Sometimes I think about going back to the people that fucked me up in the past. That I need some kind of closure.
Sometimes I think that in order to move on, I need to explain to them the effect they had on my lives, and just let them know, how much they fucked me up. But then I stop myself to think, what if they just don’t give a shit? What if they just don’t remember? What if I’m the only one who didn’t move on? Would I still have had anything to gain? But maybe I won’t know unless I try, says the idealistic voice in my head.
I recently watched a cringe comp that included a video of some gay guy calling his “bully” from high school, to let him know that he fucked up him because of all the shit he did to him. It was considered cringe because the bully had very obviously moved on and was just like, “oh well uh, sorry you felt like that. But you know uh, everyone in high school was a shit head so uh, yea, sorry I guess.” And the gay guy couldn’t hold back his disappointment. To everyone else it was hilariously embarrassing, and honestly, it kinda was.
But, there was a shade of disgusting sympathy I couldn’t ignore. I’m afraid I’ll end up like him. That guy wanted to kill himself every day because of his bully, and upon reaching out to him to let him know about the burden he's been carrying all those years, the dude just didn’t give a fuck. He must have been crushed. So what’s the point? What do I expect from going back to contact all these people? Being friends with them again? Would it even work out considering I could not fully enjoy the friendship knowing the atrocious shit they did to me in the past?
(1/3)
“But part of living is learning how to work things out with people so the relationship can move on”, is a sentiment that sometimes floats around in my head.
What if they have felt the same towards me this whole time? But why the fuck does it always have to be ME that is the bigger person, why the fuck is it always ME that has to be the one to go out of my way to reach out? Ive always been the one who gave the shits in the friendship. No one has ever put in the effort to keep in contact with me. No one has ever cared about me enough to send the message first. No one has ever cared about me enough to ask me to hang out sometime. It’s always been me. I know I sound like a little bitch, but I can’t help but feel as if THEY should be the ones trying to reach out and contact me after all these years first, im so sick of always being the bigger person. After years of being the only person who exerted the effort to uphold friendships, please find it forgivable that I want to show weakness for once.
Ive logged into FB after several years of leaving it, and checked old messages and people.
There are people I wish to thank, apologize, and confess to.
But what if I don’t feel better and all I do is just reopen old wounds? Is it truly better to let sleeping dogs lie?
How do I move on then? How do I live?
Its been years since ive spoken to these people, ranging from 7 to 3 years. I just turned 20, and I want to stop being depressed. These are going to be the best years of my life. And I don’t want to be held back by my past, I want to be happy. I want to go out and make friends, have a relationship, feel like I belong somewhere and people actually want me there. I want to be happy. I just want to fucking live.
(2/3)
Ive prewritten everything, and even compiled a list of people from my past I wish to say various thing to. Ranging from telling them how much they fucked me up, to thanking them, or being sorry for acting like an asshole. Ive written reasons to reach out to each individual, and am trying to decide whether its worth stirring up the waters. I expect nothing from these people. No apologies, no acceptance, no tears, no smiles, nothing. All I want is for them to truly understand what effect they had on my life. I just want them to understand, and I want to tie up these loose ends on a note of true, mutual understanding. I just fear they won’t cooperate or make an effort to understand. In the back of my head, I expect it to happen. I’m just nurturing this vulnerable hope it won’t.
Please adv, give a shit about me.
Tell me if the list is worth re opening these old wounds, tell me if it’s the ticket to my salvation. Ive carried this weight for so long, and I want to take the steps to move on and not be depressed anymore. My life has been nothing but something to endure. I had a shitty childhood, shitty teen years, and now that I’m approaching my young adult years, don’t want this to be another shitty chapter of my life.
(3/3)
T L D-FUCKING-R
As sad as this is going to sound, I'm still here.
-OP
>>17221958
give me a sec 2 read ur shit ok senpai?
>>17221584
Whut do if those "people" where your parents bro? and everyone else was awesome?
Also link to the cringe comp?
lol senpai look
You can reach out to these people but don't expect mutual understanding
their view is just as subjective as yours as is and they have probably moved on from which ever events occurred years ago
it just seems like ur scared to come out of ur comfort zone to branch out and meet new people and form relationships so you just grasp to the past, that is long gone and over for these people
I don't really understand what you're aiming at with any of this
People don't give a shit about how you specifically feel and won't even be able to LITERALLY understand how you felt/what you went through
You learn and move on
Get over it
I think thanking certain people would be good. I'm not sure about telling people they fucked you up. I think that's something you should get over.
>>17221584
>>17221601
you have expressed something very true. I also thought about doing something similar but there are people on the list which are not worth talking again. With others to connect the dots . Life sometimes sucks but there are also people who want to help us or see us happy and not let them act by mistrust.
Sometimes there is no closure. You can't force people to care about you now if they didn't back then. Try to move on, preferably with the help of a therapist.
>>17221971
>it just seems like ur scared to come out of ur comfort zone to branch out and meet new people and form relationships so you just grasp to the past, that is long gone and over for these people
you hit it on the nail, i am afraid to go out and form new, genuine, fulfilling relationships.
>I don't really understand what you're aiming at with any of this
I want to let go of this baggage. Im fully aware that until i do, i wont be able to move on. Its jsut that i dont know any other way, I'm stuck. I cant fucking open up, its too painful. All these people fucked me over, and the only thing i walked away with was hurt and a vow to never let it happen again. Im scared of being hurt again, and its because of this I haven't taken off my mask and been genuine with another human being.
Sometimes I just want to give up.
>>17221969
I dont really understand your question
and sorry man, i dont have the link
>>17221996
In my post i expressed how i dont expect a hallmark ending where we both hug and weep to some sweeping orchestra. Im not trying to force anyone to care, I only want them to know. And if im lucky, have them understand what I'm saying.
I cannot move forward knowing this is on my conscious. I have had my faith in people broken, and because of this deep mistrust I harbor that I haven't opened up to form any "real" friendships. I don't believe myself to be capable of doing this anytime soon unless I settle this with myself
>>17221974
Could you please tell me why you think telling them wouldnt be a good idea in more detail?
I have an extremely deep-rooted mistrust of others because of these people. After a string of betrayals, I never opened up again. I dont know if this is a healthy way of getting over it. I just want to free myself from the past and move on to form genuine relationships with other human beings
>>17221994
Of course. There are some individuals I didnt even bother to put their names on the list.
>>17222034
To me it sounds like you need a therapist because you're letting your future emotional wellbeing and making new friends depend on your bullies acknowledging your feelings. You're letting this get to you too much. I know how much it sucks to be bullied in high school.My school bullies tried to friend me on Facebook, that's how out of touch they are with regards to how I feel about what they did to me. I just ignored their requests because I'm over that part of my life and don't want a reminder.
People will dissapoint you time and time again. Just move on with your life, fag. They won't care.
>>17222049
Oh anon...
the worst part of all this is that they weren't bullies. They were people that were closest to me, they were my closest friends. They were people i confided in, placed trust in, and cared about. I thought i knew them. I let them in, and they trampled me into the fucking ground. When i needed them the most, they left me.
I dont want this to happen again. I have no real friends, and i dont let others or myself get close or open up.
Therapists are out of the question. Ive had many, and all have proven to be wastes of time and trust.
>>17222058
Let's see
>don't want to open up to anyone
>don't want to try a new therapist
What next anon? I know you want to one day reach out to people and have a socia life or partner so you have to find something that pushes you in that direction. Maybe confide in a cool aunt/uncle figure?
As for those "friends" who turned out to be dicks, that's really shit and I can see why you're understandably upset about it.
>>17222075
My dad ran off when i was a kid, and my mom molested me while growing up. She was the only "family" like figure i had, and even then was neglectful and abusive. My siblings really don't care about me. And i really hate to add this because it seems like im making this up for attention, but my grandfather molested me once when i was a small child. I have not had contact with extended family members (including grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc) since, which was over 10 years ago.
The idea of family means nothing to me.
So i tried to replace them with friends. And they destroyed what little faith i had in humanity left at that point.
I dont know what to do anon. I dont know how to put this behind me. Your blunt replies are insightful, because they may be starting to make me realize that i maybe should just give up.
>>17222114
but part of me doesnt want to give up. I dont want to give up the hopes of one day being happy. Am i stupid for this?
>>17222058
>Oh anon...
the worst part of all this is that they weren't bullies. They were people that were closest to me, they were my closest friends. They were people i confided in, placed trust in, and cared about. I thought i knew them. I let them in, and they trampled me into the fucking ground. When i needed them the most, they left me.
If I'm going to be honest here, I've been in this situation before... Except on the other side of it all...
I had quite possibly the most autistic, cringeworthy, leech I called a "friend" throughout most of my time through high school. I mean his nickname was literally Captain Autismo.
This guy was the epitome of cringe, and yet was so full of himself at the same time. I cut him out of my life for a reason. I saw my position on a rapidly sinking ship of faggotry, autism and self-loathing depression that I NEEDED to get off of for my own mental, social and physical well being. He even got me into Homestuck for a while...
Tbqh I was very tough on him. He probably wanted to end his life at one point, and it is quite possibly he is feeling the exact same way as you OP right now. But let me tell you this, I did it to better myself. And if you saw the position that cunt was in today you would clearly see that it was a very tough decision. But ultimately the right one.
Idk if this helps you OP. But thinking about it from others POV may help in bettering yourself. Maybe they had a reason to do the things they did?
>>17222117
Nah, that's normal. Maybe move out of your hometown and start a new life. Best decision ever if your hometown makes you feel like shit. All I had where I lived was a dead end job and some acquaintances. I moved away from mine even if it was a mid sized town of 400k people to an overcrowded city.
>>17222120
I wrote a draft of a letter i dont intend on sending one of them. Its long, but it explains the context. if i am tiring you with my problems and you dont want to read a lot of text i will understand.
By the way, thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me. Its really appreciated
>>17221584
they just don’t give a shit
you know this but just won't accept it and your disappointment and life long angst is a first world luxury
things were put in perspective for me during a trip to a poverty stricken rat hole country where most of the population was starving. There were throngs of small children begging and I made a mistake and handed a little boy a coin and right in front of me a larger boy beat the child and took the coin.
>>17222141
I appreciate your input, but in the midst of this rut, i find it very difficult to find something that is happening far away from me relevant. Im sorry and ashamed to admit I have not seen the things you have. I have never seen 3rd world poverty, and cant put my problems in perspective when ive never been affected by it.
hearing about it will never make me understand what you saw and learned that day, im sorry.
>>17222139
You may as well, we've both got time to kill here. Get it out of your system
>>17222179
you pretty much solidified the foundation “A” had set, the whole “I will never open up myself to another nor put faith into human being again.” Attitude.
We were childhood friends, and I thought that years of going through shit together as friends with someone would at least cultivate some sense of loyalty or comradeship.
We hung out nearly everyday since we were kids, shared our problems, talked more openly and deeply than with others, and we both had considered our closest friends to be each other. I cant believe none of this meant anything to you.
You left in my darkest time, when I needed you the most. You abandoned me, betrayed me, and were not honest about wanting to leave, instead you distanced yourself from me by ignoring my calls, texts, chats, making up bs why your phone wasn’t working or why you couldn’t meet me to talk.
(1/2)
>>17222195
I would have listened, I would have understood. I understand that its not easy to have that kind of emotional burden on, and I would have understood you wanting me to leave you alone. (S was the only person I openly told that I was depressed and wanted to commit suicide.)
I tried to talk this out, but it was me that ended up doing all the work, it always have been. I don’t know to this day what you think of it, or whether you care at all.
I really have no clue whether I should put this on you for the same reasons as “A”. A person’s emotional well-being is not your responsibility, but fuck man, I was your friend, all those times I was there for you, why weren’t you there for me? It was the ultimate test of friendship, and you turned your back on all those years.
I waited on you, I waited on you to show some sign you cared and would support me, and it was fucking agony.
Eventually I stopped hoping, and just wanted this misery to end. Why couldn’t you do me this one last favor? To just have the strength to put me out of my misery? To put away your cowardice and own up to the responsibility of properly meeting me in person to tell me you wanted me to leave you alone? How sad is it that I stopped expecting you, my closest friend, to give any shits about me, and was reduced to thinking that you just even taking the effort to tell me to fuck off was enough for me? That I, was reduced like some bedraggled beggar, hoping you would just toss me this one act of kindness. Why did you drag it out? Was it because you were afraid that if you did, I’d kill myself? Or did you just really not give a fuck?
I once saw you, walking amongst a group of new friends. I know you saw and recognized me, because you quickly looked away to pretend you were checking up on your phone so you could avoid me. I want to know why, and how you feel about it now. I don’t expect to rekindle this friendship. I don’t expect an apology, i just want you to know.
(2/2)
>>17222199
>>17222195
If you want my advice, you made the right decision not to send that. It will just make you look like a fool to them.
If anything if you happen to meet him in a social setting at one point and really feel up to it just do with
>"You left in my darkest time, when I needed you the most. You abandoned me, betrayed me, and were not honest about wanting to leave.
And add a good
>"Go fuck yourself"
At the end. But keep the rest of that letter, I think it will be therapeutic for you. It might even help if you feel better if you write more. Just whatever you do don't ever send it. Ever.
>>17222239
Thanks for reading my shit, and yeah. I dont intend on ever sending this, it was more of a way to vent.
thanks anon
Holy shit dude. Love melodrama much?
You have issues well beyond anything that your "friends" who "abandoned" you caused, and I can understand why people would be uncomfortable with you and would bail. And based on what you've written here, these people were kids ranging in age from 13 to 17.
Why you think a kid is going to have the capacity to deal well with some other melodramatic, depressed, suicidal kid is beyond me. According to you, your family abused and/or abandoned you. Why aren't you blaming them for your problems instead of putting it all on some kids?
>>17222268
Its all g, desu you being this way makes me wonder how ol Cap is doing nowadays. Might even flick him a msg
>>17222260
However he has a point. Do yourself a favour and vent so you can just put it to rest. A lot of this crap is just trivial in the real world.
>>17222278
Those replies were meant to be vice versa lol
>>17222013
I was kind of in the same situation a few years back, so I guess I can relate. Got bullied pretty bad in school and later had "friends" that were complete shit. Anyways I had also had some good genuine friends so it probably wasn't as bad as your situation. One thing that really helped was going off to university in another country. There I really felt like I left the past behind. Whenever I go back to my hometown all of the insecurity and bullshit from the past comes back to me so I don't go visit my relatives there too often. I think if I had stayed there I would be in the same situation as you OP, so this really hit home.
Now I realize that moving to another country might not be a possibility, but what about moving to another city/town. If you are about to go off to uni that would be a great opportunity to do that, or for a job etc. Physical distance really helps you with moving on, both in my own experience and in that of other people I talked to. Sorry if this wasn't to helpful, just wanted to give my two cents since this is a situation I can definitely relate to
>>17222075 here
Have you ever considered that it was a case of managing your expectations when it came to friendship? I used to do this too the year I was friendless in year 7. I fantasised about having a cool group of friends that would be my everything like in the young adult novels that I read at lunch and I scared people off because I projected my BFF group fantasy onto anyone who would be nice to me. I also ended up disappointed by friendships because I had really close friends in year 6 but they went to different schools for high school and I thought the new friendships I will make will be just as good as the old ones. I too had a shitty home life which I could talk about with my old friends but my new "friends" just told me to shut up about it
I'm talking through my teen perspective which was a very long time ago so bear with me if I sound a bit strange and immature.
I can understand your problem OP. I'm in a similar situation with my father.
But if you approach the people that hurt you and ask all these questions you've been wanting to ask for a long time now, you probably won't get what you're expecting. I think you're hoping to get some answer that satisfies you, something along the lines of "I'm sorry about what I did to you, I can see my errors now, I did it because of this and that..."
That is very unlikely though.
And even if you get some apology or something else that's close to your expectations, what then? You're still going to be afraid of opening up to new people, I can tell you that. A little talk will not be able to erase the past.
What I'm getting at is that you are too focused on the false hope that other people are going to put you out of your misery. You have to draw the line yourself. You have to let go yourself. You have realize that your future wellbeing and ability to trust others does not depend on what the motivations for those people's past actions were.
There will always be a risk when opening up OP, a chance that you get trampled again. You sound like a good guy though, so if you keep trying you will come along people that are worthy of your trust. If you're living in a small town I suggest you move somewhere else though, like the other anon said.
I wish I could give you more consoling advice, but this has to do, unfortunately.
>>17222019
>and sorry man, i dont have the link
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>17221584
I'd simply punch the guy who broke one of my ribs and then get it over with. Maybe I'd make his family pay for the hospital bills.
Maybe I'd go check on my old anti-social school retards and laugh in their face at what a bunch of losers they are and if they ended up improving then good for them.
No. This is small stuff, OP. The real people who have the potential of hurting you is your family and your family's friends. Those are the ones you should look to place a vendetta on.
If you're going to be a 2deep4u philosophical bitch then at least be a suave badass who gets shit done, and murder those sick disgusting freaks which dare to sabotage you before you were even conceived.
