>>17194893
[cont]
I feel good having reached the main root of my problems, but now, how the fuck do I approach tackling this monster? I went to a psychologist last month and I had them record my issues, and now I'm going to an appointment next week about my options for medication.

Is there some type of an anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressant to help me?
>Tl;DR: Self-worth and confidence issues are the root of my psychological issues I think. Is there a medication to help me with this? Pic related, it is perfectly summarizing me.

>>17194893
Don't take medication, it will only cover up your issues.

You need professional advice.

>>17194893
>narcissistic thought patterns: I have literally no self worth
Haha nope.
Narcissists are not terrified, anxious, self-hating wrecks.
If you alternate between narcissistic and self-hating attitudes, that's called BPD (borderline personality disorder).
But frankly where are your narcissistic thought patterns anyway? I haven't heard any yet.

Doesn't matter anyway, you need extensive therapy. Go get it.
Medication will probably not help with anything, you have no simple neurological issues as far as i can tell (just complex psychological ones that can only be fixed by therapy).
Pharmaceutical intervention is a blunt instrument: there are no pills that can give you a healthy self-image.

They might give you anxiolytics if you're anxious, and antidepressants if you're depressed, but that only addresses a couple of the symptoms, not the core problem.

>>17194926
Well, now that you mention it I think I have looked up BPD before and went "Ok maybe that's it?"

ACTUALLY WAIT! I keep a journal for this shit. been keeping one for about 7 months, although I stopped logging about a week or two ago. I logged shit about my daily attitude in it.

I'm gonna skim a bunch of it and see what I find.

I did mention to the doc too I think I have Bipolar Disorder, as I have very weird mood swings, but they are very quick ones. I'll go a day feeling ok, then next day I'll be depressed and that episode will last a while, some even lasting months, and then I'll feel "like a god" as they say, and then I'll feel down low.

Shit, today i was literally going "I feel fucking great. I think I'm alot smarter than most people." and within 4 hours I was sitting down in my garage starting at the bottom of a glass of my uncle's beer, feeling utterly worthless. Right now I feel calm and collected and thinking, and it's how I reached this conclusion.

>>17194939
Alright so I just skimmed a shit ton of it, and so far I have gathered the following:
>I was anxious as fuck going into work every single time and always complained about feeling a heavy sinking feeling in my chest, and I expressed fear over making a fool out of myself from doing math shit as it was front counter. I also apparently wrote about fearing the social interaction.
>Then, the very next page after one of these, I wrote "I guess this isn't so bad. This work shit helps me keep my head off the horrible shit in my life."
>Then, next page I write about how my retarded ass views are the best views to have and the most logical and blah blah I'm smart blah blah
>And then - I write about how i have 4 days of work in a row and how I am "over" my work related anxiety. But then at the end of this page, I express fear over the future.
>Then literally a week later, I am writing about how I feel my life is a swirling vortex of desperation, hopelessness, and fear, and how life is pointless and how I am living a life of servitude and don't know what to do.
>And then I have a lonnnnggg period of time where I write about not wanting to wake up to face the next day. I also write alot about anxiety relating to work shit again(facing customers, math, etc) and how I hate working
>More pages about how I did nothing all day but play video games and have no motivation.
>And then a page about my moods being all over the place. In this page, I suddenly write about wanting to sleep early so I can get up and study. Wasn't I extremely depressed and anxious a few pages earlier? The fuck?
>And immediately after this page, I write about how I feel fine and great.
>And then I feel fine and great the next page, but then it cuts to me being very very pissed off at every little thing and being irritable.
>This repeats for a few pages, where I feel OK and fine, but very very irritable.

>>17194950
Okay so far, I'm seeing that I've been having wild fucking mood swings that last for periods of weeks.

Let's keep going.

>I write about how I now feel fucking bad and how life feels boring and tedious, and how I wish I could be something amazing, but I'm too depressed and my life is too fucked and I have shattered dreams and skewered goals, and how I'm too afraid to try.
>AND THEN THE NEXT FUCKING PAGE I WRITE ABOUT BEING OK, BUT PISSY?(I also write about how I feel productive on that day and want to write notes)
>And then I write on my payday, and how I impulses bought tons of shit I didn't need and feel stupid for it. Then I start bitching about how I feel very empty and unfulfilled and how I don't need money and that the job isn't doing anything for me and how I wish i had a place in the world.
>And then I write about having an average day full of a lack of motivation, anxiety over the future, and longing for sometehing more.e
>Then I write about feeling agitated and angry the next page, and I continue writing about feeling angry the next few pages.
Honestly I'm starting to scare myself at this point. This shit reads like I'm a fucking mass killer in the making or something.
>Hit a page where I write about wanting to die and feeling empty and lonely and sad and having no future or skills and how medication won't fix my problems.
>Month long break
>Next page:
"Today I fucked up. I submitted to my anxiety. I quit my job. Not even a notice. I let everyone down. I let my family, my coworkers, everyone. I let everyone down. I am just a big fuck up. No future. I hate myself.

And that was the last page.


Soooo yeah. Massive fucking mood swings. Is this Bipolar or Borderline Personality?

>>17194962
Sounds more like bipolar. Medication (ie a mood stabilizer) may actually help a lot by resolving the massive mood swings and giving you a stable base from which to make the necessary changes to your life without the stress of dealing with that too. Gotta talk to the psychiatrist, they'll make the decision.

>>17194970
I feel like Bipolar might be some of it, but like, even now when I don't feel depressed, and can still function in the day, I still feel very stressed over the future and feel worthless and have no confidence. Is it possible to have Bipolar disorder and Anxiety at the same time?

>>17194978
Yes. But stress over the future, feeling worthless, and having no confidence are symptoms of depression as well.

>>17194970
Also everyone I've talked to tells me that Bipolar disorder is just mood swings that happen every few months, but in my case it's days/weeks and that's why I don't have it. Are they wrong?

>>17194990
Christ almighty. Fucking psychology is so confusing. SO right now I can talk to my doc about the following:
>Major Depressive disorder(anti depressants)
>Anxiety disorder(Anxiety meds)
>Bipolar disorder(Mood stabilizers)

>>17194893
Go see a Psychiatrist. They'll do a few multiple choice tests on you, then you'll know exactly what's wrong with you if anything at all.

>>17194992
Cycle period can be months, weeks, days, or even hours.
Sometimes people call it "rapid cycling" or "ultrarapid cycling" past a certain threshold.

>>17194995
I'd say forget the anxiety, deal with it after the mood disorder (which is more complicated and difficult, and seems to be the cause of most of your problems). Except for the fact that the doctor may decide to prescribe clonazepam as a mood stabilizer, since it also treats anxiety.
Also forget about MDD, you obviously don't have unipolar depression, and antidepressants are contraindicated in those with cycling disorders (they tend to induce [hypo]mania or rapid cycling episodes).

>>17195013
Alright, striking MDD off the list.
So I have alot of shit to talk to the doc about. I sure hope he isn't a dumbass moron.

I am also a little afraid of trying out the drugs you mentioned if I get prescribed, as I got to witness my father get destroyed by them. He actually got fucking very addicted and started doing huge doses. Wasn't fun. Oh well I guess I'll try.

>>17195027
Oh hey speaking of this: The original person who scheduled my appointment talked to me about having ADHD, because apparently mood swings are common in those with ADHD, and I had bubbled in some ADHD symptoms(They're not that bad though, but I do have focusing problems that can be bad in cases). I am worried now about being misdiagnosed.

Fuck I am now anxious about starting medication and being prescribed the wrong shit.

Well this has just all come full circle hasn't it?

>>17195038
They most likely can't and won't prescribe you any ADHD meds because the mood disorder explains the symptoms better and is also usually exacerbated by all common ADHD meds (ie they're stimulants and induce hypomania or mania and increase cycling frequency in bipolar people).
They'll also give you a speech about avoiding caffeine and other stimulants: you should be doing that already (it makes the anxiety worse too).

Most bipolar meds aren't addictive. Clonazepam is, of course (it's a benzodiazepine), so if you're worried about that, ask the doctor about the addiction potential of whatever they're prescribing, and if it's addictive you can ask if there's any other option.

Don't worry about misdiagnosis, if that happens you'll simply humor them a while, see if you get better or worse or nothing on the meds they prescribe for the trial period, then after a few months if they still can't find anything that helps, you find a new doctor. After enough doctors, you'll find one that can help. Just don't give up.

>>17195065
Sounds good I guess.
My mom has bipolar disorder actually, she's on lisinopril. Does Bipolar run in families?

>>17195086
Oh wait that's a blood pressure med.

Uh... I don't remember what she's on. Fuck she must have mentioned it like a million times...

>>17195086
>Does Bipolar run in families?
Yep. Lamictal (lamotrigine) maybe?

>>17195124
Yes, that's the one.

>>17194926
BPD is just NPD for women.