I was born in Greenville, South Carolina in 1996. I spent the first 6 years of my life in a fairly classical suburban home with my two older siblings and a dog (though it died when I was around five or so. I wasn't bothered by her absence). I was an abnormally quiet baby, only really crying when I needed something. My memories of the place are about as poor as one would expect from life before 7 years old.

At seven, we moved to New Hampshire on supposedly spiritual grounds, and I do not remember whether these were an excuse, but off we went to Newberry, New Hampshire (might be Newbury; don't know.) It was another fairly idyllic suburban life (although not really as happy as the stereotype claims). As far as socialization and friendships go, I didn't really feel much of a connection with anyone despite doing a fair amount of classical "boy best friend" things, which foreshadows some detachment that would remain the status quo. The winter when we were there was apparently the shittiest they'd had in a decade. We also had another dog die, which I remember being slightly relieved about, since I didn't really like how the dog would play (read: teething puppy) with me, though I already knew to keep shut about that kind of thing. The church we attended was a straight-up cult, complete with all of the trimmings of intimidation, blackmail, and a following that whose lives revolved around the leader, which was later exemplified when said leader moved the congregation and most of the church followed him. This prodded my parents to get out, as the cult leader and my mom had a serious disagreement of some kind (or he was trying to have blackmail her for sex or something, I don't remember in much of any detail), but it was becoming clear (to the parents) that it wasn't safe for us there.

Not sure how close I'm getting to the length limit, so cont.

We then moved to Athens, Georgia, and (at my mother's insistence, though I didn't know that at the time) we again pursued the suburban ideal (though my dad wanted the rural ideal, which was very achievable where we were, and made a lot more sense imo). This time, though, things went a bit poorly; Dad had employment, but it wasn't getting him much (it was a commission job in a dried up market), and Mom had decided to go back to college, which put our financially insolvent family into more trouble (though she did at least utilize all of the scholarships she could). At this point, Mom's stress made her inaccessible to 7/8 year old me, as talking with her was like walking in a minefield of risking offending her, and this caused (or so I theorize) my siblings to become desperate for her attention (my sister started crying for no reason and getting sick/anorexic, and my brother had an abnormally far-out rebellion phase, which only made Mom's stress worse, as practically every weekend was another pregnancy scare.) and had become very competitive, which was terrible for the youngest, as I was subject of some bullying, would never be taken seriously, and was the least capable of standing up for myself. I began to seclude myself, and my view of interpersonal relationships was skewed to hell in back. When third grade came around I did much better socially; I had about five friends, and was on good terms with pretty much everybody, though I was held back by a conception that people would hate me if I lost contact with them for any period longer than a day (a mentality I still struggle with, to the extent that I even /friendship/ at all anymore). Fourth grade got a lot worse though as I grew to very deeply resent adults in general, feeling that they were a naive and complacent class of people with no real sympathy for children, and a general dismissiveness for them. Additionally, cont.

>>17228705
Additionally, my parents divorced and my dad moved away (for work, so that he could continue to support all of us (even mom)), and I started to feel trapped inside of childhood, spending my afternoons fantasizing about being left alone as an adult (an ideal that I've finally almost achieved), and at one point having a breakdown (the only one I have ever had, publically or privately. I have never again been as distraught) because I felt so trapped. When I went to the counselor, she was frustratingly dense, and would avoid confronting any real issues. I came out resenting adults even more. Throughout this time, I also noticed that I couldn't understand my peers at all, and to this day, children are still a weird, alien thing to me. I can relate to most teenagers or adults easily, but children are as opaque as a black hole to me. (On a minor note, I also lost almost all of my recess for that year of school because I couldn't bring myself to read a book and we had to read a book a week and weren't allowed to switch, so around the fourth week of school, I picked up an unbearably boring book and never put it back down. More sadly, however, I preferred being barred from the playground because I didn't feel like I had to maintain a reputation if nobody was seeing/thinking about me, which was a practice that would carry on for a long time.) Although not that important by itself, it indicates a lot that my mother would put me at the pool at opening (during the summer before fifth grade) and pick me up usually ten to fifteen minutes after closing, which gave me something like 60 hours of swimming per week, yet in all of that time, I hardly so much as conversed with another poolgoer.

The next few years are roughly the same, though one common theme is that everybody was incredibly fond of me for some reason; people in middle school would always ask me if I remembered them from elementary and talk about it as though we had been best friends or something. cont.

>>17228751
Around seventh grade, my mother married my step-dad, and he's a ridiculously good catch. He had (has) a prestigious tech job, and is so kind it can be hard to believe. For my twelfth birthday, he got me a domain name, and I decided to do something about my dislike for Facebook, and started a forum for friends from school to chat on, which I administrated (and, of course, heavily modified, developing increasingly legit games as my programming skills got better) for a few years, although eventually it died, and I contributed to the open source community with doggish fervor until my mother told me that I needed to get out more and forbade it (though the truth was actually that my grades were slipping because I was neglecting schoolwork for this passion, which was actually a much more legitimate reason, and I think I would have taken the truth much better than the "softening" lie. Then again, I can't really blame them; they knew that I knew that I had horrible grades, and probably assumed that no push would have been sufficient. (It helps that my teachers were all very obviously frustrated and disappointed by such a huge waste of potential. After I was torn away from this, I fell into back into my old rhythm of waiting to grow up. In the summer of seventh grade, I had a particularly bad funk in which (I had just moved to the basement, largely because I was under the impression that people would have hate/scorn/jealousy of anyone who was well off. I also took to sleeping on the (concrete) floor during this time because I couldn't stand either following the flow or being seen as lucky. (Probably helps that I listened to Tupac almost exclusively at the time, who was the king of resenting people who were well off.) I became reluctant to go upstairs because Mom was still a mess, and although my brother had moved out (went into the Navy), my sister was still there, and we still didn't get along. Because of this (and a lack of desire to cook), cont.

Oh anon...
For some reason I like you so I'll read this.

>>17228613
>born
>currently living
>will play out all the same themes that countless humans have played out over thousands of generations since the dawn of civilization
>will learn no wisdom that hasn't been discovered millions of times privately by others in the past
>will do no action that will create any sort of permanence of name or deed
>shortly after life expires will be forgotten
>body will decompose into its component parts to be remade
>soul returns to its like source to be remade in kind
>all this in one tiny nook of the earth, itself being merely a point in the universe, over a lapse of time so small that it isn't even a blink to Kronos

Marcus Aurelius is fucking me up

>>17228814
If you personally could win a nobel prize, but had to dedicate your life to your field in order to do it, would you think it was worth it?

>>17228803
Because of this (and a lack of desire to cook), I became malnourished in a jiffy, which only got worse, as I became less willing to help myself as I spiraled further into nutritional debt. I ended up going to a summer camp in July, which saved me from falling beyond recovery, and got me back into decent standing before the next schoolyear. Eighth grade was a good year; although I still had few to no close friends, I became something of a celebrity to my fellow eighth graders (not merely a "popular" kid, as everyone both in and out of the "popular" clique liked me. At the end of eighth grade, however, I was no more open to intimacy than before, and I pretty much shut myself out for Freshman and Sophomore years, though my popularity didn't follow me outside of the social groups I "belonged" to. In junior year, this began to change though, as I left band and began to get some close friends. During this time, my dad finally managed to get a business going in our hometown, so he moved back to Georgia and the pair of us lived in an apartment, which also helped my social life simply because I was much more relaxed, and generally felt freer to do what I wanted. I also got to know my dad to a great degree during this period. By Senior year (though Junior year's summer was another three months of solitude) I was back where I was in eighth grade; I campaigned shirtless for school president (and although I didn't win, there was reason to think it had rigged, especially as the office ladies knew I couldn't keep shit straight. Honestly, it's much better that I didn't win, since I was pretty responsibility-allergic at the time, which I termed "weight", and avoided. I was very well liked by all of the students in my classes and by their teachers; my name was chanted at the pep rally during which the homecoming king was announced (I ended up on the court, then going to homecoming stag because I didn't want a relationship.) cont.

>>17228849
Later, I cohosted a beauty pageant, and it was all going swell until the winter break for that schoolyear, during which my dad died of congestive heart failure, which, beyond losing a father and having to move out of the apartment ASAP, was much messier than it had to be; he had a lot of ends that hadn't been tied (he had been building a house to sell, and it hadn't sold yet, so there was a lot of debt to move, I thought that mom was stealing something when she wasn't, and a lot of tension and resentment grew across various areas of dad's late social life.) At the end of it, I ended up with a home situation in which I wasn't sure whether I'd be homeless, and with a lot of emotional instability on my mom's part. When I got back to school, my social life slowed a bit (Worth noting that I kept the whole thing secret, and it never did actually get out except among teachers because one of them was my neighbor and saw me moving back in, then asked about it.) Perhaps due to a deeper sense of trust from my Mom's forgiveness, around this time I began to form deeper relationships, and created some really solid friendships with some really solid people (often, if not typically, with mutual admiration). I was also on the prom court (went stag because still unwilling to get into a relationship), and generally had a great time for the last few months; went to my first and only few parties, and hang out with friends regularly. As soon as that year had ended, I had an opportunity to engage in an internship in Las Vegas with a business friend of my Step-dad's, which I took. I have to pause for a bit, but cont.

>>17228808
OP here; my (internet) friendship is yours for the taking if you want it

>>17228883
Sure, my skype is detectivejelly

>>17228814
The reality, though, is that that enormous perspective has no basis in reality; importance is in the eye of the beholder.

>>17228878
In late May, I left for Vegas with my stepdad in our old Bronco (which barely made it), and when we got there, I couldn't overcome the feeling that I'd be stuck in gas stations forever if I failed, and despite knowing that this mentality had no basis in reality, I couldn't stop and I burnt out quickly when given a task I couldn't understand, which was exacerbated by being pretty completely alone, as my step-dad was out of town for the month of June. I spent most of the month procrastinating on work and procrastinating on shopping for food or similar (especially as I ended up in a loft that reached ~100 degrees at night, drank coffee that had gone bad, and had my circadian rhythm shredded by Vegas's lack of darkness at night. (paired with stress, of course). Generally, I was plummeting in every respect; by the end of the month, I got shortness of breath when speaking to people, I slept from 8 AM to 2 PM every day, was malnourished, hopeless, and desperate to hide myself, certain that I was beyond redemption in the eyes of anyone I knew and anyone who would hear about this. In the next month, I was slowly (although untinentionally) nursed back to health by an acquaintance of some people at the company, and I ended up back at work in full swing by the time August came around (very, very full swing; I worked over 100 hours a week for two months, as we kept moving from one panic to another because my coworker had dropped his balls (I wasn't carrying any balls relevant to this business; my duties at the time were in the other business. (There's two startups with the same founder, directly under whom I work)) At the end of this, I had sort of redeemed myself, but I still couldn't stand my situation, and the vices I had turned to during the period (caffeine and music, which I know aren't very hard vices) began to (cont.)

>>17228918
will text you after life story; I don't have a Skype at the moment

I was groomed when I was 12 by my ex best friend who was 3 years older than me to make CP of myself and I an ashamed to admit it to anyone. The people she gave it to would stalk me for years I have no social networking now. My lidea is ruined I can not have a good career because of it.

>>17228883
My skype profile info is fake.

It seems like I haven't talked about my past in ages.
Even on internet boards I'm a pretty unrelatable person.

>>17228925
During October and November, I had constant headaches, and had the problem that I still wasn't very comfortable in my living space (rental house with stepdad; we moved out of the apartment in September) (still not terribly comfy), and generally felt drained and not all-the-way there throughout this period. I was, in a manner reminiscent of what I would do in Elementary school, spend a lot of my spare time imagining a brighter future as I pushed through the present. I beat caffeine fairly early, but I didn't even think of music as a problem until January came around. In this rut, I visited Georgia during Christmas, and surprised my old friends (who didn't know I was going to be there), who were exceedingly happy to see me, though the time was ruined by headaches, which had at that point become so common that most days I never got a moment without one. After I got back, my feelings of loneliness disappeared, as though my subconscious learned that friendship is unnecessary, or perhaps gave up on it. Early in February, the headaches were especially bad, and I had become violently horny all of the time, so I decided to cut out music and porn completely. This held, and in March I started running and got up to a mile per day until, in early April, I had to work with some Indians on Indian standard time, and my sleep schedule got shot to bits, I lost some composure, and I lost momentum. I continued to tumble (and as I was getting up, I had started calling friends, then my phone got stolen when I was walking one day and I couldn't call any of them back. I still haven't had the courage to reach out to any of them through email or the like and explain what happened. This has also made me much less trusting of strangers, and I had just been opening up to them.) This state of tumbling continues to either the present or a few days before, as I've made a few improvements cont.

>>17228945
I'd be happy to hear it if you'd be willing to tell it

>>17228965
In the past few days, I've gone back to 4chan (after a hiatus of about 11 months), started listening to music again, and watched porn again, though it doesn't really do anything for me now, so I'll probably stay off of it. I'm thinking once I get a social life going, I'll drop 4chan and music again, as they're mostly there to fight anomie. It seems to be working though; I lifted yesterday and don't feel as frustrated by the lack of important things in my life anymore. That I'm vulnerable to anomie is something of an embarrassment to me, and it's a certainly a deep cut to my pride, as I had always thought that the "social creature" thing was something the weak had conceptualized to validate their leaning, but it seems to be true for that reason.

So, misleading as this phrase may be, that's how I became a 19 year old friendless KV NEET with nothing to be proud of.

Not long or as interesting as the earlier posts. I'm 20 from Boston. Heartbroken, flunked out of college, and am not doing too well at the moment.

Would you consider the love to be worth the heartbreak? Conventional wisdom says so, but I feel like it's easier to rationalize that that's the case than to admit error for most people

>>17228980
I'm not even sure where to begin.

My father played a significantly role in my childhood. However everyone really respected my father and always use to tell me what a great guy he was. He was so nobel, honest, and unconcerned with success, money, relationships, etc... that it makes me wonder if he ever grew out of his childhood phase. He was also relatively good looking and extremely charming with his humble and care free country character. You see, he grew up on the farm where he spent most of his free time fishing, hunting, etc... with his 10 brothers/sisters.
He dropped out in 9th grade because he didn't care for intellectual stuff and just wanted to continue living a country life, but later found out his IQ was 160 or something from a military test.
He spent his life working as a pipe fitter, welder, a merchant marine, and always seems happy to share funny stories from those times with anyone who's eager to listen.

My mother was an alcoholic from the age of 15 and generally a very mentally unstable person. She ran away at 16. Everything about her thinking just seems off. She use to work 2 part time jobs while going to school full time. She was considered intelligent, but extremely unorthodox. Because she never learned to write English well, she invented a system of symbols and numbers which allows her to record anything you tell her.
Her alcoholism has crippled her for her entire life. So my father mostly raised me since my mother was entirely unstable.

I'm struggling to go on with this. I'm not sure if it's even worth it.

>>17229059
Will read if you write

>>17229059
So as a kid I mostly inherited my father's character. I was unusually easy going, peaceful, and just liked doing fun activities with my father. Every summer we use to knee boarding, skiing, fishing, 4 wheeler riding, and so on together. It was probably the funnest times of my life. All the way up until 10th grade I studied MAYBE 30 minutes a week outside of school. Other than that, my father didn't care about my grades and I didn't either, but I very frequently got the top test scores in my grade. I was talented in every subject except history. So by 4th grade I picked up the violin. Leading up to this time my mother would be sober for 2 months, then drink for 3 months, etc... and I'd sometimes go visit her for a week or so at a time. Well in 4th grade she got married to a new guy. I lived with them for quite a while and didn't see my father except from time to time. However my mother started drinking again and stayed on the couch for weeks at a time. Her new husband would just supply her with more beer and leave her so I moved back with my father. I only saw my step dad a few times after that. It was the closest thing I've ever had to a complete family with brothers and sisters (which my step dad had from a previous relationship).

So I played violin for 4 years and then I moved far away to a different state with my father where I lived between 6th and 8th grade. I was somewhat socially awkward at this period and struggled to pick up social conventions. Sure I was outgoing, but naive as well.

Perhaps the nicest part of moving to the new state in 6th was that I met a girl on the bus. We sat next to each other and use to laugh/flirt every morning and afternoon from 6th grade all the way up through 8th grade. We finally kissed and then dated for like 1 week, but it was hardly a relationship in anyway whatsoever. We both liked each other, but somehow we were both content just to have each other's company.

>>17228980
Interesting thread. Did you start this thread? It's a good idea. And interesting life by the way. I always liked hearing other peoples life stories stories. It gives perspective.
I think i'll post one too. Good thread.
But in your case, to give some advice: You need to get a girlfriend. Like a girl who you are exclusive to, and someone who you can do that stereotypical dance with.
I think it'll help with a lot of your problems, especially the anomie. And although most relationships (especially first ones) are bound to fall apart, it'll give you some much needed experience either way.
You'll no longer be a KV, your NEETiness will lessen. You'll have some extra support emotionally, financially maybe, and in life in general; someone to look after you.
Plus trying the whole dating thing can be fun, and bring some spark in your seemingly dull tedious life at the moment.

>>17229093
lurking; will save commentary for the end

I continued to talk with that girl through the years and nowadays I don't think there's a person outside of my family who I care about more than her. However I've cut off ties with her seeing as my life's/I've become a wreck and I don't want to burden her. I just hope she finds someone who will take care of her because all she ever showed me was kindness.

During the 8th to 9th grade summer I was living with my alcoholic mother. The house was a wreck (like tip toeing around trash all over the floor) and I struggled to find food to eat. There was spoiled food on the kitchen table, etc...
During this time I started to have psychological problems. For some reason I became really preoccupied with sadness and melancholy. Something about it felt so beautiful to me. In 9th though I started flunking out because my emotions really started going out of control. I constantly ditch, get in arguments with teachers who told me to go to a psychologist, etc...
During this time I met a girl who I really fell for and she liked me as well.
Anyway, my father pulled me out of the school with my mother because I was flunking out completely. I left that girl I met without ever telling her my feelings because I was too shy/innocent. (I forgot to mention, by this time I had spent time learning to play the piano, guitar, violin, and French horn).

So when I got into my new school I swore to make amends. I tried talking with that girl who I liked, but she got into a relationship with another guy. Eventually when we did see each other months later she was just getting out of that bad relationship and things just weren't the same.

In 9th I read Night by Elsie Weisal which made me struggle for months over being a Christian. It caused me a lot of heartache. With the girl eventually we dated from 9th to 10th grade summer, but around that time I just came fucking unglued. Like really, really fucking unglued. I was never the same person after that.

>>17229110
With that girl who I really liked I use to have overwhelmingly obsessive thoughts over how we messed up our relationship by not dating sooner. I use to obsessively think about God, etc... and just could not get certain thoughts out of my mind. I was so emotional as well.

We broke up. After that I didn't date anyone for forever because I've been an emotional wreck ever since. In my new HS my teachers were made at me because I constantly got top scores on the tests, but did ridiculous things like miss 3 days a week/call them bitches/get in fights.

From 10th to 11th grade summer the teacher's thought that this wasn't working so they decided to take a risk and allow me to take dual credit. I took 16 credits my first summer and got 4 A's and 1 B. Over the next spring, fall, and summer I managed to rack up 60 credit hours. However I started having trouble with panic attacks, OCD, extreme paranoia, etc...

In 12th I stopped taking college classes. By this time my mind started to gain a bit of stability. A lot of my problems like OCD and paranoia just gradually went away. I also placed 2nd in a state mathematics competition after missing the easiest problem on the test.

Nowadays in person I seem supposedly normal. I don't small talk or engage in conversation often. Mostly I'm just quiet and calm. I'm 19 and just finished my junior year of college in physics. I'm not sure if I'll ever get in another relationship again.

This sounds like bullshit. But since I was 16 I've been spending every day thinking about how to understand consciousness through mathematics passively.
I've made a lot of progress, but still have a lot I don't understand.

I'm not sure what else to say. Nowadays I'd like to commit suicide, but maybe I'll be able to publish a book on consciousness before then. Sounds like bullshit though.

I've no friends and in general don't enjoy socializing with others/thinking about everyday life.
I try to avoid the internet and television as well.

>>17229105
>Did you start this thread?
Yeah. Ptobably should have tripfagged; will start to do so
>And interesting life by the way.
Quite flattered; posted it both to get it out of my system and to bump the thread; it's the first time I've ever summed my life up like that
>But in your case, to give some advice: You need to get a girlfriend. Like a girl who you are exclusive to, and someone who you can do that stereotypical dance with. I think it'll help with a lot of your problems, especially the anomie.
I could definitely see this being the case, though I'm not sure what a girlfriend would give me beyond what friends would, especcially given the level of dependency suggested by the falling apart. Considering tulpamancy as an alternative; it seems more reliable than conventional friendship, and easier to bootstrap as well. My only fear is that I'd never achieve inner peace with another voice in my head
>You'll no longer be a KV
I'm not that bothered by this, though. That said, I must admit that I have a pride-borne stubbornness in this area; dating always felt contrary to my persona, and despite the absence of any real persona these days, I can't help a strong emotional inertia on the topic. Perhaps I'm also afraid to be so vulnerable. For this cowardice, I must concede that I have no excuse.
>dull tedious life
I'm so preoccupied with trying to score some qt3.14 respect and achievements and whatnot that my life is much more frustrating than boring; every day is a long commentary on whether I've passed or failed my own tests.

It should probably be noted that my NEETdom is a technicality; my internship ended about 8 months ago, but I'm still writing software full time, I'm doing it under the table because the company is still missing a product, and I was too big of a puss to use my leverage when I had it. Fortunately though, my boss is actually pretty eager to get me on payroll (probably helps that our arrangement is pretty unambiguously illegal)

>>17228613
Mine is a long story short atm, so I'll greentext the highlights:

>gf's sister choosing slow death by drug abuse
>gf's family therefore can now be seen as Prypjat, 25th April, 1986
>gf's mother ignoring the situation because "she's still my child", despite all of us telling her to get help

I'm keeping out of it except for supporting my gf, but still.

In other news
>gf wants me to finally ask her to marry me (I want to, just don't think the timing's right yet)
>possible threesome with gf and her best friend (female) ahead in the somewhat distant future

I recently feel pretty hard for a new girl, but after a short fling I decided that relationships just weren't for me.
I didn't share any of this with her. Really I don't share my personal life with anyone.

>>17228653
>younger than me
>not underage b&
Jesus fuck I feel old. And I'm only like a year older than you.

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

>>17229137
I wish I had more sure insight; the only advice I could try to give would perhaps be that I think you might have a better life if you relax; it seems that you're pushing yourself because you feel at some level that it'll make things better, and it's frustrating you because things aren't improving. That said though, I could (and expect to ) be quite wrong, and I'm in a similar (although much less severe) situation if that assessment is accurate, and can't give much in the way of practical advice beyond what you've already probably heard (meditation, dating, etc)

>>17229160
>Wow Jesus, I'm old! Someone younger than me exists!

This meme needs to die. We're all getting older, it's not a big deal. Handle it with grace.

>>17229168
Somehow I feel like the ideal situation would be me just using my life to benefit others.
I mean after all, what's the value of a single life?

Even the smallest contribution made by a single life quickly repays itself in the influence it has to other lives.

Some people might only live 70 years, but the things they do for others can alter the equivalent of several million years in the lives of others.
Ideally society would be most successful if this were the case. Nowadays the maximum prosperity is gained by helping others rather than helping yourself, but we're still stuck with genes/ideals of past times.

>>17229168
What I should of just said is that as humans focus on the individual even when society would be more prosperous if each individual focused everyone

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>be me
>be 8
>be home schooled because yanked from elementry because i got in fights alot
>it wasnt even fighting, just me getting beat up alot
>reality was i was violently bullied but parents thought it was my fault
>fast forward 8 years
>be 5'6 and skrawny all my life because of starvation "punishments"
>always considered the bad kid when in reality i was sickly alot
>believed it myself after years of brutal conditioning
>told im a worthless piece of shit consantly
>get beatings often
>some people have collections of cars, toya or baseball cards, i have collection of scars and objects ive been hit with
>sometimes they experiment to see what obect works best
>belt, wire, electrical cords, coat hangers, pipes, wood, branches, etc
>siblings are angels who can do no wrong
>siblings go out of their way to get me in trouble and fuck with me
>often come home to find dog shit, glass, dirt in my bed
>get beaten for that too because "obviously i did that"
>one night after a walk i was greeted to twobyfour beating because i "left the gate open" and the horse got out
>find out later it wasnt me and my sister left it open cause she doesnt give a fuck and they never check her on her shit
>they both have cars, i dont because they dont think im "responsible" enough for it
>get fed up
>apply to jobs everywhere
>every, fuckin, where
>land a job at the local McD's because low standards
>bravado over, autistic and terrified as fuck because shit social skills and abuse
>make a ton of mistakes but alot of coworkers very friendly
>get food, actually eat now, blow the fuck up, grow 5 inches in one summer
>foggy haze on my mind lifted from years of starvation, suddenly gifted intelectually
>parents dont know what the fuck is going on with me
>18th birthday comes and goes, notice everything getting smaller
>get measured a few months later, 6'2
>Six Fuckin Two
>im now bigger and taller than my parents
>find out later that year that i'm actually adopted
>they never had the guts to tell me

I was born in a small town in Manitoba, Canada in June 1996. (let's call it Darby or anon purposes) I lived just outside of Darby in an old farm house on my grandparents farm until the age of 2. Only child between my parents. My dad was the alcoholic partier type, and my mom wasn't, which was at the root of their split. I always considered myself lucky that I had no recollection of it, as I understand for an older kid to experience that kind of thing can cause a lot of grief and a skewed outlook on relationships. Nonetheless I lived the life of a kid with split up parents, who didn't always get along, but did around me for the most part. So after the split my mom and I moved from Darby to Winnipeg, Manitoba's capital and largest city of roughly a 700,000 people. My Dad and that side of the family would reside in Darby. My mom initially moved to Winnipeg (where she's originally from) to chase a military guy she met from working in the bar in Darby. This would be the start of my mothers saga of countless (10 maybe) boyfriends through out my childhood. They were only together for about a year, and my mom had to move us into my grandparents who also lived in Winnipeg. It was there my mother decided to go to culinary school and we later moved into an apartment, the tenth and top floor, which I thought was so cool. When I was 5 it was time for me to start school, and with my mom in college and it being just me and her, she sent me to live with my Dad in Darby until she finished her schooling. So my dad and I lived at my other grandparents, on the farm I lived at when I was a baby. My dad did oil changes at a gas station, and still led that partier lifestyle. You could say that my mom sent me to live with my grandparents. I spent kindergarten in Darby, and by the end of that year my mom had finished culinary school and I moved back to Winnipeg with her to start grade 1. cont.

>>17229162
b8
>>17229197
I'm afraid we have a fundamental difference of view; I assign value on a strictly parochial basis, so unless it's my friends and/or that are being helped (indirect help counts), I don't value it particularly.

That said, I do agree with the idea that universal selflessness would benefit society (no collective action problems, no overhead for management thereof, etc)
>>17229207
Fucking brutal. Sounds like you made it out decently though
>>17229211
Watching

(surprisingly many rural posters)

>parents divorced at 4
>raised in a single father household, dad had custody during the school year
>emotionally abusive, permanently messed up
>diagnosed bipolar, may have a personality disorder on top of it
>coast through life until college
>get super depressed, can't wing it like high school, fail out
>get a very well paying temporary job after college
>live off money for half a year without working
>get gf, spend all money to be with her (she lived pretty far but I drove hundreds of miles a week for her)
>move to opposite end of country with her
>we break up, I get more depressed than ever
>move back
>get shit job
>get trapped in cycle of shit job, can't leave for college because not enough money, can't get better job without better education, etc
>three years later and still trapped by decisions stemming from the relationship
>desperate enough to fill the hole left that I'm starting to entertain the advances of a 17-year-old despite being in my mid-20's and it's not legal to have sex (haven't broken the law or anything though)
>goddamn it I just want a college degree, a decent job, a gf my age, and be normal

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Life stories eh?
Well, here is a summation of the last 10 years of my existence.

>12 old something, shy as fuck kid with a single friend, bullied by both girls, as well as more popular boys, who both spread rumors than I and my friend were gay, because we liked to play together in the schoolyard's woods, draw comics together, and in general, act like a bunch of nerds with weird interests.
>this bullying led to the sense that nobody, especially no girl, saw me as anything other than "that weird gay faggot who plays in the woods" which eventually devolved to just "that weird faggot".
>When puberty hit the confusing emotions just bolstered my insecurities, and fears, and I started to both hate myself, as well as any feelings I was developing for girls. It didn't help that girls still kept bullying me, and treating me like garbage, while guys had for the most part stopped, other than occasionally do shit like knock me around, or call me a faggot.
>spent basically the remaining of primary school awkwardly just trying to get by, avoiding girls because I didn't want to be called a fatass yet again, (I wasn't even that fat, just a bit chubby), with massive anger and self hatred issues boiling beneath me.

>come high school, I get put into a class where I don't know anyone, and immediately, my insecurities begin to ring warning bells, and I do my best to shy away from everyone, in order to not cause any unwanted attentions (which at this point in my life, had always been bullying and teasing).
>don't make any new friends, only socialize with a couple of old acquaintances I knew back from primary school, 3 years go by.
>by the end of the last year, end up hearing that everyone thought that I was about to shoot up the school any day now. I also don't pass the entrance exams to the school where I was applying to, which sucks massively because...
(cont)

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>>17229259
>19 years old, means conscription here where I live, spent 6 months in the army with a horrible sleep rhythm, still failing to make any new friends, because my army mates thought I was a lazy weird asshole or something (which, to be fair, I sorta was). I shared no hobbies or interests with any of them, so there was nothing really but our mutual discomfort at being in cold, and dark woods digging fake mines into the ground for practice to bond over.
>Get out of army, find myself in a somewhat directionless situation, try to start preparing for the entrance exam of the school I applied for year earlier, discover that I had basically forgotten everything but the basics of the subject in the army, fail the exam again, start falling into depression. I am 20 at this point.

>completely directionless, work at my father's metalworking firm which I hated, depression worsening, no friends, starting to become suicidal.
>January 2014, get sent to live at my aunt's place by my parents, in order to visit a relative of my aunt's husband, whose job is to help young people figure out what they want to study. During this time, form a strong bond with my, back then, 9 and 11 or so old cousins, who constantly sought to spend time with me. They were pretty much the only friends and company I had, and with them, I felt actually truly, genuinely happy, for the first time in a long, long time. Those two little girls were the light of my life back then.
>The youth therapist or whatever I was seeing, basically concludes after few months of seeing her semi regularly, that I am probably depressed, and should seek help, and that she can't really help me in my current condition.

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>>17229263
>Go back home, depression comes back with a vengeance, now that I no longer had the company of my cousins to make feel happy and loved, feel like utter shit, start hurting myself physically, and finally lash out at my parents who kept bugging me. They realize how fucked in the head I am, eventually, the autumn of that year, I get into a program trough which I started getting meds, and proper therapy.
>2015 goes slowly, with me seeing a therapist regularly, slowly working trough my issues, taking meds, and occasionally visiting my cousins, over time, start feeling a bit better, and towards the end of 2015, decide to apply to study something completely different than the stuff I previously tried and failed to get in.

>2016 comes, move out to study to the same city where my aunt and her family lives in February, with a new, a bit more positive mindset, try to be sociable with the people whom with I live with in the student apartment complex.
>slowly adapt to a new rhythm in life, try to get used to the changes. Visit my aunt's folks occasionally, seeing my cousins. Also befriend a girl who lives in the same apartment complex. At first, we just watch movies together from the tv, or play board games, but as weeks pass by, I start realizing that I have developed feelings towards her, feelings which I had never felt before.
>start spending more and more time with her, as I enjoyed her company. We went to the movies and hung out in the city and in general, spent tons of time together, often staying up all the way past midnight just chatting and watching youtube videos.
>never in my life, had I been able to interact with a girl like this before. She seemed to enjoy my company, and actively sought to spend time with me, and I thought that she might have actually liked me, but as I had no experience with this type of shit, I never found the courage to tell her that I like her. Still, even her just being my only friend here was fine with me.

>>17229162
See what I mean?

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>>17229266
>Things were going well, until one day, after a big argument over inconsequential shit (immigrants) with my aunt, she basically told me that I should never be in contact with my cousins again. It turned out, that for the past 2 years, she had been thinking that I was a pedophile, for enjoying spending time with my cousins. This pretty much ruined my relationship with her and her family (and by expy, my folks and her folks as well, as my parents were fucking furious about those allegations), and I haven't been in any contact with her or her family since.
>while that debacle did hurt me tremendously (I love my cousins, they are the sweetest little girls imaginable, and the fact that my aunt thinks that I had some horrid desires of intentions towards them offends and hurts me.), I was able to sorta get over it, after all, I still had the girl who I had befriended, so it wasn't like I was totally fucking alone here, with nobody who cared about me.
>It was not to last however.

>Come about two months before this day, the girl I got a crush on, and who I thought to be my friend, starts to become increasingly cold, and distant from me. No longer responding to messages, or seeking to spend time with me, and seemingly enjoying my company less and less, it gets to the point where she barely even acknowledged my existence, even if I was in the same room with her. This hurt me immensely, and sent me back into my depressive spiral hard. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't understand why she started acting that way.
>then, after a few weeks, she suddenly acts like nothing had happened, we start spending time together again, even go out together a couple of times, until she drops me like a sack of rocks, again, with no explanation.
>at this point, I start to think that maybe she doesn't like me the way I like her, or worse, she is just playing with me, only enjoying the attention I give her, with no intentions of ever really reciprocating my feelings back.

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>>17229276
And that brings us to this day.
I'm hurt, sad, and lonely, I don't know what to do. The girl I got a crush on has moved out, and I haven't seen her since. I tried to contact her via facebook, and asked how her move went, but after a single reply, she started ignoring my messages again.
I got nobody here anymore. No friends, my aunt thinks that I am a god damn pedophile after my own cousins, and thus I am no longer welcome in her household.

I just don't know where to find the strength to carry on. I have lost my passion and interest towards my hobbies, studies, and life in general.
I am so god damn tired, and the spiral of depression seems to be constantly one extremely bad day away. I never want to fall into that pit of despair again, but as it is, seems like it is just a matter of time.

And that is the brief story of the better part of my 23 years of existence.

Captain samefag turning in; I'm too sleepy to do justice to most of these posts. Will read everything in the morning, and will respond if there's still a thread
>>17229267
I know what you were getting at (that this thread, or at least I, was being needlessly flowery), I just don't agree, though I probably shouldn't have assumed bait. Personally, I'm typing what I'm thinking; most of my interaction with text has been with technical documentation for the past few months, so I've come to imitate its precision by habit. I could fake "casual" writing, but it would be hard, pointless, and would probably sound really forced.

>>17229211
I'm going to try to not go into too much unnecessary detail through out my school years.
My mother thought that putting me into french immersion would be a good idea. It wasn't, as I struggled hard. I understand the benefits of being bilingual, but if I could go back and change it I would've gone to a normal ass all English school like everyone else. I only went up til grade 2. I continued with all English till grade 12. I was a lousy student all the way through, I barely got by, and retained little. In fact I still can't do long division, nor can I write in cursive (other than my first name). I also think I had a clinical attention deficit that was ridiculously overlooked. But enough about that for now. Throughout school I considered my self a loner with friends, but never a group of friends. Birthday parties were weird because none of my friends liked each other. My mom made sure I kept a good relationship with my dad and i'd go stay with him every odd weekend and in the summers. My dad had sort of turned his life around and became a police officer, met my step mom, and started a family. Still an alcoholic. I went to school with my mom in Winnipeg up til grade 8. My mom and I weren't getting along and I went to live with my dad. My dad was lucky enough to work in Darby (the police system in Canada is different, you don't get much choice where you get placed). It was a nice change of going from city to small town, but starting high school knowing nobody in a small town wasn't easy. cont.

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>Born
>Family moves shortly after across state
>Moved into a decent golf community
>Due to shit happening in the surrounding area community quickly turns into a shithole, filled with crime and an endless sea of thuggin niggers
>Go to kindergarten/preschool
>Never went to middle/high school because I'm white, and the schools were all black and now in one of the poorest areas in the state
>So I'm home schooled all the way through middle school and high school
>23 now, going to college, me and family now living in a much better place
>Long term GF died at 22 a 8 months ago, was essentially ran over by a drunk driver
>We were together 7 years
>Struggling with major depression
>Have psoriasis
>Then get diagnosed with psoriatic arthritis
>Now I seem to be struggling with some other mental health issues
>Losing my awareness of time more and more, depression getting worse, complete zone out for hours on end without a thought, suicidal now

That is about it without going into much detail. Actually was shot at twice when I was a kid. They weren't trying to shoot me, but both times I was in the area of the person being shot at. On the upside being a pure white kid growing up in the blackest ghetto imaginable gave me a very strong sense of confidence.

I'm still working on my AA at college, and I'm really having a hard time right now because of everything that has happened, and what I'm dealing with currently. Don't know what my current course of action is, and I'm kind of lost. Really kind of feel like just ending it.

>>17229298
I lived the majority of my high school life on the farm previously spoken about. In a house that was originally my grandparents that my dad and stepmom fixed up. Family wise I got along with my step mom, younger sister and brother just fine. My mom and I still held a pretty good relationship, and the table was pretty much flipped in terms of visiting. My teenager problems revolved mostly around my shyness and recluse tendencies, which stemmed a lot from the culture shock of living in a cliquey small town, and going to it's only high school (small town being aprox. 8 thou). I knew people, people knew me, but I was so socially anxious it was crazy, I was hard to make friends. My lousy grades, and the fact I gained a bunch of weight during my move didn't help with my confidence. I was an athletic kid growing up, but in high school that all came to a halt, I was so shy and anxious I wouldn't go to try outs for sports, even though I really enjoyed sports and wanted to. What also didn't help with my confidence was the fact of my "straight edgeness". I never wanted to be around drinking, due to it's bad taste and the things I witnessed growing up. I didn't, and still don't have any desire to start drinking. I felt that no one would want to hang around me after school because I'd never be down to party, or smoke weed or something (weed is different, i'm just straight up not interested, nothing to do with having a cop as a dad, he wouldn't have cared). Another hard thing was the fact I lived out of town, while most kids lived in town, so unless I asked for rides into town I was pretty much stuck out at the farm. Meanwhile we had decent internet for where we were and got pretty into COD. cont.

>>17229357
Holy fuck anon. Sorry to hear about all that, and I'm sorry you lost your grill. You really need therapy and medication if the issues you describe are actually occurring.

At least you're out of the hood.

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Being virgin till 25. I meet a girl, or rather, a girl hits on me. I had only 1 date before and it was some psychopatic bitch that was blackmailing me with suicide after 1st date - true story. The new one seems alrighty. Go on a date, get touchy, kissy, suddenly a wild faggot appears. He breaks my glass and cuts her face with glass. When I come out of shock I go one punch man on that faggot (I've been working out and boxing) while he's screaming "it's my gf!!!!", guy is neutralized. Appears she is stalked by her ex. End a date as a white knight with guaranteed puss mashing.
We end up together as couple, we start dating. We receive insults and death threats by e-mail and phone from various sources - it may be - her ex, my past psychopatic date, anyone else or all of them.
Move in with her to the new flat.
She confess that she's bipolar, she becomes needy and neurotic, calls my with panic and cry when I'm away from home, ruins my social life, because I have to go back every time she has panic attack because I'm not home.
Shit's getting toxic. I'm losing mi life energy, devote my life to nursing her and playing vidya in meantime. She says it's not enough, she whats big love and adventure. Suddenly starts to go out late and not come back, one night she tells me she does not love me anymore we want to break up. But we have to live together till I find my new flat so we make up.

cont.

>Born to fairly well off family
>have asbergers and also live in a very secluded area no where near any other children
>social skills pretty bad, couldnt look people in the eye, wouldnt even talk to them if its the first time i met them
>difficulty in primary and secondary school due to that, just want to put head down and study, everything else didnt matter but inevitably get pulled into bullying and shit
>towards the end of GCSEs i start to seriously try and be social and put myself in social situations which was frankly terrifying for me, but had to willpower to do it
>social skills improve albeit had a sense of anxiety about if i said/did the wrong thing
>go to 6th form, bullying stops
>get pretty decent grades, could have got better imo because i was naturally good at logical subjects but didnt revise at home
>get unconditional engineering placement for university
>shock of the amount of work you need to do at uni, coupled with hundreds of new faces sets me back a bit
>eventually make freinds and having a social life at weekends
>at a bar about 8 months into the first year, see some dude being quite aggressive trying to pick up a girl that isnt interested
>step in and drive it home about how she isnt interested and she should be left alone
>he leaves, girl thankful but leaves aswell
>2 days later this guy and some buddies jump me and kick the ever living shit out of me
>hospitalised for 6 months, fractured skull, ribs and sacrum, now incontinent and have to wear nappies for the rest of my life, police take a statement but nothing ever comes of it as far as i know
>after recovery i go back to university but pretty depressed, work ethic and social life go out the door, pass my (second) first year although i had to retake 5 exams
>2nd year same as the second 1st year, fail 5 out of 7 exams
>decide to cut my losses, quit university and take an apprenticeship in accountancy
>suits me far better, 3 years on to present day and i'm aiming for chartered accountant

>>17229399
She confess taht she's so fucked up because:
Her mother was alcoholic
Her father is cheating bastard
Her mother has cancer
She has been brutally raped by some strangers few years ago and had an abortion
She spent some time in mental clinic

What can go wrong, I think, I'll cure here with my love. Ship goes on, she pushes for the wedding because mother has cancer and wants to make her happy. I'm in, I'm a nice guy in the end, I want to see her mom happy and feel compassionate for her.
2 months before wedding check her facebook because she starts going out late again.
She is cheating on me with some 10 years older guy, she wants to fuck the guys she wants not some "nice guy" that mnatters notihing. She hopes that this old guy will take her away from the wedding like in shitty romantic movies.
I show her the conversation. She starts deanying, tells that she only wanted to impress her friends lying about that and she has mental problems and this thing about the other guy is not real.
Bubble breaks.
Fuck this shit.
Move out instantly.
Here I'm now..

>>17229370
It was around grade 12 when I started to come out of my shell. I could drive myself to and from town, I made a few good "after school" friends, and I even played soccer that one year. Grade 12 was a such great year, it saddened me that I didn't have that all throughout high school. I graduated, barely. Blank slate ahead of me. 18 I started working for a well known beverage company as a merchandiser. My first job outside of high school. I stocked the shelves of various stores in Darby with their products. Great job for a kid my age, and great pay, $15/hr, super easy. We ended up getting a new manager. His enforcement on competitor products started affecting me outside of work. Being in a small town, something as small as being seen at a restaurant that served the other companies products, or having an empty bottle on the floor of your car would spark ridicule . After a couple incidents, and the glowingly uncomfortable environment, I quit. I went on EI (or unemployment as you might know it as) for about 8 months. During this time I "looked for a job" but I mostly just sat at home playing call of duty, and going on 4chan. con't. one more.

>>17229402
Please give me some feedback on that, not advice. Just say what you think about all this shit.

>>17229402
Seems like you gave it your best effort with the relationship despite how much you gave up for it, can't fault you for that

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>>17229357
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYzMYcUty6s

You have kinda interesting and dramatic life, not everyone has it this way, some live in a boring golden cage. Appreciate at least that.
I prefer to get all tastes of it before going, I can't truly respect people and call the mature if they have not experienced the most extreme loses and braking points in their lives.

You are a cool guy, go on with it. Just like any other man that learns to lose things in life.

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>>17229406
As of writing this this all happened within the last year.
So I quit beverage company in June 2015. From June 2015 to February 2016 I sat unemployed. I mostly sat around and played call of duty and helped out my grandpa with his farming a little bit. My family surprisingly didn't pester me about finding work right away, which left me with a lot of free time. Don't get me wrong, getting the EI money, paying off my car, having all that time to do whatever, go on family trips, do literally fuck all was amazing. But I also developed a sort of depression during this time, mostly around the fact I wasn't going anywhere in life, and the fact that I was still a lonely KV. My family started telling me to make a move, go to school, get a job, start your career, "you'll regret it if you don't start something now". I agreed but didn't know what I wanted to get into. I was really anxious about going to back to school, but I knew it was the only way i'd be able any money without doing some back breaking labour job. So in Feburary I decided to move back with my mom who now lives just outside of Winnipeg, in plans to start this IT program at a local college this fall. I also started working at a gas station, and my EI money ran out about a month ago. It's now June (present) and I'm super worried about school and stuff. I was a terrible student through grade school, why I even thought I'd be able to do college is beyond me, I don't even know if I'll like computers and shit, never took computer science in high school. I'm probably going to suck and waste a bunch of money. Back to having zero friends, no longer a KV though, but still a V, that frustrates the fuck out of me. It's starting to turn into me venting about my current situation. I'm hoping shit turns around this fall, try to make the best of this summer, maybe find a girlfriend. Who knows. Onward and forward, or whatever the fuck. idk lol

>>17229498
Although I agree with your parents and you that you should do something, I'd recommend trying a few tradelike professions (put together an art project, program something, et cetera) during the summer, given that doing so will be harder when you're actually in classes. Good luck on the girlfriend thing though,the average IT school of lore has few options in that category, so as much as I'd like to advise to focus on experimentation, if that's important to you, there aren't going to be many better opportunities coming. Then again, I've never had a girlfriend or been to an IT school, so take this with a grain of salt.On the whole, your life reminds me of mine, just without as much luck. GL comrade

>>17229983
Edit: the although was from an earlier sentence that I changed my mind about; everything up to the first comma can be ignored

>>17229197
On a revision of earlier thought, even from the perspective of social efficiency, you seem to be upping your risk of suicide or burnout, and either/both would minimize your contributions, so even from that perspective, I think it makes sense to try to relax.
>>17229221
I'd probably focus on being comfortable where you are; saving the money for college is going to take a long time, and if you don't get into a spot (be that from a change in life or a change in outlook) where you feel comfortable, the intervening years are going to be miserable, and you'll be more vulnerable to burnout. That said though, I can understand if you're constricted by your mental illnesses, or are trapped in a job because you have to get one that pays enough to manage college debt. If neither, it seems like you might be able to find another, more enjoyable job, especially as you mentioned the after-college job, which sounded like you enjoyed it, or could at least tolerate more than this one.

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Born in 1993 to a poor family and two brothers and a sister on my mom's side, 2 brothers on my dad's side. Dad and mom eventually split and I went with my mom. We moved around a lot until she bought a trailer at around 11 years old.

Became really shy in middle school, was also a huge asshole before tha but I mellowed out. Moved to another state in 9th grade. Became even more shy. Dated a girl I didn't like for the last two years of high school.

Was going to attend WVU. I'm really good academically but I never applied myself. Anyway second day after I moved in, I had the biggest panic attack of my life (I've been scared of anxiety ever since) and ended up dropping out.

Moved in with my dad and tried several times to hold down a job but couldnt. Brother and his girlfriend and their baby moved in, and I hadto share the living room with them. They were huge drug addicts and would ignore their child to shoot heroin and also leave me with her for hours at a time. Also had a long distance relationship that ended with her cheating on me.

After years of therapy and job seeking not working, I moved to live with my mom and I got really good therapy. Been doing better since but I still panic a lot. I want to go back to college to either be an astrophysicist or an astro-engineer.

>>17229407
Made the right choice; should have left earlier, if anything.
>>17229400
Not sure how to phrase this, but with the perseverance you've already demonstrated, you should have a pretty decent life if the accountant training is fruitful. That said, I'd imagine that the incontinence is a serious social obstacle

>Be a normal popular kid
>Kids always asking me to hang out or play
>Have like 10 BFFs
>Move to a different country
>Experience being weird for the first time
>Older sister becomes seriously eating disordered and mentally ill
>Parents attack her to try to get her to eat, hear screams from my room every day at dinner
>Eat dinner alone in my room
>Spend almost every day alone in my room, quietly watching TV
>Sister tries to attack us with a weapon in the middle of the night, gets institutionalized
>Much older brother becomes suicidal
>Threatens suicide when he doesn't get what he wants
>Enjoys terrorizing me, telling me I'm worthless
>Family revolves around sister's psych hospital and preventing brother from killing himself and having tantrums
>Parents having financial problems, say I like wearing outdated $2 jeans
>Look like shit
>Mother threatening divorce constantly, only wants custody of me
>Mother always breaking down father emotionally
>Regress socially, emotionally
>Watch mother hit my siblings and drag them by their hair
>Watch siblings do the same
>Daily screaming matches, unpredictable verbal and physical attacks
>Always on edge
>Always the good kid, because I was polite, respectful and quiet
>Siblings move out
>Move to a different country
>Experience being even weirder
>I become the target of mother's rage
>Says monthly that she's leaving father and that she doesn't want custody of me
>Is always criticizing my appearance and personality
>Low self-esteem, think everyone in class hates me
>Make friends but they eventually tell me I was just a charity case
>Completely alone
>Am a social retard at this point, 8th grade
>Fantasize every day about killing myself
>Go home after school and cry every day and try to pep myself up enough to kill myself
>Parents become crazier, self-esteem lower
>Don't take advantage of any opportunities
>Become an adult with no social skills, a bad personality, and no hope of ever making friends
>Trying to come to terms with that

>>17230020
Best of luck; sounds like you're doing all of the right things
>>17229291
I wish I could offer better advice, but I'm in a state with the same character minus some severity; my only advice would be not to date.

Though a pair of cheekier, but perhaps not invalid pieces of advice would be to create tulpas or to move to America where your Swiss (I'm guessing, but some subtleties in your English suggest that German is your first language, and you were conscripted) accent would give make you the "cool foreigner guy" and generally make it easier to socialize, especially as you can make your accent sound thicker than it really is, and use your foreign accent/culture to excuse any social shortcomings. Once again, though, these two suggestions are both straight from my ass.

>>17230023
yeah my sex life is non existent at this point mainly through lack of trying, how do you really start dating and then be like "oh by the way i'm incontinent"

doesnt matter if its no strings attached or serois dating, its the least sexy thing i can think of

>>17230040
Did you at least shake free of your parents? If so, you might be able to build social skills, though I understand that's easier said than done, and you may need some therapy to boot. That said though, coming to terms with it puts you ahead of most, and may be a better thing to strive for in the immediate scheme of things, especially as acceptance of that will, ironically, probably help you to make/keep friends, since you won't be as self-conscious

>>17230067
I suppose you could hunt for scat fetishists, but I'd probably just do the same. I'm assuming that the answer is yes, but I still think it's worth asking: is there any way of fixing it? Even if it was an expensive surgery of some kind, it seems like it would be worth it once you've saved enough

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>>17230058
Well, I don't even know how to meet girls, so dating is out of the picture anyways. I do sorta want to send the girl I have a crush on, who moved away, a message and ask her if she would like to meet, but I am unsure if I should.

I am actually Finnish, and honestly, I'd never move out of my homeland permanently. My grandfather didn't fight in a war for me to just abandon my homeland. Especially when the times seem to be getting harsher in the future. Young people leaving abroad from here are traitors in my eyes. They take the education, that this country offered them for "free" (tax payer funded), with them, and provide nothing back. Brain drain like that can be the death of a small nation like Finland.

>writing my story without reading anyone else's

It actually starts before I was born. My parents had trouble conceiving, but finally, through some miracle they had a son. However, the boy got leukemia and died at the age of seven. About a year later, they adopted little infant dumpster baby me as a replacement. They love me a lot, I can't deny this. But I always felt a bit weird about being there. I knew I wouldn't be there if their real son had lived, I owed my family to the death of a person they loved more than anything. It's a strange thing to deal with.

Anyway, as you can imagine, they were very, very protective of me. To the point of infantilization. I only learned to tie my shoes at 14. Made my first sandwich at 19. Naturally, my social skills were fucked as a result, so I was bullied thruout my schooling. I developed depression and a pretty severe anxiety disorder at around the age of 12. The panic attacks and my tendency for somatization scared my parents to death because they were convinced that there was something physically wrong with me. I should point out that they're simple people. We live in a village in Eastern Europe, so their understanding of psychology is limited, and mental illness is still very stigmatized here.

I never had any friends, and I didn't date. It's a small environment, and I was always fairly different. Aside from being more dependent than other kids, I was one of the few kids who was an only child, the only kid who was adopted, I was small, shy, rather feminine, more interested in drawing and daydreaming than sports. My lack of friends isn't something that ever changed. Especially because as I grew older I came to realize that I'm gay, which is something that is still a huge taboo here, so I didn't want anyone to know.

At 18 I attempted to enroll in a university, but I wasn't accepted. Partly because I'm not that smart and didn't have great grades, and partly because my anxiety tended to act up during the test situations.

>>17230099
Got a shit job I was yelled at a lot. My parents were more and more uncomfortable and ashamed of me, and I took to drinking, so my paychecks never contributed to the household. This phase didn’t last long. But it’s important because it helps me to realize that my life wouldn’t have been any better if what happened next didn’t happen.

At 19, I was helping my grandmother with some work on the roof of her house, there was a storm and some of the tiles were blown off etc. It doesn’t really matter. The point is I lost my footing and fell. I fell on a spiked fence, impaling my legs. My skull was cracked, but by some miracle my spine was fine. However, the damage to my legs was severe and there was nothing that could have been done save for the amputation, the fence did most of that work for them. So I was left a stumpy cripple. Worse, I suffered brain damage, which left my speech slurred and hard to comprehend.

>>17230070
Thanks. Yes, I moved out after my first year of college. I'm in a much better place emotionally but I just can't make friends or fit in anywhere. I saw a therapist who said there wasn't anything she could do for me, she kept saying she thought I was autistic. Which makes me think I'm irreparably broken, I wasn't like this at all as a kid. I had no symptoms until I was like 8+, which would rule out autism. I could tell she was also stereotyping me as an incompetent literally retarded NEET. She assumed I couldn't hold down a job, but I've been employed since age 16, and have always been commended for my hard work. Also assumed that I had the nerdiest compulsive interests, when I don't really have any nerdy interests. So I am pretty averse to therapy now. I think this is just how my life will be.

>>17230083
>Finnish
Hory shet; I thought you were Finnish because of the Gondolas, but didn't know that Finland had a draft, which made me pick Switzerland. Out of curiosity, do you browse ylilauta?

>Well, I don't even know how to meet girls, so dating is out of the picture anyways.
Nobody knows how to on their first try though; I know it's stereotypical advice, but failure won't kill you. I've asked out to girls, and although they were both already taken, (No social media -> didn't know beforehand) it wasn't a big deal, and didn't even make things awkward. You just have to do it casually.

>I do sorta want to send the girl I have a crush on, who moved away, a message and ask her if she would like to meet, but I am unsure if I should.
Personally, I'd drop her like a bad anime, but I tend to get that response more often than I probably should.
Of course, it probably doesn't help that you're in Finland, which I've heard has a very reclusive, unsociable culture. (And this cultural gap may invalidate my earlier advice; I don't know how different it really is)

>>17230114
It’s hard. By the time I woke from my two week coma, my parents looked like they aged ten years. We live in an apartment building without an elevator, so I can’t go outside without them. Truth be told, I don’t go outside anymore anyway. They’re so old now, and taking care of me is getting harder and harder. I know I’m a burden on them, but the shame and grief my suicide would bring on them isn’t any better. And they already lost one child. The worst part is that I get so angry and sad sometimes that I yell at them without mercy. Only to get crushed by the feelings of shame and regret later.

A bunch of people who were nothing but mean to me all my life decided that we’re best friends after my accident and talked to me as if i was a mongoloid, it only lasted for a month or so. I don’t understand people. I never will. I tried reaching out to people online, since it’s my only lifeline to the world outside of my apartment, but people online are flighty, and I know I’m not easy to deal with. Started catfishing people because talking about myself is hard. I'm 24 now. Turning 25 in September. I don't see my future getting any brighter.

>>17230079
Money isn't too much of a concern as i have health insurance through my employer

There is a tiny chance that surgery could fix it, but as my motor function outside of loss of bladder and bowel is practically non existant, i'm risking further damage to fix what is relatively not that big of a deal when you compare it to potentially losing use of my legs or something like that

>scat fetishists

I have considered maybe dating people who are into ABDL stuff, while i'm not into that I don't really have a problem if other people do and it would turn my condition into an advantage for dating

>>17230121
Edit: about the traitor thing, I can understand that; to a smaller degree I'd probably feel the same way

To >>17230126, >>17230123, and >>17230120, I have to go to work, but if this thread is alive when I get back, I'll respond then

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>>17230121
Well, Russia is right next to us, and we aren't in NATO so having mandatory conscription is rather expected.

>Out of curiosity, do you browse ylilauta?
Nah. Never got that place. I do love their memes though.
I don't remember how I ended up on 4chan, but it is the first imageboard I started visiting, and I have been here for better part of a decade.

>Nobody knows how to on their first try though
The thing is, that I don't even know where to find girls my age, let alone ones whom I share any mutual interests at all. I am not from around this city where I am studying, and the only reason why I even met the girl I got a crush on was because she was living in the same student apartment complex as I was.

>Personally, I'd drop her like a bad anime, but I tend to get that response more often than I probably should.
The thing is, that she herself said that I was her friend, which makes her behavior even more peculiar.
I still like her very much, and miss her company. I feel like I got nothing to do here now, that she isn't here. I used to spend most of my free time with her you see, and now, I am all alone.

And yeah, Finland has pretty reclusive social culture, outside of when drunk that is.

bump for more stories

Here goes
I'm 19 yearold male korean who grow up in kuala lumpur, malaysia.
My mother and father were 39 and 40 when they were married - both first marriage although my dad had a 11yearold boy at the time.
My mother birthed two boys since - first one is me. They sent my half brother to united states as step son of my dad's sister who was married to an american and had 3 girls but no son. They wanted a son, so i hear.

Parents fought a lot when i was a kid. Contributed a lot fucking up my personality and mental health later in life. Father, a former jazz musician and night club owner, had very cold mind and attitude. He became much more kinder later in life, though.

Parents migrated to kuala lumpur with me when I was only 6. We lived in a outskirt, a beautiful place under the mountain, beside a golf club.
I was put in to a chinese primary school. For me it was tough at first because i didn't spoke any language other than my mother's tongue- but I eventually picked up english and chinese mandarin. Even so, the experience of being unable to express myself freely to other kids has made my personality very much introspective. I ate a lot to relieve the stress and hence along the elementary years i was a fat kid- which made things worse because this completely terminated my self esteem and confidence. I remember how badly I was stuttering when this cute little chinese girl with a pale, pale face who I liked actually talked to me one day about trivial thing and I went panic.

I went on to study in british-curriculum based international school. I changed a lot in grade 8 after losing the weight by dieting. I tried to find my value in good grades and worked hard so by grade 10 I had good self esteem and self-worth. I was doing great until one girl happen in my life.

Damn i was writing over restriction.. cnt

>>17231127
Still here? Interested in reading your story.

>>17231175
Yeah, same here. Don't leave us hanging.

>>17231127

All of my friends knew I was lolicon- because I constantly convinced them how better are cute 2d lolis than reallife girls and bla bla other typical /a/ stuff. I was very otaku, maybe because of earlier momories of being surrounded by cute little chinese girls(literally) and how their charms and naiveté fascinated my young self.
Anyway, my friends knew this peculiar(freak) obsession of mine, and this lead one of them asking me what do I think of this short chinese girl who were walking past us in school.
I said 'well, shes not my taste', not knowing how crazy she would make me feel later.

It was like manga, the way she barged in to my classroom after the class arrangement in first day of grade 10. This was when I first noticed her, and the chemical in my brain started working.
It didn't took long to realize it was love. Every peep I made at her during the classtime gave me instant euphoria. Nothing else in the world seemed mattered than to win her for myself. Even when tried to be Rational, I felt I wanted to marry her.
I spent every day thinking how to get close to her. How to make my prescence known. I started doing dumb things in class like chewing tons of gums loudly, being rebellious to teachers, pretend to be gay, etc etc, and one day succeded to make a small talk and joke with her. God how it made me happy.

Throughout the year in grade 10 she became more and more close to me, we were sitting together a lot of times and talked a lot. These happy little moments we had will forever haunt me inside my head.( I was writing diary at the time so more so)
I enjoyed being in love very much. It was different kind of happiness I have ever known. I hadn't tried many drugs apart of marijuana and dxm but i doubt any would be as good as the feeling i felt at the time.

Little more

>>17231267
All good things ends, and my first love announced to me that her family was migrating to australia. Before it was too late, I told her I liked her and we awkwardly holded hands and exchanged glances. She left like a week later and without any proper goodbyes.

About a year I spent in devastation. After graduation, depression got to me as my dad told me there's no money to send me to college. I was 16 and alcoholic, hikikomori, poor and pathetic. My dad died, suddenly collapsed and stop breathing. That was pretty recent and i can still very well recall he falling down in front of me after his pupils abnormally dilating to darkness. He had COPD so i figured he'd die soon but it was all very sudden.

Well these are what I thought was memorable in my life so far.
Now i'm back in korea, but soon going to america for college as my half brother is doing his residency in ohio and is willing to provide me place to be. Bless him.

I'll share mine, even if it's boring.
I was born in Iowa City on a cold December morning. The day after Christmas, to be precise. My mom actually went into labor while watching Monday night football, the Vikings were playing someone. I wonder if that's where my unattainable dream of playing in the NFL originated. I spent the first week of my life in an incubator. My mother would find out, a month later, that I had been a high risk birth and it was lucky I survived.

Two weeks after I was born, we drove to Chicagoland so my mother's side of the family could meet me. I've spent much of my life on road trips, it's no wonder i love driving. I spent most of my life in the Des Moines area. I went to high school in a small town and hour and fifteen minutes away from DSM. Nothing really interesting happened while I was in school. I had frustrated teachers who saw my potential and wished I would live up to it, but I wouldn't, no matter how they pushed. I was bullied. I had my first love in the fourth grade, silly as it sounds.

I attended college for a year, but at the beginning of that year, my grandmothers passed away within a month of one another, and it hit harder than I realized. I was in band, choir, cross country and tennis in high school.

I met someone online and we spoke for nearly five years before we admitted feelings and started dating. He lived in new York. So, at the age of 19, I drove to see him. I thought I was in love. I stayed for three weeks and had a blast. I loved new York. We had an ugly break up months after he returned home (he drove back to Iowa with me. We even stopped at the rock hall of fame.) And a few months after that, I started dating the man I should have married. But I was stupid, and kissed someone else after almost a year together, and so I ended the relationship before I did anything else.

Since then, I've had two or three more serious relationships, and boys that ghosted me. Cont

>>17231371
Cont
I suppose I should make this disjointed and mention my parents. They divorced when I was 11 but remained friends. My dad lived in the basement for a while until he found a place on his own. My mom became a stripper, and some time after my dad moved out, our house (a townhouse, actually) went into foreclosure. My mom ended up getting a job out of town, and that's why I moved for high school. We had many fights where we weren't sure we'd ever repair the relationship. (We're fine now). When we moved back to Des Moines, it got worse. I worked and went to school full time, and that coupled with her constant nagging and the grief I was battling made me break down quite often. She was going to school but she wasn't working. I was, and it pissed me off. I was grieving the loss of my grandmothers, and the loss of a relationship. And when I finally started cheering up and talking to friends again, she hassled me over that.

So I moved in with my dad and life was a lot calmer. At the age of 24, I moved out on my own. I had a full time job washing cars and a part time job delivering pizza. Eventually, that got old. So I got a job in merchandising, and I started playing semi pro women's football last year. (Finishing up my first season on Saturday, I guess this is how I get my NFL dream to come true!). Now I've hopefully still got a fwb situation. If not, I'm fine with that, too, I'll have plenty of weekends to discover myself again.

I dunno, there's a lot more but I can't think of it now. Here I am!

I'm a white (just mentioning race for the fun of it) guy with loser friends. I never was popular in elementary/middle/high school. I'm socially inept to an extent. I have a boring job. Never had a girlfriend. If I could do my life over again I would of done better in school and been more social.

>>17228613
Here we go

Born in late 89, I grew up in a semi disfunctional home. Dad cheated on mom I believe, parents separated but dad still lived with us. It was my parents and my two other siblings as I am the middle child, we all were raised in a one bedroom apartment. We didnt have our own space so everyone clashed with everyone. I didnt have my own room, all I had was my imagination at it was cool. Anyway I was the runt, I was bullied as a kid, I also always had my head in the clouds. The 90's was just a decade my weird childhood took place. Fastforward to highschool, I feel life is better. Girls noticed me although I was too shy and I stuck up for myself, made friends, lifted, goofed off in school though but the mid 2000's was pretty fun for me. After highschool though, shit got mundane and I went to college at a shitty private college. I was there for four and a half years but I managed to get good grades, be in a serious relationship, and work partime. It felt pretty good except the fact that I didnt care for my major and I didnt know what I really wanted to do. Almost at the end of getting my degree in my major, I decided to pursue something in music because I love music and always wanted to learn, create, inspire, and profit off it. I never had the oppourtunity growing up as I'm not from a well off family, went to public school, and my parents were tok old school. I wasnt encourage to be anything so I all I did was dream. I made it to a audio program within my school, met a lot of cool people , a lot like highschool again, we all had big dreams. Anyway I got a certificate but around that time, I fell into depression for a multitide of things namely to face the fact that I was only a guy dreaming to be in music business and make money to gtfo of my parents apt. 2013 was a shit year of depression and fucking up and 2014 was just me being a total fuck up. 2015 I found a partime job being a vendor for a distribution company working in pathmarks

Part 2..

>>17232045
Part 2
Excuse my shit grammer for I am on a year old android and the keyboard function is sub par

Things were okay at the job, worked whenever, money was eh but no one was on my ass and as long as I got it done, I could leave and get paid for the entire partime. It was okay and I saved money but then I got laid off due to pathmark closing. So I was out of a job again. I was a busboy for a fancy catering hall fir four days before I said fuck this, it was bullshit to abide by all this rules, take peoplea plates, wait on their beck n call,l. I have more respect for waiters though after working there. Almost a year later I'm back being unemployed doing jack shit but sending my resume online and filking out job applications in vain. I never get a call back. So here I am, 26, unemployed, single, living at home, dreamer with no realistic goals. I have become a leech and I hate it. I would love to do the things I set out for back then, but thats not gonna happen. Years have been wasted, I'm done for.

>>17230126
>i'm risking further damage to fix what is relatively not that big of a deal when you compare it to potentially losing use of my legs or something like that
Is that level of risk your assessment or a doctor's? Guessing the latter, but still worth a check, I suppose
>considered
What's kept you from doing it? (Not intended in a "do it faggot" kind of way)

>>17230123
This isn't cure-all advice by any means, but I think you might be able to get enough bux to survive when your parents pass; Chris-chan (who I know isn't something to be proud of imitating) makes 1300 per month unemployed, which, while not much, might be enough to limp by on depending on locale. That said, I kinda hate giving these pieces of advice because I haven't done myself, but I might recommend tulpamancy, lucid dream training, and meditation of some kind; generally, I think you'd be best served by going inward for fulfillment at this point. How much mobility do you have? Can you move in a wheelchair? Could you train to be able to do so?
>>17230120
The therapist sounds like she just got done posting scat on /b/. I don't have much other advice left, though it might help to know that a lot of people run through ten or so therapists before finding a good one, which (to me) makes it seem like the industry should be restructured (therapists working on contract makes at least superficial sense to me; they could decline patients they'd be unable to help, and clients wouldn't lose money for an incompetent therapist. Quantifying progress would of course be a serious legal hurdle

>>17230154
>Well, Russia is right next to us, and we aren't in NATO so having mandatory conscription is rather expected.
sensible enough, I suppose
>ylilauta
roughly same view of it here, though I used to enjoy lurking, it's not as metaironic as it used to be. Hopefully that's just summerfagging though

Will continue response next post

>>17230154
As far as the girl goes, I think she might be indecisive, and figures that maintaining the friendship enables her to avoid making the decision on whether to be friends with you, as dropping you is the much more committed choice.
As far as meeting girls goes, have you tried bars/saunas? I ask partially because I'm too young to try and I've been having the same problem (though I'm mostly looking to make friends, rather than mates.) Technically, at least, there's also /soc/

>>17231284
Welcome to the grorious USA! I'm afraid I don't actually have any advice though

>>17232222
>The therapist sounds like she just got done posting scat on /b/.
Made me laugh. Thanks for reading my story and musings. I appreciate it. Did you share yours on here? I'm on mobile but I'd like to read yours if you have one. I agree the system needs restructuring. Another thing that makes me distrustful is that studies show that the method of therapy doesn't matter for a client to progress, all that matters is the relationship between the client and therapist. So you could have someone who believes all of Freud's theories and draws bullshit conclusions from your dreams and it'd be as effective as anything "evidence based". Not very scientific, you're just paying some random who doesn't give a shit to enter a professional relationship with you and pretend to care and be interested.

>>17231399
>>17232089
>leech
>applying for work, dreaming
pick exactly one; leeches (although I personally have nothing against them) have no intention of doing something other than draining from others.
>I'm done for.
What makes you say so? It seems to me like you're only in a rut (admittedly one made much deeper by the reason for losing your last job, but still)
>>17232269
That's interesting about the relationship thing; seems like volunteer therapy much in the same vein as volunteer soupkitchening would be both more effective and more practical (as people in nwws of therapy are often the people in the worst position to afford it). It also seems like it follows the pattern of imitating success to achieve it, which is all over the place in any life control (for lack of a good term) concepts
>Did you share yours on here?
Yeah; I posted the first one (>>17228653).

>>17232286
>>17231399
Oops, forgot to write a body for this response

Sounds like you've pretty much made it m8; congratulations

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>immigrant parents
>poor with 4 other siblings
>parents neglects/abuse us
>as the youngest, my angered siblings use me as their punching bag

Highschool
>shy, obey the teachers, avoid conflict
>parents make me work in their salon since 10yo
>depressed
>work out and read books to prevent suicide
>boy asks me out for 7 consecutive days, finally be bf/gf
>we get engaged
Here's my chance for real love (because I never knew what love was) and my chance to get away from abusive family
>get married, have a baby
>he leaves me right after I had our child

>go back to family, move in with them
>start college
>meet "Mister" who is my bf for a brief year
>break up because he gave me an std the first time we had sex, I wasn't sure if he was sleeping with others.
>cry because I love him but have severe trust issues
This scarred me. I tried to repress the memory of knowing him and the std.

>better myself in every way possible so I can find a man with a personality like Mister to marry
Sounds pathetic but I'm a lonely human
>lost weight
>lifted weights
>read books and learn about philosophy, business, religion, psychology, accounting, etc so I can teach myself to grow the fuck up
>overcome my fears to talk to people so I can make more money quicker and efficiently
>start building credit
>keep track of spending habits and assets
>get scuba diving card, teach myself how to swim and run long distance, bike for fun, travel overseas every year to learn about other economies and cultures
>finally feel like an adult

>Mister comes back into my life
want to marry this man
need to refrain myself
>kiss and can't help but to dry hump him
3 years since last saw each other/had sex
>fuck like bunnies

>taking it slow now
>need to complete my job/plans before thinking about a relationship
>ask him to wait for me for 5-10 years
Says "okay, but I won't say I won't date while I'm waiting"

Life is never ending loneliness
Still considering suicide

>>17232573
Why exactly do you seem so set on finding a relationship? You don't seem to have any faults; if it weren't for this weird preoccupation, it seems like you'd be pretty happy

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>>17232573
I kek'd at this

>Chad dumped her and left her with a bastard
>sees another Chad and jumps on his cock right away
>Chad sees this single mom that needs to be filled
>oh wait he has stds, "I dont care as long as I am with him"
>goes back to Chad for more

This posted proved lots of red pill truths, why instead of keeping working out and going on with your life to make sure that the bastard does not turn into a worm of society or even worse a criminal you decide to go back to chad and make life more miserable for you and the kid

>>17232253
I don't drink so I don't really like going to bars. Also, saunas aren't places where you meet new people

>>17232876
forget her, the kid's life is already doomed by her logic.

>Look up to people who made it big in this world, and followed their dreams
>Can't muster up the courage to do so myself. Switched majors to something I'm not interested in, feel disconnected and foreign at work
>Always wanted some kind of career as an entertainer, from maybe a streamer to a talk show host or even a musician
>Feel like my logical, sensible side constantly clashes with my heart and wins every time
>on top of that, I'm lazy and can't even devote regular time to my ambiguous interest in entertainment
>Feel like every year my life is getting more closed
>Feel empty, can't connect with many people even though I have many friends

>>17232573
Wait, so the guy gave you an STD - and now you're going back for more?...

Am I missing something here or are you legitimately crazy?

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I'm white. Grew up in wonderful suburbia. Had almost no hardship whatsoever til about 19 where the worst thing that happened to me was a mix of a severe quarter life crisis and finding this board.

I suffer from bad ADHD and I've developed a temperament to focus on the mix of whatever's easiest to get me by and whatever spikes my attention to high heaven. So my interests have been video games, highly emotional anime, cars, questionably stable relationships, and trying to find some sort of understanding and meaning out of what I enjoy from those things that stimulate me. I like to write and analyze what I enjoy when it moves me.

Nothing bad may happen to me, but it brings me a sense of listlessness. I could be doing so much better right now.

I have the programming chops- or at least enough to pass that I do- to go into software engineering. I believe in it. I think programming is fascinating, even fun! Computer is a space for expression and individualism now; my girlfriend always wishes she was born in an earlier time, but I truly believe I was plopped right in the right age. I think I honestly have something to do or say, and I feel like I should be expanding my ability to do so. I have website ideas. I want to make a game. I'm on the forefront of a medium that's stretching its artistic legs for the first time- I have the capacity to move people to tears.

I never will. I'll probably sit at my service desk job until I get fired for forgetting something too many times. I'll go with the flow and it pains me. That drive that pushes so many others to exceed- I don't feel it.

My girlfriend, my mother and my friends think I'm the most calming person in the world, but it's because I've lost an ability to become worried by what I've experienced. Where's the need to improve when everyone is happy with me?

I, myself, am happy. I really am. I just wish I could bring my few moments of unbounded elation to other people.

>>17232222
>Is that level of risk your assessment or a doctor's? Guessing the latter, but still worth a check, I suppose

doctors

>What's kept you from doing it? (Not intended in a "do it faggot" kind of way)

i dunno, its been such a long time and im busy with work and study, i guess i havnt really had the confidence and motivation

>>17232222
Sweet quads.

>1300 per month unemployed
He is an amerilard though, I am not. My cripplebux aren't enough to survive for a week and pay taxes, even in a village where all the prices are lower.
>survive when your parents pass
For what purpose?
>How much mobility do you have?
Pretty mobile. I just don't have any legs, and my tongue and jaw are half dead due to brain damage.
>Can you move in a wheelchair?
Yeah, but I only use it to roll around to the bathroom and kitchen and stuff. If I wanted to go outside, my elderly father would have to carry me and the chair because there's no elevator.
>I think you'd be best served by going inward for fulfillment at this point
That's no fulfillment, that's escapism. I got that shit on a down to an art form. Day dreaming, movie watching, show watching, vidya playing, online shitposting, benzos swallowing, and as of recently catfishing. I appreciate your advice, I know that it is kindly meant. But trust me when I say that there is absolutely nothing fulfilling about distancing yourself from reality, even if your reality is a particularly shitty one.

>>17232833
That's something I can't help no matter how much I try to deny it.
It's lonely.
People suck and I just want someone to care for me for once

>>17233366
>I just want someone to care for me for once
Friends are a much more reliable way of getting this. Plus, desperation scares men off of relationships as much as it does women, they just don't lose their want to fuck. In fact, I think that might be your problem: You're coming off desperate

>>17232292
Thank you, your life story (if youre op) was quite an interesting read. If the thread is up later I'll have something to say.
I could've gone into more detail on the heartbreaks I've had but I can basically sum it up with i was gaslighted, taken advantage of and manipulated a lot, and now that I know myself (and my alcohol limits) better, I've become more adept at avoiding those situations. And I'm actually liking 26. It's my golden year. I hope to be able to buy a house within three years, and make a decision whether I'd like to stay in Des Moines or try to get into school for media. Never too old!!

I'll stop rambling about myself now. Idk why I started.

bump, this was a good thread