I've been dating this girl for 3 years. She's my personal 10/10, and I love everything about her. We're both mid 20s, college graduates and starting promising careers in IT. We have a lot of stuff in common, and we both have a great relationship with each others families.
The problem is she apparently has a medical condition where sex is incredibly painful for her, and in addition she has zero libido. In the entire relationship, we've had sex less than 10 times and every single time it was awful and she starts crying and has to stop because its so painful. The gynecologist says everything looks normal, and she's been saying she'll try to figure out what the problem is for a few years now, but hasn't really put in any effort from what I can see.
I'm starting to get some pressure to propose soon. My only hesitation really is that I might be committing to live a celibate life if we never figure out what the issue is. Everything about this girl is amazing except this one issue, and I'd feel like an huge jerk for saying 'I don't get enough sex, so we should break up.' Literally everything else about her is soulmate quality. Advice?
If i was you i wouldnt care, but my libido is empty so whatever. Just do what you think is the right choice, if you love her then show her by overcoming this obstacle. Dont listen to beta fucks telling you how sex is literally the only thing that you need.
Pic related, dont be the spongebob
she probably has vaginismus
get it treated
dont live like a monk it's awful
>>17215882
you arent a jerk for wanting to have sex.
imagine if someone called you a jerk cuz you wanted three meals a day. imagine if someone called you a jerk for wanting a bathroom break at work. imagine if someone called you a jerk cuz you wanted to average 8 hours of sleep a night. imagine if someone called you a jerk cuz you didnt want the apartment with a giant fucking hole in the ceiling where rain and bugs and shit got in.
the whole point of relationsihps is that you get to have sex. otherwise you can just be REALLY CLOSE friends. think about it. you arent a jerk for not wanting a vow of abstinence dude. frankly i dont know how you survive.
>>17215943
I honestly feel as though I'm capable of having sex twice a day, every day. And don't worry, I've already gotten plenty of "sex is the most important thing' advice.
I am willing to overcome this obstacle, but it seems like something that is 100% related to what she's willing to do, which so far seems like nothing. The way I see, I have to make a choice soon (marriage), that depends on her figuring her condition out. And if she fails, I'm not sure if I'll be incredibly bitter in a decade and want a divorce.
>>17215979
>I have to make a choice soon (marriage)
No you don't. You absolutely don't. And you'd be a fool to live your life the way others dictate it, and by other peoples' expectations. You propose when YOU are ready. No one else gets a say. If they throw a fit, tough shit.
Talk to your girlfriend again. Not a meek "hey uhm babe I was just wondering..." kind of shit. A real serious, "I want to be able to look toward our future. I just feel as though you haven't made any progress toward fixing our sex life. I'm willing to help any way I can. But it's really hurting my esteem to have this huge lack of intimacy."
Then she either gets going on fixing the problem, or she doesn't. And if she doesn't, you bail. Stop wasting time with a person who is not willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work.
>>17215882
>3 yr relationshio
>had sex with each other ten times
lol
>>17215998
this. gotta be honest to get to the root of the issue.
especially on the marriage bit, you should never propose cuz of 'pressure' jesus christ no. even if the woman is pressuring you if she doesnt understand that you cant get married when you arent ready, then she isnt worth marrying.
tihs isnt some tiny detail. yes you wnat to keep her but oyu dont want to ruin your life over not wanting to be a jerk.
>>17215998
>>17216014
You're right of course. And I didn't mention it, but I already have had a stern "you need to make this a priority" and "I'm not happy with the sex life" talk with her, a few times actually. It's one of those "I know, I'm sorry, I'll work on it" things that hasn't shown any signs of improvement. I really can't imagine leaving her, cause as I said everything else is awesome. I also don't think I could impose a deadline or anything. Leaving her over this is the last thing I want, but I can't think of any way to motivate her to get help.
>>17216060
i tihnk the major issue is that you are waiting for the magic third option. but often times they dont exist. a stern talking int enough becuase ther eis no real way to figure out whats up. doctor says ttheres nothing wrong. there might not be. more women are like this then you think. others feel virtually nothing. others do. others gotta find it. its really hard to say. only thing i could imagine is ur fucking the wrong hole.
the truth is you are going to have to decide IF you are willing to leave her.
cuz theres only a small sliver of a chance that she will get over this. but i doubt she will.
>>17215979
Sex is far from the most important thing in a relationship, but it's an important quality of life issue and it can greatly affect your happiness with the marriage. It's important that you both recognize this. Don't expect that you're just going to get used to not having sex if it's something that you know you want.
It really sounds like your girlfriend doesn't understand (or care) that this is important to you. Do you have sex aside from penetrative penis-in-vagina, or is she simply not interested in any sexual behavior at all?
>>17215882
Have you considered the option that you could have a problem the way you have sex ? Maybe you're too big, or maybe also you don't hit the right spots ; I don't know.
>>17216079
To be honest, I can't blame her for being avoidant. If every time you had sex you felt like your nuts were getting twisted off, would you want it? Pain is a very, very effective deterrent. And she is definitely in serious pain.
OP, have you looked into vaginismus? Here's a quick rundown if you haven't: http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vaginismus/
See if you can find a vaginismus specialist.
If you want to make sex work with her, you need to stop forcing it and figure out a way to ease into it. And while you're working on it, try non-penetrative sex. Get each other off with your hands and mouths, there's plenty to work with. You sex life does not have to be nonexistent.
Hell, I've been married for several years and we don't have penetrative sex all that much. It's just not our favorite thing. We do it when we feel like it but it doesn't come up much. We spend most of our time going non-penetrative. Lots of oral and handjobs and fingering. That's just how we roll.
If you want to work on this you need to understand that forcing it will not help. Causing pain makes the body expect pain which causes more dryness, clamping, and negative expectations, which kill arousal and essentially guarantee more pain. It becomes a vicious cycle. That cycle need to be broken.
I've heard about women who are like this. Gives me hope that someday I might find a gf who loves cuddling as much as I do while is ok with practicing abstinence. Male orgasm feels like shit afterwards anyway and is depleting and destructive to your body, you can transcend the need for it while still enjoying intimacy sans intercourse, as I have.
>>17216072
I think that's exactly my dilemma. I'm just so close to the perfect woman, if only one huge flaw could be fixed. And it's possible that it might never improve. Also starting over and finding someone new is really unappealing to me.
>>17216084
Yes, and I hate to humblebrag but I am bigger than average. Even if that were the case, she reports painful orgasms even when masturbating. We've investigated vaginismus before, and somehow concluded it isn't that.
>>17215998
this so many times
>>17216111
>s really unappealing to me
oyu act so casual about it. people break up. it happens. perfectly happy couples break up for various reasons. i know shes great, but you have to make a choice. realistically, right now.
cuz otherwise you are going to trap yourself in the cycle of 'MAYBE NOW SHE'LL CHANGE!!!'
and she probably can't. you need to think about hwat you want out of life and decide if the current arrangement will work. and if not, tralk to her about other arrangements. if you cant bang her will she let you bang someone else? but in most cases it will deteriorate until you are single again.
>>17216111
Does she have really painful periods?
>>17215882
Doggy, I think you're in for a world of hurt if you marry this girl. I know everything else about her is perfect, but marrying a girl that you aren't sleeping with sounds awful. And honestly, it might be better for both of you. You can find someone who is serious about you, and she can find someone who she actually wants to figure out the issue for. Right now, she has no reason to change or work on the problem
>>17216126
This dude's got it.
No one likes having to toss something out that you worked hard on. But that's how you learn and grow, because your experiences with other people will show you what you were missing. Never settle. Because it is NEVER too late. No matter what memes kids around here like to toss around about dying alone and all that shit. That's ridiculous. The 100% perfect person is out there. You have a 70 or 80 right now. You can choose to settle and likely have a very frustrating and depressing life as your sexual problems get worse, or you can learn to be OK with the thought that relationships almost always end. You typically only get 1 that lasts "forever," and that's the person you marry. At least that's the plan.
Don't marry her. Do what you can to push her into resolving the problem. That means multiple specialists. Mental and physical. When all else fails, be ok with letting go.
>>17216140
Actually yes, in many cases it's crippling
>>17215882
Have you tried lube ? Or those condoms that are supposed to make it better for the girl? If that doesn't work, there are plenty of alternatives to sex. Learn to appreciate her mouth and ass, they can be infinitely better if used right. Sit down and have a serious talk with her about your wants and needs as a human being, there's nothing wrong with that. If all else fails, die in a horrible pit of loneliness.
>>17216156
Has she been checked for endometriosis?
Physical therapy for pelvic floor issues. Her muscles might just be really fucking tight like mine. I push through the pain ti avoid conditioning myself to fear sex though, and that's the hardest part.
Just fuck her ass instead OP
If doctors say she has no issues, maybe it's a psychological issue. Ask her if she had any traumatic experiences growing up.
Also what
>>17216164
Said. Sounds very similar to the symptoms you are reporting.
>>17216353
I can't remember if we checked endometriosis, but I'll find out tonight.
Any word on if she was checked for endometriosis?
>>17216072
it's probably just vaginismus. I doubt she's actually told the gynecologist about it. No gynecologist or doctor in general would hear a patient say "it's impossible for me to have sex without weeping in pain" and say 'yeah you're fine nothing wrong as far as I can tell'
>>17217261
As someone who knows a lot of medical people (doctors and nurses), you'd be surprised. Just yesterday my nurse friend was ranting to me about how a person who had just had surgery was barely on any pain meds despite obviously being in terrible pain and requesting more. And how that person had just earlier been misdiagnosed for a stupid reason when their real condition should have been obvious.
Sometimes medical people fuck up. They're human and make mistakes. It's just often really bad when they do.
I don't believe you have stated how urgent is sex to you. If it isn't, then there isn't much of a reason to be complaining but if it is, and you think it will cripple your relationship you should have a limit on how many times you ask your girlfriend to get help. Having those talks is (according to a different personal experience) emotionally exhausting and if your gf is at a point where she begins to avoid or gets tired of that topic, maybe then is when you should begin to examine your relationship and her commitment to a balanced relationship.
>>17216013
I am laughing too
Millennials are fucking evolved boomers, our planet is doomed
10 fucking shags
10
>>17215882
There is no need to have sex with penetration, I mean, you could try massaging, with you both completely naked and oil and that kind of stuff. This should turn her on (or at least I hope so). Then massage her boobs, her nipples. Make her feel your breath and, eventually you could masturbate her.
You should take time with this and not try to do it in 15 minutes (i'm thinking about an hour or so).
I hope it'll work, good luck bro ^^
>>17217241
I asked, one doctor did rule out endometriosis a while ago. We'll get a second opinion.
>>17217779
I mentioned earlier here that I feel as though I'm capable of sex twice a day every day. It is important to me. And yeah, you touched up on another big problem I have, which is that she will never volunteer to bring up this sex issue; we could go weeks with out ever acknowledging theres a problem if I never brought it up.
Dealing with sex can get frustrating if you and your partner aren't on the same page.
I don't know about you but when something hurts me, I don't seek to explore it any further. Have you taken that into consideration with your girlfriend?
Also have you tried other things that don't exactly require penetration? Does your girlfriend masturbate? I spent a lot of my teen years masturbating without actually sticking anything inside me. Do you two ever perform oral on each other? Also you think it's possible your girlfriend could be asexual?
I went through this with my high school sweetheart who I was with for 4 years after graduating . Doctors never did anything. It was awful. I felt like I was wasting away and although she tried to compensate with oral it was just not enough. She's very beautiful and very much in love with her but it felt like owning a Ferrari I could only drive through school zones. I hope you find a solution. We didn't and ended up splitting up over the frustration.
>>17215882
Shes broken op. Broken toys go in the garbage
>>17219039
Did she actually get internally scanned for endometriosis? Oftentimes it can be visible as it makes lesions inside the vagina and on the cervix, but if there are no lesions present then she would need a scan to find it.
She has other holes, use them!
Can you rub her clit and get her off?
Problem solved, anal with a side of clit rubbing
>>17216353
thiz
>>17219039
Check for vaginismus
Yes that is an actual disease, and no I don't no why it was given such a stupid name
>>17215882
>medical condition where sex is incredibly painful for her
my ass women only say that to beta guys when they don't wan to give them sex. why do you think her gynecologist said everything looks normal? also women don't need sex as much as men need it and they just use it as bargaining tool. this is why they don't have a problem lying to men as to why they can give you sex.
