I'm 24, halfway to 25. This is very near the age I wanted to be married at and I wanted children within only a year or two after that. But not only am I not married, I'm, as of fairly recently, no longer with the person I thought I would eventually marry. I'm not going to talk bad about my ex, there was no cheating, nothing like that, we just didn't work out. I'm not over them or ready to start dating other people let alone jump into a long term relationship, and I'm unwilling to rush into marriage or children once I do because I take that level of commitment very seriously.
I'm also at a particularly isolating point in my life. I've recently lost my closest friend due to him developing unrequited feelings for me, most of my other friends are friends of my ex first and mine second or people I've grown apart from over the years so I seldom talk to them anymore. I'm struggling to make new friends plus I have some degree of social anxiety and difficulty transitioning from acquaintanceship into friendship. Most of the people I work with are much older than me so even though I talk to them and like them, they're not the kind of people I want to befriend anyway.
My life is far, far off track from where I want it to be and the goals I have for myself but I don't really know how to go about achieving them.
You set yourself for disappointment. Instead of taking things as they come you decided to set goals that make zero sense other than "I just want things to be like this or that" and then expected for life to change at your whim. It doesn't work like that. You're supposed to take things as they come, plans never work as thought.
Don't hurry to marry and make a life, wait for the right person to come and work it out with her. Only when you're 1000% certain she's the one, marry. Otherwise just let things happen.
>>17243505
My goals in life are marriage, family, a wide social circle of friends, and home ownership. I would like to have time with my husband before I rush into children and 2-3 children before any of the risks associated with having children later in life goes up. It makes sense to be married by at least 30 the latest because of that, and I've always felt like mid-late 20s, around 26 or 26, would be an ideal range to shoot for.
These are the things that matter to me. Some people want a fancy car, some people want to travel, some people want to be a published author. If you want something you don't "just let things happen", you pursue it and if the plans get messed up along the way, you figure out how to adjust for that if they're still what you want. And they are still what I want.
>Don't hurry to marry and make a life
>Only when you're 1000% certain she's the one, marry.
I specifically said I wouldn't marry or have children if I was anything less than dead certain. I take marriage enormously seriously.
>>17243527
>a wide social circle of friends
Should be wide social circle/wide circle of friends.
>around 26 or 26
Should be 26 or 27.
>>17243527
>My goals in life are marriage, family, a wide social circle of friends, and home ownership
>I would like to have time with my husband before I rush into children and 2-3 children before any of the risks associated with having children later in life goes up.
Look, I totally agree with you here, and I even share your same goals, incredibly enough. And I'm 27, so I understand where you're coming from.
>It makes sense to be married by at least 30 the latest because of that, and I've always felt like mid-late 20s, around 26 or 26, would be an ideal range to shoot for.
Aaaand here is where we fall. See, the issue is not the plan itself but your approach to it. You want a goal, yes, that's perfectly okay. But the issue is how you're trying to go about your goal. You're saying "things should be like this and this so my plan is perfectly and neatly set up". I'm going to give you an example on how this doesn't work.
Let's suppose this situation. Tomorrow I gotta work, and it's near 3 am where I live. So if I enter work at 9 am, and I take 1 hour commuting and 1 hour getting up and ready, I should wake up at 7, right? Let's set up an alarm at 6.45 and follow the plan!
Everything goes okay until I go and take my train. Suddenly, someone says that the train is taking a half an hour delay because of an accident in the rails. The whole plan goes down the drain and now I'm forced to get to work late!
What I'm trying to say is, it's not the goal itself but the plans that are set in stone. Having the ability to change your plans as circumstances change will ensure success. And given life hasn't gone on as you thought it would, it's time to change the course of action. That's what I meant with taking things as they come - you never know what's going to happen, so you gotta adapt.
Also my apologies for responding this late, I didn't see you posted.
>>17243578
I'm a female. There are health issues associated with giving birth later on in life plus the increased risk of autism and down syndrome. I work with children for a living and so does my mother. I've personally met children that are incapable of speaking and need to wear diapers past the age of 10 due to autism. Who hit and kick and bite and don't know right from wrong on any level. They will never outgrow that, never learn to function or be able to take care of themselves. Their parents are going to have to figure out how to ensure their children are cared for once they die. I want the lowest possible chance of my children having that future for themselves and me having the worries those parents do.
>And given life hasn't gone on as you thought it would, it's time to change the course of action. That's what I meant with taking things as they come - you never know what's going to happen, so you gotta adapt.
That's what this thread is about. You're not telling me anything I don't know. The last sentence of the OP is asking how I ought to go about achieving the goals I have.
>>17243598
>There are health issues associated with giving birth later on in life plus the increased risk of autism and down syndrome.
I know that perfectly well. You're 24, and the age where things start to get bad is 35, more or less. Which means you've got approximately 10 years - 8 if you don't want to hit the limit. You've still got plenty time, so don't fret. Enjoy life and things will happen.
>The last sentence of the OP is asking how I ought to go about achieving the goals I have.
By not rushing. If a guy likes a girl, he's told to not rush it or make it too obvious or he'll have no chance with her, right? Same with life. If you want something, don't rush it or your chances will go away. Take the chances as they come, but don't force them!
If you're expecting a more set in stone plan, don't. All you gotta do is to meet the right guy, and friends? ... Get a psychologist to work with your social anxiety.
>>17243612
>the age where things start to get bad is 35
Which is why I want to be married by 30 the absolute latest. I'd like 2-3 children and I don't want to rush from one kid to the next with no breathing space between them. I want to have a family, not a breeding factory.
>By not rushing.
I'm not rushing. I already covered that in the OP and twice more now. I would not press for marriage. Ever. I would sooner never date again than press for marriage.
I want a course of action to go about achieving my goals. The same way you'd tell someone who wants to be a published author to practice writing every day, read every day, and look into what it takes to get published. Or tell someone who wants to be a lawyer to go to law school and then give tips on making connections. I want advice for achieving my goals, specifically because they are ones I struggle with, as I mentioned in the OP.
Socializing is not something that comes naturally to me even though it's something I feel very strongly driven to do. I don't want to sit on my ass and wait for opportunities to come to me, I don't want to wait for someone to introduce themselves and tell me "let's be friends" or "will you be my girlfriend". This isn't school, I don't have that luxury anymore. I want to go out and make my own opportunities. I want to be proactive. I don't know how to create my own opportunities constructively. I have trouble transitioning from acquaintance to friend, and by extent from acquaintance to relationship. If I sit on my ass and wait for someone to come to me I'll be dead before I've gotten any new friends, much less achieved my goals.
>>17243628
Let's try something else. What are your interests?
You think way too rigidly about your goals and this is what prevents you from achieving them, because faliure to achieve them makes you anxious and dissapointed. You have to be more opportunistic, give people and situations a chance of working out and you need to put yourself more out there and initiate more. Live more for the moment and less in your head, and opportunities will arise naturally.
Look for places where you can meet people your age, and people you can befriend.
Autism only have a significantly increased risk above 35 if the father is not too old, so you still have a lot of time.
>>17243633
>You think way too rigidly about your goals and this is what prevents you from achieving them, because faliure to achieve them makes you anxious and dissapointed.
Wow thank you this is what I've been trying to say this whole time!
>>17243628
Unfortunately, you've picked life goals that require another party. Even actively pursuing relationships, you might not find someone you wish to raise a family with unless you're okay with compromising/settling. It's not to say failure is guaranteed by any means, but you must acknowledge that the possibility is real for you to never have children.
That said, finding a partner is seldom some magical connection where the stars align and whatever. You've got to bruteforce it like a 12 year old trying to log into someone's WoW account. Keep pursuing things and people that interest you until something sticks.
>>17243631
Cooking, MTG, walks. I'm flexible though, I wouldn't mind trying to do new things in the pursuit of meeting people if that's what you're getting at. I like doing things even if they're not specifically interests of mine.
>>17243633
I don't typically think this way. In day to day interaction with people this doesn't cross my mind once. I'm thinking this way for the context of this thread.
>You have to be more opportunistic, give people and situations a chance of working out and you need to put yourself more out there and initiate more.
I try to be. I have trouble talking to the people I work with and parents beyond small talk or things necessary for work, or figuring out an appropriate response to something they say quickly enough that the opportunity to discuss it isn't lost.
>Look for places where you can meet people your age, and people you can befriend.
I honestly don't know where to do that. Very few 20 somethings live in my county, the cost of living here is astronomical. I'm only able to live here because I live with my family still. There's one 20-something and a few 30-somethings I work with, most people are 40+, and most groups on meetup.com for my area are specifically for middle aged people. I would love some suggestions of where to meet people roughly my age.
>>17243640
I agree with everything you said, just not sure how to go about trying to achieve my goals.
I'm a 27 year old woman in the same rut. Here's my plan.
I'm already a bit of a social media guru, so here's what I'm doing
> I "follow" companies or organizations that have lots of interaction with their customers or clients
> Note: these have to be "good" companies, ie, ones that make me look like good wife material
> 1. Follow the local grocery store, City Hall, the public library, local politicians
> 2. Take social media pics that will get retweeted, reposted
> You're a girl, you know what I'm talking about
> Picture of me with ALDI chicken + picture of me with my cooked yummy click
> Tweet it to ALDI
> get retweeted
> Take a picture of me reading a poetry book from the public library
> heehehee just enjoying my book from the Public library!
> Public library retweets it
> Notice a local politician doing nice thing, and take a picture of me with him, and make sure the politician is smiling in photo
> Post it to Facebook and politician shares it
> Do that often enough, and people will invite you to parties because you're the social media girl
> Meet cute guy
> get married!
Just in case you're wondering, yes, this strategy worked in the past too, when I was the "social media photographer official happy girl" in uni
>>17243660
Btw, almost every organization has a Facebook or Twitter nowadays. So you can keep up to date on their events (read: parties that you can meet respectable men) and go to them
Hell, it's better than OKCupid/Tinder or even Meetup
>>17243655
You sound insecure and afraid to get people close to you. What is it that makes you feel this way? You said you used to have friends, how did you manage to be close to them, keep an interesting conversation with them?
Anxiety make people slow a bit, but since you're a girl that's not a big deal. Anxiety can be cute if you aren't aggressive about hiding it, or not a clingy creeper and you look good, so don't mind being more outgoing, even if it means more awkwardness, it's cute.
Somehow those people became 30 and 40 and before that they were 20 somethings. You just need to look.
>>17243660
Jeez. That sounds like a full time job.
>>17243684
>What is it that makes you feel this way?
I'm afraid of judgement. I'm not nearly as afraid of it as I used to be, I've worked hard on minimizing my social anxiety and dealing with my depression but I still struggle with them both every day. I used to be a hikikomori for a long time. and I'd been a NEET for an even longer time too. I can pass for being well-adjusted with other people but the truth is, I'm not. People like me and I don't come across as painfully awkward but I seldom approach them for more than the most barebones of small talk. I'm proud of where I've come but I don't really know how to get to where I want to go.
>You said you used to have friends, how did you manage to be close to them, keep an interesting conversation with them?
Once I'm comfortable with someone it's easy, I'm not anxious around them at all and I can just talk and interact with them naturally.
>but since you're a girl that's not a big deal.
It really is, much of the time where someone is talking to me I don't know what to say and I don't say anything or I cut things short because I run out of things I can think of to talk about that are appropriately neutral. It's not stumbling over my words or anything like that.
>Somehow those people became 30 and 40 and before that they were 20 somethings.
The area I live is the kind of place people move to when they're ready to settle down and raise a family. The cost of living here is 300%+ the national average for the US. There are a bunch of cool free events here and I go to them sometimes. But I don't see anyone my age at them and even if I did I wouldn't know how to approach them.
>>17243730
Oh, my bad. Unlike everything else in life, getting a life partner is just something that happens with no effort or time commitment on your part.
Carry on whining about being socially retarded at parties.
>>17243465
My only advice is to stop operating on a schedule. Love just happens.
>>17243737
I'm not whining about my situation. I'm trying to answer your questions and explain my problems and shortcomings to you so you can better help me and provide me with advice that I'll be able to put to good use. I'm willing to put forth effort. I WANT to put forth effort. I got a job after being a NEET for six fucking years. I went outside after over a year of not leaving my house or speaking to anyone, including online. That's not the kind of thing someone who didn't want to put forth effort would do.
>I'm proud of where I've come but I don't really know how to get to where I want to go.
Does this really read as someone who doesn't want to better themselves?
>Unlike everything else in life, getting a life partner is just something that happens with no effort or time commitment on your part.
I don't know what gave the impression I think that.
>Carry on whining about being socially retarded at parties.
What?
>>17243756
> much of the time where someone is talking to me I don't know what to say and I don't say anything or I cut things short because I run out of things I can think of to talk about that are appropriately neutral.
see, that's being socially retarded
> I don't know what gave the impression I think that [getting a life partner is just something that happens with no effort or time commitment on your part]
The fact that I have told you a pretty good way of getting into social circles without a ton of social interaction, and all you can answer is more whining about being a former NEET and how it's a "full time job"
>>17243771
>see, that's being socially retarded
Yeah, that's what I was trying to convey. That I am. So I need more remedial advice than meet people and talk to people because interacting with and talking to people doesn't come naturally to me.
>and how it's a "full time job"
That was meant to be taken as a light hearted response to what was said. I didn't want to ignore that post after you'd taken the time to write it all out, especially when I'm responding to every other one that says something new. It wasn't my intent to offend you.
>>17243781
Whatever hun, it's your life. Don't take my advice then.
>>17243785
I'm sorry I couldn't come up with something better to say that meets your approval? Just because I replied with a joke doesn't mean I didn't read your advice and consider it. I replied to make it clear that I hadn't passed over what was said since I had nothing in particular to say to it.
I got married at 24 and it's not so amazing
I can't stop thinking about other girls
>>17243808
Sure, I told you what you wanted out of this thread, ie, how to achieve the goals you set for yourself. But wow, it's just so hard and like a full time job.
It's all right that you have nothing to say to it. You're probably more interested in complaining about your current situation anyway.
>>17243823
In my opinion monogamy and a healthy marriage/relationship is something you have to actively pursue, even once you're together. Then again, I'm not married and I don't really know anything about your situation or if they're fleeting thoughts or verging on emotional cheating.
>>17243825
I wonder why you have to resort to tweeting pictures of yourself with chicken to companies in the hopes of meeting men. I would've thought someone as kind and helpful as yourself would have men lining up to meet them. If you're having trouble, what hope is there for someone as socially retarded as me?
>>17243862
Again with the defeatist whining. I'm pretty sure this is a pity party troll thread. But I'll respond to the bait.
It's called widening your social circle. The technique works the same for wallflowers and Stacys. If you think that being active on social media is beneath you, then you don't have to do it. Continue doing whatever you're doing right now. It clearly has led to great results.
>>17243881
>Again with the defeatist whining.
I know this is the internet and that tone is lost in text but I thought the sarcasm came through pretty clear in what I wrote there. I don't think it's hopeless for me. At all.
I don't think social media is beneath me. I'm willing to do it. I responded to her post initially because I wanted her to know I'd read her post and considered it. I hate when people ignore good advice in threads and didn't want to do that to anyone in my thread. But I didn't have anything to say to her that I thought was worth saying. So I made what was intended to be a light hearted joke about all the trouble she goes through to make other people include her. I even apologized about it - twice - after she initially took offense.
>>17243730
>I'm afraid of judgement.
Why? What do you think people want from you that makes you acceptable, that you couldn't provide?
>It really is, much of the time where someone is talking to me I don't know what to say and I don't say anything or I cut things short because I run out of things I can think of to talk about that are appropriately neutral.
Be kind and empathetic and just react to what they say. This is mostly what people want from women.
>The area I live is the kind of place people move to when they're ready to settle down and raise a family. The cost of living here is 300%+
Then move. Your parents coddled you all your life, now it's time to start your own independent life. If you don't take the first step, take risk and do something to change your life, you will grow old in your room alone.
