Posted this in the girls ask guys thread, but I decided that this sort of needed it's own thread.
Boyfriend is getting more and more distant and it's scaring the shit out of me.
In the first couple months that we started seeing each other, he was literally obsessed with me, we talked all the time.
Now that we're nearing month six, getting him to talk to me is like pulling teeth. He has all sorts of serious emotional baggage in his past (was raped, molested, beaten to a pulp in school, was never close with any of his family, ect), so I understand that he's probably terrified of having a real emotional connection with me, it's probably why he makes up lies and excuses as to why he can't talk to me.
...But he gets so fucking happy when he drops me off or when I leave (it's long distance, two-hour trip). Like, ecstatic. He's really happy the whole way to drop me off. Last time he dropped me off, he was grinning as he kissed me goodbye and fucking fist-pumped "Yes!" as he was getting back into his car. I don't think he knew I was watching.
Recently it's been seeming like he's been coming up with excuses not to see me when I try to make plans with him. Last time it was something along the lines of "I'm not sure I have the money to spoil you", he usually takes me out to all kinds of places whenever he can when we're together, which is also concerning in itself, because I've talked to him about him not needing to blow all kinds of money on me, yet he insists on doing it anyway. That's a different story, though.
(cont)
I talked to him today about getting together later this week, said he's broke and won't have enough money for gas, so I told him I'd make the drive up this time. He usually picks me up because I have Aspergers and ADHD, both factors that make me shit at driving. He made these weird moans and sighs almost the whole time while he was talking to me, like making conversation with me was agonizing or something he really, really didn't want to do. I asked if there was anything wrong, he said he was fine several times.
Money has never been an issues before, and I'm not sure why he gets so happy when I leave. The last time we hung out, we had a great time and nothing came up, so I don't understand why he'd still be so happy to let me go. We have fantastic physical intimacy, but I've been suspecting that he's cheating for a while, and I'm sort of close to finding out by my own means if he's been faithful (not disclosing what, exactly).
But we've made future plans and he says that he's never going to leave me, and he still tells me that he loves me. I'm just not sure I can take any more at this point.
>>17252548
>In the first couple months that we started seeing each other, he was literally obsessed with me, we talked all the time.
>Now that we're nearing month six, getting him to talk to me is like pulling teeth.
Things were great in the honeymoon phase and now that its over your relationship has fizzled out. First you're close, then you drift apart.
It happens all the time. Sorry.
>>17252554
I really don't think that's what it is though. Like I said, I've given him several opportunities to back out of the relationship or to leave, I still do sometimes. He's chosen to stay every time.
>>17252574
>I really don't think that's what it is though. Like I said, I've given him several opportunities to back out of the relationship or to leave, I still do sometimes. He's chosen to stay every time.
One or more parties being too scared or unable to deal with breaking up doesn't mean your relationship isn't dying. People stick around in dead relationships all the time.
Unless you can come up with a better explanation for why he inexplicably stopped communicating with you, started lying to avoid talking to you and celebrating every time he got away from you you might have to start accepting the possibility that you're in a relationship that isn't going to work out.
Personally, I wouldn't put up with someone treating me like this for even a moment but thats just me.
>>17252593
I've confronted him about all of these things though, and I know that people stay in dead relationships, I've done it before.
Like I said, he's got a ton of emotional baggage, so it's hard to tell with a lot of these things. When we're together, he seems genuinely happy. We'll cuddle in bed forever, I mean, I know that he's happy when I'm around.
Also, the possibility that he's cheating is more than likely.
>>17252623
How do you know he's cheating?
>>17252623
Ok. He's happy, you aren't drifting apart, your relationship isn't dying and everything is just fine. Sounds to me like you don't need any advice. Good luck.
>>17252634
There have been a lot of things adding up, I'm not going to say exactly what though. As I said, I'm close to finding out by my own means.
>>17252636
I'm sorry if I sound like I'm up my own ass right now, I guess it's just that I don't want to accept any of this. I don't want to accept the possibility that I'm probably just an afterthought to him. I don't want to accept that he's pushing me away because he secretly wants out of the relationship. I don't want to accept that he probably doesn't actually love me.
>>17252548
I don't know but... couldn't he be fist-pumping because it was a great successful visit?
>>17252961
He's been happy to let me go. He gets super excited every time I leave, every time he drops me off. It can't be a coincidence.
>>17252548
You are female. You could go out tomorrow and find a new guy that will more than likely enjoy spending time with you. He's not interested in being with you, you suspect he's cheating, he's making excuses not to see you, he acts like you're a burden. You've said you've given him the option to back out and he's refused. It sounds like me you just need to man up and break up with him. Stop looking for the a-ok to break up from him. For all you know he's just interested in the sex now or likes the ego-boost of having a gf, but isn't particulary interested in you anymore. I had a friend who stayed with a girl for 2 years just because of sex and being in a relationship. As soon as he had a new girl lined up, he broke up.
You're looking for signs that make you question yourself like the "we cuddle in bed and he seems happy". That's called being in denial. A girl who was cheating on me seemed happy in my company. Didn't stop her fucking behind my back though.
And the biggest thing? You're female, and chances are at least decent looking. You can find another guy like OP within a week. Don't waste your time on people who act like you're a burden.
>>17253045
As a guy that sits on the opposite end of this story, I get excited when my girlfriend leaves too. Not because shes leaving but because I can just do what I want. You may not even notice it, but he must feel like he has to act a certain way around you, otherwise he will lose you and he doesn't want that, otherwise why would he stick around?
Don't get me wrong, he probably still does love spending time with you, but its time he feels like hes in a cage too.
Think of it like, you are around someone you really want to impress, but you have to fart, but you cant fart in front of them, so you hold it in, for mins, or hours even. After they leave you are just so thankful they are gone, so you can fart to your hearts content. You not happy that they are gone, just happy you can do your own thing without seeming rude or what have you.
