What do I do?
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I never thought I'd be asking for advice here, or anywhere online for that matter, but here I am.
I'm in a serious relationship with my long term girlfriend(few years), we are both in college.
I love her, she is honestly the best girl I have ever met. And I'm not saying this in the screaming-hormones, 14 y/o way. I am a very logical and goal-oriented thinker, and I have repeatedly spent considerable amounts of time just trying to find a flaw in her, with no success, neither physically or mentally.
I could see myself marrying this girl and having a family with her. She has no dealbreakers, no red flags such as questionable interests, or relationships with exes, or her family, is good with money, moving forward in life, can hold intelligent conversations about books movies or even stuff we study at our colleges(dumbing down subjects and explaining them to each other for random, interesting trivia, for the record I'm in comp sci and she is a med student) and alot more.
She also thinks ahead, kids, marriage, settling down, etc. and had realistic goals. We talked about getting married, both as a joke and seriously and we both want to marry each other and I see myself looking at her 10 years down the line the same way I do now, she even went as far as saying that she will put the apartment(that she bought with the remainder of her trust fund) under my name before we sign the prenup.
The only real issue we ever had different opinions about is kids. We both want kids but I want them later, I want them around 30, after I did all the dumb shit I wanted to do in my 20s, and I "settle down" a bit more, she however wants to finish college, and have a kid no later than 25, and her only argument was that she "doesn't want to be an old mom". Since we are both in college I put the subject off, finish education, move in together, get jobs to support said kid, etc. before we have the actual child.
CONT.
especially because we are both good ar communicating and telling each other how we feel straight up and supporting our points of view. A few hours ago I found out why. Here comes the kicker; she has a mild kind of leukemia and she was basically told that it will be a miracle if she lives past 26. I knew she had a problem with her white cells, but she never said anything beyond a mild defficiency, that could be kept in check with very rare blood transfusions and medicine. Now I find this out. She broke down and told me all about it. That's why she wanted to get married, have kids etc. and basically "jolt" our relationship and lives 10 years into the future in the span of maybe 3. I wanna keep being with her, this shit sounds cheesy and lame every time I say it, but I am literally unable to find a flaw in her, and I have been actively trying to for a long time, at first just for the lulz and then as a small challenge to myself. But what will happen, especially if she does have a kid with me, is that she will most likely die before she even finishes breastfeeding, and I will be left, in my mid 20s, with a kid, a kid I will most likely enu up resenting because I will subconsciously blame it for taking my wife away, as a single dad, basically undate-able, and quite simply with a fucked up life.
CONT
>>17204605
Actual cont, sorry.
It always seemed strange to me how she couldn't give more of an argument why she wants them so early, especially because we are both good ar communicating and telling each other how we feel straight up and supporting our points of view.
A few hours ago I found out why. Here comes the kicker; she has a mild kind of leukemia and she was basically told that it will be a miracle if she lives past 26. I knew she had a problem with her white cells, but she never said anything beyond a mild defficiency, that could be kept in check with very rare blood transfusions and medicine. Now I find this out.
She broke down and told me all about it. That's why she wanted to get married, have kids etc. and basically "jolt" our relationship and lives 10 years into the future in the span of maybe 3.
I wanna keep being with her, this shit sounds cheesy and lame every time I say it, but I am literally unable to find a flaw in her, and I have been actively trying to for a long time, at first just for the lulz and then as a small challenge to myself. But what will happen, especially if she does have a kid with me, is that she will most likely die before she even finishes breastfeeding, and I will be left, in my mid 20s, with a kid, a kid I will most likely enu up resenting because I will subconsciously blame it for taking my wife away, as a single dad, basically undate-able, and quite simply with a fucked up life.
Cont.
>>17204629
cont
And I dont even want to talk about the kid. I grew up with only one parent and it fucked me up big time because too much of one thing is always bad, including the presence of only one kid of parent. Kids need both a male, more stern, goal oriented, logical, presence, and an empathic, motherly presence of a woman. And what will happen to the kid is exactly that, it will grow up with one parent, a not very good one at that, both because I am still going to be fresh outta college myself, and because the resentment that it will inevitably feel from me with time.
Quite simply it would fuck up both out lives. Fucking up the kid before he even gets a chance, especially since the kind of leukemia she has has an 80% chance to be passed down to the kid, setting him up for a short and shit life. And fucking me up too by effectively trapping me with said kid.
Problem is I still love her a fucking lot and it would kill me to just break up with her just like that.
tl;dr perfect gf, wants to get married and have kids, find out she has leukemia and will die as soon as she gives birth leaving me with the kid
What the fuck do I do now?
>>17204647
Still don't understand why she wants a kid if she knows it will grow up alone and with a father who doesn't want it + a good chance of having leukemia.
IMO there is two option:
-option one: she's scared of her life having no meaning/of being forgotten and wishes to continue living through somebody else
-option two: no, actually can't think of anything else.
Anyway, don't have the kid but stay with her. Isn't it an option?
Ask her reasons for wanting a kid, so you'll be able to work it out.
>>17204668
> don't have the kid but stay with her
This. Is there any chance?
>>17204605
80% of chance to pass leukemia down ?
No way. That's incredibly selfish.If she absolutely wants a kid, adopt it at least.
>>17204696
This'
Why would she want someone to have to suffer like she is?
>>17204668
Me neither. Thank you for the option one, it actually makes a bit of sense.
>>17204668
>>17204686
No idea if no kid + staying with her is an option. Right now she is abroad, with a scholarship for the current semester, as in she is coming back in the summer, about 1 month from now. We are on skype permanently, as in we open up the call in the morning and just leave the laptop facing the room for the rest of the day while we do our shit, it's the closest thing we have to living together until she comes back. Initially she said she wanted to wait until she was back to tell me but she broke down, and when she did, I comforted her the best I could, and told her that we will talk about it when she gets back, face to face. When I did, the first thing she said is basically "okay baby, whatever you say, but don't even think about not having kids anymore"
>>17204696
>>17204717
That was my first thought too but I reasonably hesitated to tell her that as she had a breakdown. I will try to explain to her how selfish that line of thinking is, as that was my original plan too, but if >>17204668
(option one) is the case... what then?
>>17204740
well then you found a fucking flaw, haven't you?
>>17204825
I did find a possible flaw, and I did mention in the OP that kids are the only thing we couldn't agree on. But I'm still torn between the options.
On one hand, if she was just a random girl, "drop like a fucking brick" would be the obvious choice. Problem is, aside from this shit, she is quite literally the incarnation of a waifu.
>>17204605
>My ideal waifu wants kids before 25. I want kids after 30. She will be dead in 26 with 90% probability.
>What do: the post?
1) 4chan isn't place for novels.
2) If you use logic: you can't let yourself to become single ~25 years old dad.
Your story is sad :-(
Like very sad :-/
I don't know how I would react in your situation, but one thing is clear for me: no babies for her.
Look it on the bright side, She doesn't want to be an old mom. Most likely she won't even be an alive mom.
Idk what to say f@m, this shit totally blows. Having a kid is a mistake imo.
>>17205262
>>17205302
Thank you for all the advice, I just caved in and told her I don't want kids if they are gonna grow up without a mom and the whole selfishness thing.
She understands why but >>17204668 is pretty much what she admited herself, and she still wants kids even if she agrees it's not fair for them, although she's not as adamant as before about it and understands where I'm coming from.
She was comforting herself with band-aid solutions like "I'm sure you will find a great step-mom" and "there is a big chance for a cure", but she fell silent when I asked what the cure for a dead mom was.
Right now she is also torn between wanting the kid, and the fact that if we have the kid, this story isn't about her anymore, but about said kid, and it will suffer the consequences.
I didn't bring up adoption yet but I plan to. Right now she went to sleep without the discussion reaching a clear answer, but she seems to at least understand my points and actually listen to them, instead of defaulting to "please baby, do it for me"
Thank you all for the advice, it was a big help.
I'd probably do it, between now and 2042 there's a good chance that science will find a cure for whatever is ailing her. It will probably be far, far too late for her but not too late for any children she might have.
Plus, most girls I know would go weak at the knees at the sight of a singal dad who was supporting a child by himself. It shows you'd be a good father for their kids.
I'm a sucker for dying wishes, though.
This sounds like Clannad.
I think you should go discuss it with her doctor though, but if he's against it then obviously it's a no go.
>>17205420
>It shows you'd be a good father for their kids.
Yeah, and they'd treat his kid like shit because "muh special snowflake comes first"
This is beautiful, sad and scary all all at tge same time.
>>17205420
A cure will be there most likely, but the kid would live their early years suffering from leukemia, and with only his dad.
About girls >>17205446 I think this guy is right, or rather he is right. Even If I find another woman, she will always put her own kid before mine, and it will show, kids feel this shit, I know from experience.
>>17205472
I know anon... I know.
