Me and My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up in January, we had 0 contact for about 4 month and I removed her from facebook because she was posting stuff like my picture constantly and it was just felt safer to try to get some space for awhile.
We ended up seeing each other last week when we both went out for a friends Birthday, ended up kissing alot and spent 5 hours sat outside a bar talking about everything ranging from the concert shes planning on going to, to saying how we've both coped with the break up and that we've both missed each other.
I called her about 4-5 days later when I knew she'd be free and asked her about her thoughts of that night and how she felt about the whole thing. She clearly said "It was a mistake" and we briefly talked about our relationship errors and that we both accepted we became a bit complacent by the end and how things could have been different but then we talked about all the fun times of our relationship and sexual jokes and past experiences that we both giggled at and hold dear to us, and I ended up asking her out for coffee which she agreed to. We talked from 11pm to 2am but both had stuff to do early in the morning so we called it a night.
We went out for coffee 4 days later. She was a bit awkward at the start but we just talked about trivial matters until she asked me what I exactly wanted to talk to her about and had been " avoiding" during coffee. We then both talked about what we felt the other person did wrong, our own faults and apologized for shit we felt we fucked up on. I never asked her out on a date, but during our talk she said that she accepted we aren't together and that she's alright with that now after 4 months apart, but commented that until recently that she'd been keeping our photos under her pillow.
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We both got teary eyes and she said that she still loves me, but doesn't really see us being together. And that its such a shame we now realise our own person errors that affected the relationship ( I was to stubborn and she over analysed small things and blew them up), and that she misses me and hadn't spent a day not thinking of me.
After the whole heart ache emotional talk about good stuff and that it was, for the most part, a happy 3 years we spent together and talked and joked about stupid pet names we shared, sexual stuff and happy memories as a whole.
We got on the bus and before she got off at her stop she said she'd recommend me a film, gave me a quick hug and ran off. I got home 15minutes later and had a message linking me to the film and we talked about movies and video games for an hour before she went to bed.
Be honest with me /adv/, have I over thought all of this and deluded myself into believing I have a chance and its her pride stopping her? Or is she fully done and just being kind?
( Sorry for typing so much)
Why did you break up in the first place?
>>17222878
The actual fight that caused us to break up was her going on my computer while I was out the house and reading my messages and yelling at me for speaking to a girl she hates.
No point in lying to you guys so I'll explain the whole thing.
Known this for for 9 years, met her online when I was 11-12 and she lives on the other side of the world, always had a flirty relationship even when we were kids, never really done anything about it other than just casual flirting, not even had a real webcam chat, spoken on skype a few times but mostly just talk on social media.
Obviously girlfriend hates the fact I speak like this to her and in hindsight I thought she was being dramatic and that I'd never cheat on her, its just how me and this girl have always spoken but Looking back on it It was a dick thing to do.
But we broke up from her being drunk and pissed off that I was speaking to this girl and I was pissed off that she went on my computer and we both were to stubborn to back down or take a break from the argument that we just called it a day
>>17222865
Long talk incoming for someone who is 3 months into a breakup-overcoming kind of thing.
My ex and I had a rough start already. When we started dating, it was all good and all, but then I left for Singapore for 5 months, Exchange. After I came back, it was still all good. But then we started seeing each other more and more, and the little cracks started to come in. We talked a lot about breaking up before. Then, in February 2016, she left for Taiwan, for her Exchange semester. Things didn't change for the better between us when she was there. She broke up with me in March.
The fucked up thing is that I already booked my flight tickets to visit her in May, when we were supposed to have a 1 year anniv. I spent 1,5 weeks in Taiwan on my own and had the best time I could ever have. We met up for about 1,5 hours there, which was good for closure. However, sometimes there is still this whirlwind of emotions coming over me. Take whatever you need out of this,
To be honest, I don't think it's healthy for you to be talking with your ex, you guys together, for so much and so long; it gives hope, and you two broke up over something in the first place.
Are you done with it? Apparently not, otherwise you would not have initiated it. She, too. Perhaps it's good if you part ways, you got your closure (a lot of it), which is good.
That's just my two cents, tho.
>>17222912
Thanks for sharing.
I never intended to see her on the night out, but while simply chatting out of being stood next to each other all the memories and the fun times flooded back and before I know it we were kissing which has re-opened the wound.
You're exactly right by saying that speaking to her has given me (Possibly) false hope, because everything feels exactly like it did back then, and all I can think about is asking her out on a real date.
Like who knows? 4-5 months apart might have given us the shock to try harder and solve the little things before they build up and we now know the fundamentals that made our relationship rocky? I can't help but feel like she'll be thinking the same thing, but theres always the risk that she isn't and I might be just setting myself up for disaster.
Also how is closure suppose to work? Am I meant to understand and accept we're finished for good? Because speaking to her has sorta done the opposite
>>17222949
>How is closure supposed to work?
That is something that I am still trying to figure out, too. I';m not sure. Sometimes I feel at peace, sometimes there are still a lot of questions I feel like asking, or just screaming from the top of my lungs.
What is closure, for YOU? Ofcourse speaking to her has done the opposite, yoiu are still on good terms. It just did not work out as lovers. Apparently it still enflamed some feelings here and there. To be honest, but that is only my own opinion, an ex is an ex. You're finished and ready (or not) to move on.
I don't have the exact answer for you, however, It's based on how you feel in this situation.
>>17223188
In theory we shouldn't be on good terms at all. The breakup itself was messy and horrible and it caused a lot of upset and tension in our friend group which resulted in me not speaking to a few close friends.
The only question I keep mulling over is, is she saying no because SHE herself doesn't see us having a future again or because she wants to save face and cares to much what her family/ Friends think.
She did say when we were out she's to scared to ever see my mother again. But I personally don't think id care if her family dislikes me, as long as it works out with her.
Part of me thinks that if I ask her on a date she'll be excited and we can try just dating again and forming a new relationship rather than jumping into the old one.
But If i asked her on a date and she says no, there would be zero way I could save face.
But at-least I'd get an answer,I suppose
>>17223342
You know, what I always experienced in the times when things were not working out as we were hoping, she would reference back to old times, where she thought I was way more relaxed, more fun, and generally a more happier person. Now, a couple of months into recovery, I notice that she was one of the factors that made me feel so irritated, stressed, and what not.
Point being; I think you'll always try to copy the "good old times" that you had. At least, that's what I think I would do.
Why do you care about saving face? You can at least ask, and she seems like an OK girl, to be honest, from what you have been telling me. If she says no, then that's it, right?
>>17223417
I suppose you're right. Better to have a straight forward "No" than be left wondering.
I think everyone reminisces of the past and only really focuses on the good times. A friend of mine did mention that you never really remember feelings exactly how they were. Like I remember being upset and angry at her but never the same emotion when looking back.
Thanks for you're advice , I appreciate it.
Any idea how you'd go about asking?
I might try and talk to her about the film she recommended and then ask if she wants to go out to eat at the restaurant we always went to, could use the excuse I want Sushi and no one else feels like going?
>>17223443
Overthinking about stuff is one of the things that just.. kills you. Better to have a very clear and direct answer than 'what might be;.
Your friend is right, though. You know, everything is finite. Me and my ex would sometimes say to each other hoping moment X could have lasted forever, or whatever. It doesn't. And you, never really remember exactly what you felt, or thought, from a certain moment. It's why I mostly think 'Would I be feeling very upset/angry/irritated by this moment in a year?' and mostly the answer is no. Try taking that into account, sometime.
How about you just straight up ask her for a small coffee again and just say 'Hey, I was wondering if you were still up for meeting. I feel like I still have some things I need to get off my chest, if you don't mind discussing them.' or something along those ways. You don't need a fancy restaurant for that, but, since you keep pulling out nostalgia (e.g. the place that we always used to go to), be advised that I feel that you're still a bit clinging on to the past.
>>17223523
>Keep pulling out nostalgia
Ohh I can see why you'd say that actually, but that made me stop and think for a moment. See I thought the whole "going to the same place" thing would be a good subtle reminder to her about positive memories and maybe she'd be more inclined to go. The reason we always used to go to the same place is that its one of those "Round the world all you can eat " sorta places, and shes a vegetarian and a fussy eater in general so it made life easier for us. Think its a issue asking to take her to somewhere with memories? Or would a new place be better?
It's not that I have anything to get off my chest, I'm just stuck on the thought that, maybe we could go out and have a nice meal and share a few laughs and begin dating. Because it could turn out really well, or maybe at the end of the date she doesn't want to continue them so we call it a day. Its not that I need to ask questions other than just "Would you like to go on a date?"
>'Would I be feeling very upset/angry/irritated by this moment in a year?' and mostly the answer is no.
That's not a bad way to look at the world, I'll hopefully recall this from time to time.
>>17223562
You know, coming from an objective point of view, I admire your willingness to make it work. Apparently you really like her. I suggest that you give it a go, but that's mostly from my perspective coming. If I can't get rid of a certain thought or action I should do, I do it. I see the same with you.
Your whole point just screams nostalgia, however, be remindful of that. Just go in there without expectations and an open mind.
Good luck, anon.
>>17223784
Three and a half years together is a long time, I was rather angry and upset when we first broke up but time apart and seeing her again has made me see things and think of things in a different light. I'm hopeful that things will work out for the best.
I'll do my best to go in with an open mind, I mean the biggest fear I have ( Other than being flat out rejected) Is that we'll be super happy for a few months then slip into the petty arguments or relive the issues we both disliked.
But thank you very much for your time, and I hope you get over your ex soon man!
