Okay, /adv/ there's a lot of backstory for this, and I'm not quite sure how to parse it down to a to;dr version.
Around this time last year, I started hanging out with two girls from work, as well as one of the girl's boyfriend. Well call the girls A and S, and S's boyfriend Z. S and I were 22, A and Z were 28. S and Z had recently taken in A after her fiancé had kicked her out for cheating on him with a guy we'll call D. After the breakup, A became really adamant about getting with D, despite the fact that he had a girlfriend. Now, I really don't have a lot of friends, and having people inviting me over every day certainly was pleasant. After a while, I had developed something of a crush on A. I never really planned on acting on those feelings, though, and frankly couldn't see such things working out in my favor. There was one night, however, when I was crashing at their place after heavily drinking. They were living in a one bedroom apartment, so A had been sleeping on a single mattress they kept behind the couch. Now, that couch was an uncomfortable piece of furniture, but I had slept on worse before. A however, insisted that I share the mattress with her. At this point, I had yet to even kiss a girl, and, combined with my decision to nip my feelings for her in the bud, I declined. After some prodding at me rejecting the offer, I gave up and told her I had started developing feelings for her. At that, she started making out with me, expressing disappointment that I didn't push things further than that. Still, I stayed on that couch, and she eventually she just up and dragged me from the couch onto the mattress, and we slept like that.
>>16486017
Things continued like this for a couple weeks: I would be invited over, we'd all be drinking, and I'd crash on the mattress with A. One morning, she had tried blowing me, but I was nervous about Z or S catching us, so it really wasn't productive. Then, one night, Z made a proposition: I would have sex with A, while he had sex with S. Now, I knew the three of them had been going at it occasionally, especially since A had been showing an inability to keep it in her pants with people we worked with. By this point, A had been hitting on me when we hung out, pulling down my shirt to check out my chest, or speculating on the size of my penis. But I was drunk, and I figured what the hell, if she was up for it then so was I. The night went... alright. It being my first time, I eventually got nervous and started pushing rope.
>>16486019
After a few more weeks, A eventually moved into another apartment. I helped her move her stuff, and met her new roommates, W and his girlfriend K. W and K took a liking to me, and A continued to invite me over to hang out. Almost immediately, W and K picked up on the fact that my feelings for A didn't stop at being "friends." W even asked if I'd be upset if he, A, and K had a threeway. I insisted that it really didn't matter what I felt, I wasn't exactly in a relationship with as, nor was I actively pursuing one. At Christmas, A was hospitalized due to blood clots in her legs, related to a pulmonary embolism she'd had the previous year. I decided to be an good friend and visit when I could, especially since W and K could only make it out once, and her ex-fiancé telling her he was glad she was spending Christmas in the hospital. Once the year turned over, and A had been hospitalized a second time, her dad insisted she come back home. I ended up driving her around to The day before she decided whether or not to leave, she invited me over to hang out. I got to her place, and W and K told me she had gone to S and Z's place. I moved over there, to find that the three of them had been having sex. S was mad because A had dominated the session. They invited me to join, and I figured "what the hell." Now, I'm aware that I was rather inexperienced (and still am, to be honest), but I still took A falling asleep on me rather poorly. By that time, Z and S had already finished up. Z walked in, and seeing that A had fallen asleep, woke her up. She immediately started taking off his pants. They had sex, and then I angrily continued what I was doing when Z was done.
>>16486020
The next week, A left. She left with a jacket I had loaned her. I kept correspondence with her, messaging each other at least once every day. It was during this time that she started saying stuff to me like, "If you were older and circumstances were different, I'd scoop you up in a heartbeat," or, "You're one of the strongest people I know." She told me she wore my jacket all the time, and found it comforting because it was mine. This continued until she started dating a guy she met there. I did my best to deal with it, I knew she wasn't my girlfriend or anything. Still didn't stop me from spending $150 to mail the rest of her stuff up for her.
>>16486023
Eventually I got the bright idea to go visit A. It was in a part of the country I had never been before, and I figured I'd at least get to broaden my horizons a little. We planned the visit for a couple months, until two days before I was set to leave. A and S had a fight, because Z had told S that he and A had been having sex regularly. I got caught in this, and A told S and me that she doesn't want anything to do with us. Kind of trapped in this upcoming trip, I figured I might as well figure out how to go about it on my own. The next day, A called me, telling me I was still welcome to go through on our plans. I flew out, and the first day was pretty fun. That is, until I got trashed at her regular bar and got kicked out, but not before drunkenly telling her I loved her. Her friend explained to me that she isn't interested in me like that, and I was taken back to my hotel. The next day, I told her that we should probably have a talk. I figured, as adults, we should be able to talk things out and preempt foreseeable problems. She asked me to at least put it off until after her birthday, because she didn't want it to sour the celebration. I complied, because I figured things wouldn't slip as long as I maintained my composure. Unfortunately, A kept talking about exes, as well as how much she liked the bartender at the bar she hangs out at, neither I was really comfortable with, compounded by an introspective crisis at how upset it made me and how it went against what I thought was the right way to act. Her birthday came, and the celebration started. A abandoned me at the bar for an hour to go smoke pot, going out of her way to say she was going back on including me because she didn't want a repeat of the first night.
>>16486025
That didn't sit right to me, not so much for being excluded from smoking, but the fact that she felt she had to babysit me, and that she had freaked out when her friends pretty much did the same to her. The last day of the visit arrived, and I tried to initiate a talk. A told me she didn't know what I expected, since it was how her friend said, that she wasn't interested, and that she was pissed that I kept getting all moody when she mentioned other guys. She then refused to talk to me, and I spent the last day of the trip angrily sitting in my hotel room.
About a month later, my birthday arrived. I had gotten fired from my job a couple weeks before, so I opted for a smaller celebration, consisting solely of me, two of the guys, and a decent amount of booze. Now, I hadn't gotten drunk since I got back from visiting A, so I was looking forward to getting trashed. The night went alright; I got drunk, I accidentally lit myself on fire, I had fun. I behaved pretty well, not drunk texting people (a bad habit I picked up when I started really getting drunk). Well, that is until I got home where I proceeded to text A that, "if [she] were here! I would fuck [her] brains out." A did not take this well, ignoring me when I tried to apologize. After I realized I was being ignored, I got mad and told her that I found it hypocritical that she expected people to just forgive her after she hit on the bartender right in front of his wife and everyone in the bar, but me sending one message privately got radio silence.
>>16486027
That was all for a month, and we mutually apologized. Things went okay from there, though we didn't talk as often nor for as long from then. Then, A told me she was trying to get with D. Well, she more told me she wasn't sure how I'd react, and I figured it out (it wasn't a stretch). Now, I knew that D not only was living half a country away, and was back on heroin, and had been trying to get S to sleep with him, but was also still with the girlfriend he was with when he was sleeping with A. I told her I didn't recommend that course of action. The conversation escalated into the next day, until I told her that I really didn't understand where I stood with her; she would get defensive when I limited myself to being a friend, but the second I acted like I didn't want to be friend zoned, she would freak out. Not that I really ever wanted a relationship with her. Hell, even when S and Z thought I did, they both kept bringing up that it would be a bad idea. Now, regarding D, I wasn't the first person to tell A he was a bad idea. In fact, S, Z, W, and K all had the same sentiment. But then again, A wasn't talking to any of them anymore. Telling A I didn't know where I stood with her opened up a can of worms, including her friend messaging me that she is t interested, that I'm scum for trying to break her and D up, and that I should be happy for her.
>>16486029
Another month passed. I ended up drunk texting A a couple times, because alcohol and good decisions are mutually exclusive. Nothing I sent was anything more than, "yo, I'm drunk right now." I had been working to get over her since before she got together with D. Recently, as the weather started to turn, I brought up reimbursing her for sending me my jacket. It's one of the three material possessions that has any sentimental value for me. She responded by telling me that, with her dad recently being hospitalized, and her breaking things off with D, she didn't want my drunken belligerence. Firstly, I had no way of knowing either of those, since up I hadn't been talking to her, and I don't talk with D. Second, I was stone sober when I sent that. I backed off a bit, because her dad being in the hospital was a pretty serious thing, and I offered to talk when things cooled off.
>>16486030
Now, through all of this, I had been keeping S in on the loop, talking with her about the emotional roller coaster I was putting myself through. I had found out she and Z had told A that she was just using me, and she knew she was, as well as other unsavory actions she had taken that didn't directly involve me. Frankly, this made me feel pathetic and unattractive, that the only reason she ever acted like my friend and said the nice things she did was to keep me as a hanger-on. Last night, S invited me over to vent and play some Magic the Gathering. I mentioned that I doubted A would return my jacket. During the venting part, S had gotten access to my phone, and sent A a message saying "I want my jacket back now. It's the only thing I want, and you are trash."
So, what do I do now? What should I get out of this? Should I be mad at A, S, or myself?
Wall o' text.
I'm way too mentally challenged to read all of that, sorry OP.
