Anything

Your brain is hell-bent on destroying itself. You have to break the cycle.

I don't know if that would help, but here is my a short version of my story. I had simillar problem, sadness, numbness, suicide thoughts almost every minute.

My first memories are filled with feeling misplacement, sadness, strangness. My first suicide thought and "attempt" was when I was six years old, when I crawled under my desk with a knife and tried to slice my neck, thankfully (?) got scared of pain and blood. I just felt like such a disapointment and waste of time/space despite being one of the best students in school and having many acomplishments. All those feelings lingered through my whole life I managed to get to best schools and get decent studies but it was only when I was 24 I realized what it was because. I was never loved.

Now my parents on the surface are decent folk but in family interactions they are toxic, narcistic motherfuckers that only saw their children as their property and pillows to cry on. They told me regulary that they "love me" but noone ever cared for me. Everything I know I had to teach myself. Everything from the most basic things. Only thing that they suplied was money but I always felt ashamed to take it because they were always fighting for it. They were always critical.

Now comes my worst problem/decision. I assumed it was norm. I didn't rebel. I was good kid. They absolutely "love" the way I act. I was good son, who always helped them and never gave problems. I just internalized all the problems, feeling of being unloved, unlovable even (feelings that I didn't understand), hate, rage. Nobody ever taught me anything about life, nobody ever helped me in normal problems of growing up and I felt too ashamed of myself to even reach out to other people (I guess it is subconcious realization that if my own family doesn't help me I must not deserve help of other people) and didn't want to shame my family (which always was first thing they would say to me).

It all changed first time I ALLOWED myself to feel loved.

>>17254600
I had to really fight the urge to push away people that liked me, but thankfully I moved out of my home. I found people that appreciated and tolerated me, that weren't critical (that's not the point, that is the means to reach the point).

Point is, that feeling were like nothing I have ever felt before. It was like I was seeing colours for the first time. It was like drinking clear water after lifetime of siping sewage. I did not even realize you could feel that way. And it was soooo simple. It only took for someone to show me real kindness and warmeth (feelings that my parents were pretend to gave me). It was total game changer.

And then came rage. I wasted most of my junior years on self hate and suicide tendencies and nothing will ever give them back. I am not husk of a person I could be but at least I catched glimpse of normal life that for me looks like heaven.

Oh, how I wish my parents would die when I was little, all this fucked up things that they did would not happen. Big part of it is the fact that I was "denied" option to figure it out faster. They always accuse me of making them feel bad when I tried to talk about my problems.

You were probably denied feeling love to. But love it out there. You just have a big hole in your soul.

Hope that helped.

>>17254600
This sounds familiar in a lot of ways. I am only 21 myself but have been through a pretty rough depression in the last two years. And I was never in a relationship but just recently in something I guess you could call a romance. And the feeling of being loved was so new, different and I just couldn't understand how anyone would love me simply for who I am. But it made all the difference and has opened up a whole new side of life to me. Something worth living for in my eyes.

>>17254631
What is tragic is that most people with such a background "won't let themselves to be loved". I know as hell I was pushing away all the wonderfull people and destroying every good relationship in my life to this point. I hurt 3 great people because I couldn't figure out what the problem was.

>how anyone would love me simply for who I am

It rings so true and yet it is so terrifing. No person living should feel that way, it's hideous.

>>17254759
Absolutely.
It is a very hard process learning to see the world and the people around you differently from how you have your entire life. Going away from thinking do they still love/like me or did I do something wrong? What do I need to do for them to like me? Can I pull it off?

When my therapist explained this to me that it is not about constantly doing stuff to be likeable to other people she told me I am going to have to dump my skills that I had honed to perfection my entire life, trying to figure out if people like me and the way I am. Being super sensitive to their feedback, intended and unintended.
And it is really hard to change this, but it gives life a new quality and makes it less of a thing you have to work for so when you stop enjoying it for a moment you don't feel the urge to just stop and end it.

>>17254759
>I know as hell I was pushing away all the wonderfull people and destroying every good relationship in my life to this point.
I did that too... basically no one was ever good enough for me and I shit all over my friends for years until they stopped wanting to hang out with me. And then I feel awful when I'm lonely.
I guess it was a coping mechanism deep down, because I always hated myself, but like... 'I might be a piece of shit but at least I'm better than YOU'.

Of course no one likes that guy and now I'm alone because of my own doing.

>>17254628
>you were probably denied feeling love to.
I would say so. I hate to blame my parents because how cliche. But that did hit close to home