I'm sick and tired of my life. I need to go to work in an hour as a cashier and I hate it. The people suck, the job sucks, my managers suck and I'd rather not talk to any of them. I've thought about working in a bookstore or library but then again I'd rather just not work.
I just finished my Associates degree, but I hate school. I was going for engineering, but I fucking failed Calc 2 twice because my lazy ass got the same shit professor twice and I never do my homework. I figure English would be a better major so I can get a job where I don't need to see anyone.
I wake up each day and go back to sleep. In my free time I never do anything productive. I jerk off, eat, sleep and consume entertainment until the time disappears and I need to work again. I live with my mom, my parents divorced, and my family always fought.
I have social anxiety, depression, and obsessive thoughts and compulsions. I do not have a healthy outlook on people or life. When I am around anyone, I do not feel like myself - I am shy and quiet and awkward. My existence is infuriating and I hate myself on the inside. I go to sleep mindless without any thoughts or ambitions and wake up wishing I was still asleep. I do not cope with any substances or medications, and I fear getting a medication for monetary and personal reasons. I oftentimes envision very violent images and scenarios including bodily and self harm to myself and others, and the thought of death is a comfort and fear. I have tried to choke myself and have burned myself with cigarettes in the past. I only avoid suicide because I fear death and what comes after it.
I like art and writing, but personally feel like it a useless and I should only work in a scientific field. I hate myself and others deeply and have never had any close friends since I was a young child. I am afraid of abandonment and become very jealous of others easily.
>>17313357
I want to run away from home and work to wander homelessly, live in the woods in a car, or try to make a living doing nothing but writing and drawing shitty porn and fiction on the internet.
Every day I end up repeating this cycle of distress. I wake up like shit, go to work or waste away my life and time, and end up going to bed too late and too aware of how self-destructive I am.
I feel powerless against my nature and the world. I don't want to live any more, I just want the failure and sadness to go away, and I want to go with it too.
Please help.
>>17313357
Well, you're not the only one if it's any consolation.
>>17313357
Find a cognitive behavioral therapist near you and start going. I was in a similar position to you and it wasn't easy but through therapy, meds, and a family that refused to let me quit I beat my depression.
Sounds like a career change might be in order too. Ever considered something like ems?
>>17313374
I went to a therapist once. I was too shy to open up, and my mother cancelled the appointments because it cost too much. I don't have the money myself. My family sucks and I hate them. My mother is a narcissistic idiot hoarder, my brother is an asshole I've not seen in years, and my father is a neurotic wimp who wastes his money daily.
Like I said, I want to try to get a less stressful job. One where I talk to few people and just do my work. Bookstore stocking, librarian, night shift or security guard.
>>17313388
Well now that you have a job you can use your own money. Do you want to beat your depression or don't you?
I worked as a security guard in the past BTW. It can be very laid back and easy but it's literally getting paid to do nothing which became tedious quickly. Also wait until you see the supervisors.
>>17313388
if you cant do therapy at lest start meditating
>>17313422
I do have some money, but I am reckless with it. I waste it on garbage food or videogames to distract myself for as long as I can. Meeting a new therapist would be hell. Just talking on the phone makes me sweat. I have thought about just drinking and smoking to cope with it, since I already care so little about myself.
>>17313357
You should at least try and get a better job. Be relatively rich if not happy.
Go to therapy.
I've been in the same place and turned my life around, lots of us have.
It's a painful road out but fuck it, it's worth it.
Conquer your irrational fears,and the so called rational ones most people hold lose power too. You can live and enjoy life far more than most.
Make it through hell and you can find heaven. You're free of the social conditioning that holds most back, you're halfway there.
If you're in a depressed state of mind this will sound like irrational nonsense, but no person has ever achieved anything without a healthy dose of irrational optimism. You can live the life you want and you should believe it.
What is stopping you from going to school for something like English or creative writing or something along those lines?
It sounds like you don't mind living a low income lifestyle so wouldn't it make sense to pursue something you already have an interest in?
Good luck though I feel similarly sometimes (often lately). I myself have issues expressing myself but I'm trying to work on it through repition and not quitting after failure.
>>17313444
Why the fuck did you even make this thread if you knew you were going to dismiss good advice out of hand in favor of behavior you know is self destructive?
>>17313672
/adv/ is a one way blog
>>17313674
I genuinely hope you die.
You should minor in creative writing and write as often as possible. Focus on improving your writing skills. Maybe do a fun job after school like teaching english abroad for a while. Pick up a fun self improvement hobby like lifting.
>>17313756
Even after my flesh is gone and my bones are dust my legacy will live on forever for every man that knows hatred knows Pegasus
*teleports behind you*
Heh...im too fast for u
*drags your soul to underworld*
>>17313357
Moo-fucking-min!!
>>17313672
OP here, almost half done with work.
I understand therapy is the "right" thing in this situation, but it is still a fearful thing for me to confront.
Admittedly yes, this was also in part just for me to vent. I am frustrated with life and complaining is one of the few things that helps with that powerless feeling.
Thank you all for the advice, I will continue to write at the very least when I get the free time.
From my experience the arts majors require a lot of networking/relationship building to find gainful employment. For the most part they're not jobs for loners, unless you plan on becoming a librarian or find some other nische career.
Your current situation doesn't seem all that awful. Start applying to generic jobs that are above minimum wage, with an associates in engineering you should qualify for a lot them. In some places even bussers make above minimum. To do this though you must first realize that it's okay to apply to jobs without fulfilling 100% of what the ad wants.
To note, you might even qualify for a lot of technician jobs in your area, or may be able to find something in electronics if you have a basic background in it.
