invite her to a few couple sessions, that is if you want to work it out.
I personally, have been there and done that, and I absolutely would not allow anyone to treat me like that again, nor would give them the comfort of these "sessions" while they are constantly abusing me. And that is what this is; it's abuse.
Does she ever have moments of clarity or is it always the same thing?
>>17320796
I dated a girl with anxiety and she also acted this way. I think it's pretty common. Unlike >>17320838 though it eventually worked out, and three years later we're still together. Seeing a new therapist helped. So did switching up her medication and getting her off the pill (she's never done well with hormonal birth control). But above all I needed to set well-defined personal boundaries.
I'm not an expert in anxiety disorders. Nobody here is likely to be one. She may need a new therapist, or new medication, or whatever; this may be beyond your control (in which case the relationship probably won't survive, unfortunately.) I can tell you that when my girlfriend flipped her lid at me I didn't put up with it, and you absolutely should not either. You should never, ever let anybody treat you that way, regardless of whatever emotional disorders they have. It is abuse, as >>17320959 said, it hurts you (seriously, you might not be aware of it, but it's leaving scars) and ultimately letting her do that is harmful to her development as a person too.
I'm not telling you to yell at her and respond in kind, that's not a good idea. I recommend saying something along the lines of, "Listen, I love you more than anything, and I want to make this relationship work, but I have friends and a family and other obligations and I can't spend every second with you. Also, these outbursts are not okay. It's not okay for anybody to treat me like that. If you need to see a new therapist, or need new medication for your anxiety, I'll support you every step of the way, but you need to stop lashing out at me if you want me to stay in this relationship."
>>17320959
>>17320991
>Yelling at someone is abuse
Um...not really though? It's not healthy, but I feel like calling that abuse undermines actual abuse.
>>17320991
Very sound advice thank you. I have said similar things in the past but her response is very reluctant these days. I do stand my ground and I've never let anyone, not even my girlfriend, take advantage of my feelings or push me over. However when it comes to me telling her that I love her but these outbursts can't continue, and I will do all I can to support her to get over this and improve, her reaction lately has been one of great reluctance, whether its due to lack of self belief due to her failure to fix this problem in the past, or that she is actually reluctant because she think I will just put up with it, I can't figure out, and has caused me more than 1 restless night thinking about it.
>>17320796
Sounds more like bipolar desu.
>>17321023
There are multiple forms of abuse. Your view of abuse may be limited to "physical abuse," which is no more damaging than emotional abuse; which has a larger and longer impact on someone.
These forms of abuse are well known through-out the court system as well as medical fields, and does "undermine" abuse, as they are ALL abuse in the eyes of society.
>>17321045
*doesn't undermine*
>you will never have a gf, not even one with anxiety/depression issues
>>17320796
Bruh, that is not anxiety. That is crippling insecurity, immaturity, and possible borderline personality disorder.
Everything is about her and everything isn't good enough. You will never be happy with this person until she shapes up. She won't shape up because you are giving into her behavior.
>>17321045
Women cannot abuse men
It's impossible
Op just isn't meeting her needs
>>17321031
Not bipolar at all. People tend to mix bipolar with borderline. People with bipolar disorder don't act out like this on the daily or environmentally. Bipolar disorder typically consists of one episode every 1-2 years, lasting about 3-4 months on average. In which they experience a frenzied state of heightened energy, risk-taking behavior, hypersexuality, and sometimes delusions. Then fall into depression for several weeks. People with bipolar disorder generally aren't constantly on edge, irritable, and jumping from one mood to the next contrary to popular myths spreading around.
What OP says, really points to borderline. Acting out, manipulating for attention, and being set off by very small triggers.
>>17321045
So parents yelling at their kids when they're being brats is abuse? I can't really see how anyone can really argue that.
>>17322003
That's taken out of context, and it depends on what is being said during the yelling. If it is profanity laced, or has disparaging insults/comments, then yes, it is abuse.
"Take your fucking ass to your room you no good bitch!" - abusive.
"Shut the fuck up and don't speak until I say you can!" - abusive
"No, don't run out in front of that car!" - heh
"Go to your room! You're grounded!" - heh
I think you get the point, it's all about context.
You shouldnt just let her shout at you- this way she will never learn that shes NOT the victim- dont let her "disease" or sth. apologize for her behaviour. We all have a burden to carry and everyone is more or less psychotic. If leaving her is an option for you should make her know that, in a subtle way- a small shock that may wake her up. Then youve got another chance to help her overcome her anxiety by providing love and reliance for her. From my point of view this "shock" is really important because it will change the magnetism between you. I may be reading it all wrong but this is my opinion.
Take my word for it. I hooked up with a bitch that has OCD. It wasnt until we had our first and only child that things got worst. Now i cant even fathom if my daughter is going to end up like her and consecuently make all o my effort in parenting, pointless.
Makes me wanna pulla negro move on her and just vanish w/ daughter before i end up beating her senseless
>>17320942
I had the exact same experience as this guy.
One thing it's important to realize is that anxiety is irrational. You can't expect irrational behavior to proceed in a rational manner, and thus she is unpredictable. With my (now ex) girlfriend with anxiety, this meant that no matter what approach I took to try to "solve" the problem, it was ultimately fruitless. Maybe once I would try the Immediate Hug tactic and it would work, but the next time I would go in for it and get back a "You're only doing this because of my anxiety and I'm not good enough for you and you don't understand me and we're never going to make it, etc." I probably tried dozens if not hundreds of approaches, and there is no pattern.
Don't blame yourself for being unable to solve the problem. The problems are hers. I can't stress this enough. Another anon mentioned being aware of the emotional toll this is taking on you, and he was absolutely right. I thought when I was dating my gf that I was doing something good by trying to be there for her and help her, but I was really damaging myself in the process. The stress was unbelievable, and after we broke up, it took me close to a year before I felt truly recovered.
I may be projecting too much here, but I'd advise just ending things for your own sake. No matter how much she tells you she'll die without you or how much you think her life will be ruined, she'll survive and find someone else to drag down. There are plenty of girls out there without this kind of additional hassle attached to them.
Best of luck, anon, I don't envy you your situation one bit. Dating someone with anxiety was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Psychologist here, OP.
Borderline personality disorder is the culprit here, not anxiety.
Cheers
