>>17289026

who says you are doing anything wrong?

your big problem here is that you are operating under the assumption that a relationship will last til the end of fucking time unless you do something horribly wrong. thats not the case. no one else has this so stop pretending they do.

some people may hold relationships down longer, but by your own admission you were never great matches with these women. you essentially settled for the best you can get, but that doesnt equate into any real passion. even reading your post i can tell you are very clinical in your approach to these women. oh im sure emotions were involved and tied in, but thats not the same as having that hot passionate connection.

Relationships have 'exits' that you can take when you are starting to get somewhere you arent ready for.

when you first start dating its honeymoon phase. people are just happy to have someone in their lives, and meeting a new person has created a funny chemistry that makes them excited every time.

Then that begins to settle about 3 to 6 months into the relationship. thats the first exit route. this is when people say things like 'im just not feeling it' or parrot off any excuse. they often dont understand what went wrong cuz people suck at understanding themselves. they simply lost that initial spark that makes them excited something new is happening. its like watching a new show. the first few episodes seem amazing. then by episode 10 you're burnt out but still there. the shows still the show. you are jsut used to it now. same for relationships.

after that the next exit route is usually holidays. do you want them to meet family? do you want to get good gifts?

after that the next exit route is moving in or some hardship that randomly occurs. you basically have to decide if you are comitted enough to this person to 'make it work' through thick or thin, and moving in is a big step.

>>17289073

after that, the next exit route is marriage. are you ready to make this 'forever'?


theres ab illion reasons to break up inbetween but if its not caused by something in particular these are the general milestones people reach that push them to break up. the reason the girl broke up with you after discussing marriage is because you discussed marriage. she decided that she doesnt want that.

and whether you believe it or not you really cant 'go back'. once oyu mention marriage in a serious sense they know thats where its going. you can just pretend it didnt. probably didnt help that you talked about marriage casually isntead of doing an actual proposal.
ultimately, yo uarent ab ad person. there isnt a single objective idea of how to move up on the scale of being a good partner. a girl may break up with you over sex, or weight, or this or that or the fifth thing, but these are all simple traits that have nothing to do with who you are as a person and how they relate to you. love is not based on whether or not someones 'good at sex' or 'more successful by now'. its a raw emotion that develops chemically, almost randomly. these things just help maintain it.

sounds to me like you've never had a deep connection with these girls, or at least they didnt with you.

just remember that we all go through a million break ups in our lives. some people last longer thn you but that doesnt make them better or more successful. they just found the right match for that particular time

that being said if someone saying 'y ouare just so miserable' you might want to reflect on that. are you miserable OP??

>>17289026

DID ANY OF THIS HELP OP IVE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR BACK FROM YOU ALL DAY

Bump to see if I should take time to write a different angle, or if OP has died.

>>17289383
haha, I'm here, anon. Just haven't read yet!

>>17289737
See this is why you never take /adv/ seriously---you write a huge wall of text to help these fags and they don't even read if!

>>17289077
So the two things you said anon that most struck me were this:

>never had a deep connection
>are you miserable?

Because those are the two things I keep ringing around in my head, to be completely honest.

I used to get told (a lot) by friends that I couldn't pour from an empty cup, and that I would struggle to find love if I couldn't love myself. It was clear to them (but not to me at the time) that I was unhappy. Even my own parents would comment on it, actually.

In the time since, I got my act together. I lost weight, I settled into a job I don't hate, etc. But I still get these swings where I just know I'm not ready. I'll go out with my friends on a Friday night, for example, and spend the whole time worrying about the fact that I'm the only overweight guy at the table. Or that this meal might actually break the bank for me, because I'm financially not as well off as my friends. I ran into an issue a month ago where I almost lost $1600 due to a miscommunication with my landlord. It got cleared up, but for the agonizing week that it was going on I felt like a leper. I was embarrassed and it was all I could talk about.

In many ways, I can see this being why some of these women left me. Emotionally I still am not very mature. I can present confidence and adulthood any given day of the week, but I still buckle under pressure. I've been to therapy for it and have gotten to the root of the problem. Fuck, I've even done things to fix it! I'm moving in with a roommate to save money and I was able to take advantage of some loan forgiveness programs to save even more money. Once that happened, and the landlord business was handled, I was instantly back on cloud nine -- like clockwork.

>>17289767
Early on in my life, I wouldn't say that I had the best emotional growth. My parents were very young and didn't know how to handle my bouts of sadness or the bullying I experienced in school.

Fast forward to high school or college, and any feeling of complacency I had was validated. Nobody really challenged me to buck up. I remember one gf from college physically beating the shit out of me and locking me out of my apartment beside I asked if she wanted to have sex. Since she was feeling "ugly" that day, I had dishes winged at my head, got kicked in the dick, and when she wouldn't listen to me I just left and cooled my head -- which prompted her to lock the door. We of course broke up, but shit like that fucked with me. I couldn't get it up for a woman for nearly a year after that, and I remember nearly crying tears of joy the first time I came from sex after that horrible experience. The girl I was with had no idea what was going on, but it was amazing to feel my body physically release all of that pent up anger (almost literally).

The gf who dumped me while abroad was not the first time and neither was the gf who kicked me.

I had a girl call in a fake rape while I was on a date with her and spent the night explaining it to police (and both our families). I had my first college gf attempt suicide and blame me for not "being there" to stop her (I was on a weekend trip with friends). I had one of my adult gfs agree to stay in the area rather than chase her dream job just so she could be with me, and then do a 180 during our big vacation because I hadn't made a similarly huge gesture to her yet. I had a serious pregnancy scare that was legitimate and it threatened to blow apart my entire career as the girl turned it into a rape allegation, even though it was 100% consensual "friends hooking up."

And this doesn't include that I am in my late 20s now and still overweight, in debt, and struggling to get time with friends.

Of course I'm miserable.

>>17289806
I've gotten stronger through each of these experiences, though. Most people have no idea I was ever close to 300lbs in high school or dealt with such shitty relationships. To even family, I'm a very well adjusted, normal guy who is going to see serious success in his future.

I'm also, like I said, moving and taking care of the situational shit that I CAN handle (social health, physical health, financial health...). So maybe I won't be miserable for much longer. I definitely do not feel as depressed these days as I once did in my past.

That said, the deep connection part...

I remember somebody once telling me that I keep approaching women like they are going to be my "last." And you said that too anon. Maybe you're right. I do often think too far ahead in these situations

But I'm not really looking for flings. I would like to settle. I would like to get that part of my life started.

Have I had a deep connection with these women? Some I would say absolutely, but most you're probably right to say I didn't. A joke in my circle of friends is that I'm always dating and always excited about the "new girl," but still end up single. I met an old coworker for a fantastic date a few months ago and it ended with the two of us swearing it would "be forever." Of course, it wasn't. But I told everybody around me that it meant something and that I would be pursuing her.

And when I did pursue her, she didn't bite. She didn't care at all. It was a dud.

>>17289852
Clinical is the right word. My friends have used the term "calculating" but clinical is just as correct. I am done with the superficial connections ("oh, you play soccer too? cool, let's date") and I do try very hard to find the more meaningful ones.

The girl that dumped me while abroad? We had very similar upbringings and college experiences. We both shared a lot of mannerisms, interests, and careers. But at the end of the day, we weren't compatible at all. According to her, I was "the type of guy she thought she wanted."

As my friend once said, "you're a chameleon, anon. You try too hard to be what a woman wants and then you take off your colors and she sees who you are and she dumps you. Eventually somebody will fall for it, I'm sure."

Thank you, anon. And hopefully you're still here to read my mountain of text response.

Any other thoughts?

>>17289806
>receive fake rape charges
>TWICE
Dude, you're dating some crazy women. (Although one might argue that "crazy women" is an oxymoron.)
Real talk though, women are emotional clusterfucks that aren't even able to handle their own impulses. They NEED an emotionally stable man who can stand firm like an oak in their shitstorm of complaining, crying, fuming, pouting, screaming and punching the floor like children. They are NOT into having to deal with your emotional bullshit as well. Any signs of emotional weakness such as insecurity or depression will make them turn on the heels and walk away faster than you can say "mommy issues".

>>17289857
Not that anon (he sounded either drunk or upset earlier) but damn, dude.

Maybe it would be best for you to take a break from relationships for a while. Work on yourself, get lots of therapy, maybe lose some more weight (nice job getting to where you've gotten senpai) and try to be happy. Try casual hookups maybe? You could benefit from caring a little less about relationships, at least until you find someone who's worth it.

People who have had issues in the past unconsciously seek out those with issues. Sometimes they find abusive partners. Sounds like it happened to you.