Sup /adv/, I don't know what to expect since I don't usually browse this board, but here goes. Due to a depressive phase that started 9 months ago, I'm stuck in a bad place that consists of constant trying to rationalize my depressive thoughts and steady anhedonia.
Basically I'm 22. Pretty stereotypical of an INTP type with a history of low self-esteem due to bullying. about a year ago, after a period of transition during which I was looking for work, I landed my dream job in the games industry as a 3D artist, and have been doing this since.
Something happened shortly after I started working. Due to my parents moving from Paris to southern france, I had to settle for a small studio in the suburbs. As soon as I moved, my mood dropped considerably. I've been depressed ever since, and I've been slowly losing the ability to experience genuine feelings.
It's taken me a while to understand what was happening to me. I tried coping with humor but realized I wasn't being myself and had to swallow my pride and open up about my issues. I talked to friends and parents, I've started seeing a shrink. I've seen the doc to do a checkup and I've started taking vitamin D supplements due to a severe deficiency.
>>17196717
cont.
The way I see it, I'm going through a period of intense confusion about myself, my own worth and my life goals. I was happy enough for the past 5 years to be in a school environment with like-minded people to validate my worth, and a goal (getting the job I wanted) to achieve. But now that I've lost everything that was keeping me up and gained a shit ton of responsibilities instead, every unresolved issue comes back crashing. I feel like an alien. I feel like barely anyone can understand me and I can't ever function as an adult. I'm asexual, I have very specific interests in everything, I started questioning my gender identity because I'm very far from a stereotypically masculine guy and I feel so alien that I think I'm not supposed to be myself, even though I've never felt dissociated from my own body before. I can rationally understand that young adults have matured and aren't going to hate me just because I'm weird, but low self-esteem has become a part of me due to years of school bullying. I have no life goal anymore and I can only see the world becoming a worse place and me becoming older and more jaded. I obsess over trivial shit that would not have bothered me before, like my own body image (premature hair loss is my current culprit).
Discovering, hobbies, trying out new things.
>>17196722
cont.
It seems I'm doing slightly better since roughly 2 months. I have a girlfriend for the first time now, she is in love with me and completely understanding of my feelings (or lack thereof). I understand the mechanisms of depression and I'm able to rationalize bad thoughts. I write my thought processes in a journal and get a better understanding of how I got there in the first place. But I still can barely get excited about anything. I hate that I have to work everyday when I wish to just rest my mind and take some off time to resolve my issues when everyone expects me to be a functioning member of society. I feel terrified that everything I do gets processed by my self-deprecating mindset and I have no genuine thoughts anymore. I feel like my GP is the only person who understands that I have clinical anhedonia and not that I'm just sad.
Which leads to my question. What's next? Should I take meds to help kickstart my mood again and work on my issues, or can I expect to get better with therapy alone? When I'm with my shrink, I fail to really make progress because I can't express how I feel unless I cry and unload my frustration, and when I do, I feel like I'm just venting the symptoms of my depression instead of trying to reach for the causes. 90% of my time I can't bring myself to talk about what actually bothers me like the body image and asexuality issues because they make me uncomfortable and I know they're not the root cause of my mental health issues. To be honest I'm just stuck and frustrated because I want my girlfriend to be with a happy person and I want to enjoy life again. Guess that's a goal worth working towards.
I know that's a lot to read, but I would have a hard time making things clearer.
Do the Mario
>>17196725
But anon, it's so much easier to say than to do. I have to care for my room, cook my meals, pay my bills, and extensively think about my internal crisis, on top of the fact that new things barely excite me anymore. I wish it was a simple as you put it, but I simply don't have the time or the mindset to dedicate to big new things.
just bumping before I go to bed
