Me and my GF:
>4years together
>we are each others first partner
The Situation:
My Girlfriend is into music and playing guitar. She recently got to know a guy who works at the local music shop. They probably have a good chemistry togehter, you know, like, when you can just talk and have fun with someone with ease. She went to two concerts of him and a month ago I checked her phone. She was flirting with him on instagram, and on facebook his name was the most searched term in the last month. I also read a chat with her best friend where she asks my gf if that guy wants something from her, and my gf answered that he probably does. A week or so later when we didn't see each other she was on her phone the whole day every 20-30 minutes or so.
I confronted her with everything and asked her if she was texting with him the whole day, she answered yes. I told her she should fucking stop it. She said that i'm too jealous and don't want her to have male friends and that i'm insecure just because she doesn't know him for that long. I confronted her with his romantic interest, with the secret meeting, with the flirting, with the facebook search. I told her if that was what she regarded as a normal friendship with a male that she should give me the OK to do the same with other girls. Well, she didn't want that and started crying
The last three weeks after that she's practically been on her phone 24/7, wich she usually isn't. Yesterday she acted really strange and I couldn't help but check her phone again.
She was texting with him the whole three weeks from morning till evening and bought concert tickets so they could go together next week, just the two of them.
So I read their chat, and talked to her best friend this morning. I think my girlfriend isn't interested in sex or a relation with him, but in the thrill of meeting someone and getting to know them in that way.
Cont.
>>17237206
Cont.
Now, she didn't tell me yet that she's going out with me, but it just doesn't go into my head why she would do what she does.
I don't want to break up in the next two months at least, but if it goes further with those two i'm going to do it.
Honestly, it's tearing me apart and i couldn't sleep the whole night. How do I confront her now? What she does is clearly wrong, her best friend who really supported our relationship offered to have a talk with her.
I already told her to stop it but she took it even further. I want to scream when I think about it.
Should I go on with the "you do it, so i can do it too? Just have the whole talk with her again, and reveal that i'm a controlling faggot?
Guys I need your fucking help here ;___;
>>17237206
TLDR:
>GF meeting and chatting with guy behind my back
>he's interested in her
>I told her to stop
>she wouldn't fucking stop
>>17237219
I would just end the relationship.
No discussion. Just inform her of the fact.
You can make it easier by collecting her shit at your place and collecting yours if any before the moment. Cut the cord bro.
There's no reason past HS for her to be making friends with and hanging out with a male friend, especially by herself. Unless she sees him as a potential mate.
>>17237290
Also considering she's already in a relationship with you. What she's doing is incredibly shady and disrepectful.
Bad news, they're not friends, they have a crush on each other.
Good news, it's common and nothing horrible or incredibly hard to deal with.
It happens, especially if you have a long term and things aren't going that great + you have poor communication skills with your partner. Instead of working on your relationship, you seek what you miss in your partner in someone else - the excitement, the validation, the approval of a new relationship while keeping the safety of the long term one.
You can either dump her, if you think this is a big issue, or talk to her and work things out. In order to do that, she needs to cut contact with him first, to "choose" you. Then you two need to spend time together and work on your relationship: date, talk, take a couple of hours a day to spend just with each other, do fun activities together, have tons of sex, cuddle, start doing some hobby together. Try to give her what she needs, and tell her what you need.
That's horrible guy, you're making it worse by going through her phone, stop. You're not a controlling abusive faggot, she's doing something very disrespectful but don't put on a big display and not really be willing to dump her. If you really wanted to leave, you'd show her the messages and be gone.
Now if you want it to possibly work and not be left high and dry(aka dumped), you're going to have to hang out with other women, get you a couple of female texting buddies and go out on dates. JUST INCASE, shit hits the fan. Don't sit in suffering and silence. Tell her you're going to date other women. Go out and try to get numbers.
>>17237316
>talk to her and work things out.
He already attempted that. She continued with this behaviour.
Why isn't she going to concerts with you?
Anyway the fact that she in in a relationship with you probably makes seeing this skeeze more exciting. Probably wouldn't last long if she went with him. But aye she probs knows what she's doing isn't fair on you so no point arguing with her. If you can tolerate that shit going on then stick it out and if you can't then you're gonna have to reach an ultimatum.
Bonus fun: Start hanging out with another girl in the same wway
Just consider the relationship over and start making your escape plan. Just have sex and have fun while trying to meet other women and when it ends you will be ready to move on.
>>17237350
We have a different taste in music and I usually never go to concerts. Went to some with her and enjoyed it. But she said she didn't want to go with me to concerts anymore because we couldn't really share the passion and that it worsened the experience of the concert for her.
>>17237368
*she said that it worsened
>>17237206
Bro what. She is emotionally cheating on you and then you caught her doing it again. No idea why you haven't dumped the bitch. There is no justification or respect in what she is doing. She doesn't care that you found out and that you don't like it. She cries because she gets in trouble that's it move on. If my guy did this Oh man.
>>17237379
Fucking this.
If my bf was doing this AND NOT STOPPING I would go batshit crazy. Tell him to stop or goodbye. Wtf.
>>17237343
He should try again, or at least I would. In my opinion the "if you do it I will do it" is a pretty childish way to deal with it.
I have nothing against my partner having friends of the opposite gender as long as they are friends. If they have a romantic relationship without the sex, I'm not fine with it.
But if she is disrespectful and doesn't care, moving on might be the best option.
Unfortunately, by telling her to stop you only pushed her further away from you. In a relationship, you can never control people and make them stop doing something they want to do, even if it's wrong. You just have to tell them you don't like when they do it, explain why, and if they continue - end it. Also, reading chats and going through her phone just makes you look even more controlling, and pushes her away further.
It sounds like there is definitely a romantic interest between them, but she is just toeing the line to see how far she can take the "just friends" thing and escalate the sexual tension. It sucks that you were put in this situation. Since you've already voiced your concerns and your gf clearly isn't taking them into consideration, my advice is to just end it. No threats, no ultimatums, no "me or him" talk - just rip the bandaid off.
I'm sorry she's putting you through this, but you have every right to be with someone who respects and understands why you wouldn't want them to do what she's doing. The fact that she admitted she wouldn't like to be in your shoes just highlights her hypocrisy. Drop her and focus on something more positive in your life.
>>17237474
Hrs not controlling. He had every right to do and say what he did. That's part of being in a relationship. I never understand how people can justify Oh don't look through their stuff because it'd not okay even tho you are finding out they are cheating!!
>>17237383
What about her buying concert tickets and going with him? Just the fucking two of them. I could talk to her normally if she'd just texted him the whole time. But this makes me explode. It's just unacceptable
The sad thing is that this is almost guaranteed to happen to everyone that's in a long term relationship. That's why counselors always tell you that "romantic" love is never enough. Chances are that you WILL fall for someone again at some point in the relationship, and chances are it don't be your significant other or spouse.
At that point, what determines whether the relationship breaks or not depends on the two people in it. If they value everything they've built and are willing to face the problem head-on, then the relationship survives and gets even stronger because once you've hit that situation and gotten past it, you know that CAN get past it and that is just another phase in your overall relationship.
>>17237487
Part of being in a relationship is invading someone's privacy based on your own paranaoia and insecurity? Ok buddy.
What if he had gone through her texts and found just innocent conversations about how much she loves her boyfriend? Would it still be find to go through her stuff? Two wrongs don't make a right. People who think like you get cheated on and broken up with.
>>17237206
Treating your gf like she's already cheating is the best way to make her cheat. If she genuinely wasn't going to when you looked through her phone, she is now.
>>17237510
No. Part of vein gin a relationship is allowing access to things like this without a second thought because you don't keep secrets from your partner.
>>17237508
First time I wanted to talk to her she blocked me, saying she didn't want to talk about it.
I talked to her and said that I want it to stop. She didn't respect that. I wish she would stop. Because I did when I noticed female friends falling for me and wanting to occupie me.
We just can't fucking go through this
>>17237511
You obviously didn't read the ops two posts.
>>17237254
Sounds easy but we have feelings for each other. We've gone through ups and downs through 4 years. Can't just walk away
>>17237519
You got good advice from two femanons. Why are you nor following it?
>>17237206
ZERO "talks", ZERO threats.
I explained this to you on /b/; the advice here won't change.
>>17237518
Unless they had some sort of agreement where she let OP look at her texts whenever he wants, it's wrong and dishonest to go through her phone without her knowledge. Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you automatically get full access to their private conversations. Yes, partners should be honest with each other, but they should also have the freedom to choose what information they share with each other. Even if OPs gf is in the wrong by flirting with some guy, it's still wrong to be nosing through her personal affairs.
Basically what >>17237511 said.
>>17237379
Ugh, the fucking crying. Makes you feel like you're in the wrong, but she knows that she's wrong.
>>17237520
Yeah I did. OP is just making this guy tastier by turning him into forbidden fruit and making drama.
If she isn't already cheating, him doing this will make cheating super appealing because he's acting like a little bitch. As right as he is to be upset about it, there's nothing more unappealing than a guy acting like he is now.
As the other anons have already said, the only clean solution here is to break up with her. There's a small chance that she'll come running back to him because hindsight is 20/20.
>>17237547
You read the op? Obviously didn't because she is already emotionally cheating.
>>17237547
>acting like a little bitch
I thought i had a relationship where we respect each others boundaries and could talk. I did my part, she isn't doing hers now. It was fucking hurtful. Just breaking up without flinching after 4 years isn't that easy
>>17237558
>Emotionally cheating = spending time with a guy who isn't her bf
See, guys like you are exactly the kind of person that gets cheated on. You're so insecure that any other male immediately becomes competition to you, and when you voice this insecurity in the form of "I don't want you hanging out with him anymore" it just makes you sound extremely bitchmade and unattractive.
Girls like a man with confidence who is able to trust her and give her freedom and space, because he isn't worried about her cheating with some noodle arm beta orbiter.
Instead, guys like you make the orbiter out to be serious competition that could steal his girl, and it makes him even more appealing - because he becomes a forbidden fruit as >>17237547 said, and because you look like a pussy for showing off your insecurities. Acting like that is the best way to get a girl to cheat on you. Whining about "emotionally cheating" is completely subjective and a total pussy beta boy move
>>17237565
>I thought i had a relationship where we respect each others boundaries and could talk
Yes. So you looked through her phone on a vague hunch without her permission and then confronted her about what you found. That is precisely the opposite of what you described above and acting like a little bitch.
When you confronted her with information you obtained deviously, you pushed her into his arms.You showed her that she can't trust you, that she can't have close friendships without you getting jealous and violating her privacy, that if she wants to do what she wants she has to hide it from you.
>>17237577
Uh. She's flirting with other people. That's called cheating anon.
>>17237587
No adult who has ever been in a serious relationship thinks that flirting constitutes cheating. Nice b8 m8.
>>17237577
I'm a girl and I would have no issue with my partner looking through my phone. I don't care if guys are confident or not. It's your job as the second party to help your loved one become the best person they can be. Flaws and all. Of course some aren't okay, like cheating. You don't speak for me.
>>17237589
Go back to your basement /r9k/ fiend
This is going to end with her cheating on you or leaving you. It should happen within a month. It sucks but it is so obvious. She doesn't respect you. I know this shit, I'm a girl.
If you try to keep her she will get anxious and run to him.
If you try to ignore her she will get sad and run to him.
I think your best bet is her friend. Try to get her to talk to the gf, tell her that she is being a bitch towards you. If she won't stop well you know what is going to happen. And if for some magical reason she drops him (or more like he drops her), will you still want to be with someone who is this shady and can't even tell you they have a crush on someone? Fucking honesty man, where has it gone..
Good luck, you have tough times ahead.
>>17237590
You would be okay with someone going through your stuff without your permission, based on a paranoid hunch that you might be cheating, because it would be "helping you to be a better person" ? You want to be forbidden from speaking to other guys because it could be seen as flirting?
If you need that kind of control in your life, that's fine, but in my experience people tend to enjoy freedom and trust more than control and projected insecurity.
>>17237595
>/r9k/
>Being okay with women having any sort of freedom or autonomy
You could have at tried to pick a more appropriate board.
>>17237602
It's not about control. It's that if that's what makes them feel better sure. I will try to make them trust me more but if looking at my phone time to time helps them then that's fine. Being cheated on can really mess people up.
>>17237611
at least*
>>17237615
Someone like OP is not going to give you the opportunity to "Let" Them look though, they will go behind your back and do it. Which if you're okay with, whatever. But it's unhealthy as fuck and you're not "Helping them be a better person" by being okay with destructive behaviours like this. Just because it makes them feel better doesn't mean it's the right way to help them grow as a person.
And nine times out of ten they are going to find something to blow out of proportion and get angry at you for, regardless of how innocent your phone contents is. i.e. speaking to another person of the opposite gender.
>>17237621
And as I said, I'm okay with that. I don't mind. I know how hard being cheated on is and I know it's difficult to feel okay if you already have low self esteem or social anxiety. Like I said, if they want to do that to feel better that's fine. I'd hope they'd tell me so I could help them get over their trust issues with me and their insecurities. Tender loving care is what they need.
>>17237290
I'm continually reminded how petty /adv/ is by posts like this. I don't only hang out with women because I see them as potential mates. My girlfriend doesn't only hang out with men she sees as potential mates. I think the reason there are so many posts on /adv/ about relationships is because none of you actually trust your partners.
As for OP, saying 'w-well then it's fine for me to do it!' is a childish way to handle this. Your GF is in the wrong, but you should've phrased this like an adult, not like a kid who didn't get as many cookies as his big sister. Your girlfriend is honestly more interested in the excitement that comes from the attention from somebody else than she is with fucking him. That's probably because 4 years with your first makes you wonder if the grass is greener. Let's be honest, it probably is.
If it's making you this unhappy, leave the relationship because you'll both end up discontent, trying to salvage a dead relationship. If you can both handle the situation like an adult, work on it with her but don't let her get away with everything. Stay firm on the compromise you make.
OP here, i've been crying uncontrollably for the last two hours.
Probably going to break up on friday
>>17237650
;___; poor anon
>>17237368
You two should really just break up. If she's cutting you out of activities like that, you really aren't meant to be together. Stop staying in the relationship out of complacency. You can both find somebody more compatible.
>>17237499
Well she already said she can't go with you, maybe she wants somebody to go to concerts with and fuck in the bathroom. It's a natural want.
>>17237216
Well you've tried to make her understand how this is making you feel OP. I think that as soon as a partner does something with someone else that they wouldn't do in-front of their S.O. can be classified as a breach of trust. The fact that she continues running over your trust and really doesn't give a fuck about how you feel about the situation speaks volumes.
>>17237632
Good for you if you're fine with your partner mistrusting you and going behind your back. I still really think that most people wouldn't be OK with that.
>>17237216
>>17237206
Grow a pair of balls and dump her.
It's not jealousy. She's being fucking disrespectful and she cares more about him than you, her bf.
Find someone that won't treat you as pocket change.
>>17237773
This to an extent.
See you're her first and vice versa, you're bound to break up sooner or later.
Nobody goes on to marry their first.
People want new experiences and different people until they feel a need to settle down.
This is bound to happen sooner or later, and her dishonesty is what is wrong here.
Cut the cord.
We mean it.
How old are you, OP?
>>17237524
it's the only way she'll respect you.
Just whatever you do, make it her decision. Frame it as something like that she's in control of the outcome. Some people are drawn to do something if they think it's forbidden.
Just tell her look, you can talk to your friend all you want, see him and everything, but if that's what you want to do then I'm walking out of your life forever. Then just keep your word. It's the same as telling her she can sleep with anyone she wants, but that if you find out about it, she's never going to see you again. It's not a threat, it's not desperate, and it doesn't reek of fear.
The last thing you want is a situation where she has all the power and she loses all respect for you because she knows she can talk with another man and still have you as a backup. Once you're in that position there's no getting out of it. If you break up with her, you hold all the power. You just have to be strong. Women despise when men show fear and if you show her you can't keep your word, she will never ever respect you again.
Believe me, I've experienced both sides in two different relationships. My ex wanted to go on a break to experiment, and I broke up with her right on the spot. She was crushed and wanted me back, but the moment I felt week and 10 days later I contacted her and asked for her to come back. Suddenly all of her begging ended. Her tone completely changed and she was in power. She told me then that she changed her mind and that she was going to sleep with whoever she wanted. She NEEDED to be free, she said. Before she was pleading she was sorry and wanted me back. See how fast that power can shift? It literally changed that very moment.
Having a crush is almost inevitable in a long term relationship, it happens, no need to pretend it doesn't.
But your girlfriend is trash. She doesn't have a single ounce of respect for you. She doesn't care that what she is doing is hurting you. She doesn't care that you're losing sleep. She doesn't care that you're going to have problems trusting her from now on. She doesn't care that you'll have problems trusting other women from now on. All she cares about is the butterflies she gets every time she sees him. She doesn't view you as a human being deserving of dignified treatment, she sees you as a deferred investment. Someone she can keep around to comfort her and make her feel secure when things get scary. You are an object to her.
>>17237206
Kick his ass when she's not around him OP. It's what nature demands. Then dump her. She'll beg you to take her back.
